To get help costs $$$, so what's the point?

I know I have it pretty good. I'm in a first world country. In a good city. Have a roof over my head now. Going to school. Everyone thinks I'm doing well... but I don't feel like I'm doing well...

My family life is kinda in a mess slowly getting cleaned up. We're kind of divided. One of them tries to reach out to me for help. I try to help. I want to help. They want me to be there for them more. In person.

But I feel like I just cant. Emotionally, I mean. I feel so stretched. With one hand grappling 2 jobs, 1 volunteer edit, school full time with loads of homework, trying to make sure I have enough for rent and other living costs - I feel so overwhelmed.

Normally, I talk to my boyfriend. He's the closest person I know and trust and I've been with him for a long time. But now I've noticed he's been getting depressed too with his own stuff. I try to help him but he doesn't want help.

I don't want to talk to him anymore because I'm depressed. I'm worried I'm rubbing off on him, you know? I don't want that. I feel like I can't emotionally reach out to him or reach out for him. You know?

Since getting any help like counseling or psychiatry or a psychologist cost money that I don't have, where do I go?

Do I just try to help myself? Do i just rot? and leave other people with bigger wallets and troubles the option to get help? i don't know...

You are in college? Usually they have free counselling services. If you can't find them ask your advisor.

What (((Yoda))) said.
Plus if it is at all possible make one of your elective courses something that will be mentally relaxing or stimulating, whichever you would most prefer. An active class like body building or yoga, ceramics, or more sedate like meditation, or something you just enjoy. I took a lit class in Sci Fi, & one in Det Fic to me it was pure fun, not work. I also took an art class and found myself changing majors! Check your catalog for electives that can fulfill the requirements but still give you some kind of break. Is it possible to take less classes for one semester? Give yourself a short break, it sounds like you have a really full plate.

When I didn't have insurance and we were barely making rent, I was actually able to get free T and pdoc appointments at my local community mental health center. I didn't even know it existed until someone recommended it to my husband for me. You could try googling "[your county] mental health" and see what comes up. You might have to make an effort to get into these places, go in person to find out costs and what they'd be able to help you with.

Good luck. Just keep trying. I know it's a hard, uphill battle, but you can do it!

I could only say about my experience, but I'm repeating something I heard and that made perfect sense at the time. Some things I could accomplish, some backfired, but I feel like it may apply to your case.

Before I begin, know that I'm not a doctor of any sort, and if I wasn't depressed myself I wouldn't be in this forum, so here we go...

There is a point within us of perfect stillness. It's just a state of mind just like any other, like happiness, depression, sadness, and so on. Normally it is confused with repressed feelings when someone is behaving in a non-emotional way, but it is not. If I were to put a name to it, it would be peace.

And why do I bring this up? Because coming from a rather disfunctional family myself, the one thing I could seldom have when amongst them was peace.

Try to find your 5 minute focus to approach them in a pratical manner: "listen, mom, I really want to be there more for you but I'm also having issues of my own to deal with, I'm stressed, I'm tired, I'm working too much and I'm kinda sad. I know you just want the best for me and I'll get better soon, just help me take some load of my mind right now, can we? You'll be first to know when the sky is bright and the birds are singing again. You don't have to worry about me, I'm struggling but I'm standing" ... mom, dad, brother, cousin, etc...

If they don't understand, if they bark or grunt or curse or yell or, let's say, behave as a regular human, it's just they, doing the best they can. Even if that best is a negative reaction, don't take it personal, don't let it put you down. Keep on loving them either way, just as they keep loving you without the ability to understand or show it so. Given time, everyone may learn how to respect each other.

I did this (in my personal case) and eventually my family stopped flying at each others throats for no reason at all. Some realized the futility to scream and demand, and others have learned when just give space to others. No one will disappear nor run away. It CAN be that simple. The first step just need to be calm, firm, and **cordial**

It's all in the *way* it's said

We still have our fights but at least now when they happen is for a real reason...

As for the boyfriend, take at least one hour a week to forget everything and just enjoy each others company. Don't allow the grey routine to devour all your time. It doesn't have to be an appointment, neither does it always have to be spontaneous. Do something different or just cuddle, remember the good times (and some funny stories you might had lived), and once again, from within a 5 minute peace, talk to him about your feelings and fears. Without pressure. Without demands. You're accomplices after all.

I realized that taking the pressure of depressed people helps everyone. I think I'll open a thread here about this.

Hope you get better

hugs