if only....

if only i grew up normally
if only my dad pay attention to my mom more
if only my mom didn't use me to be a place for her anger
if only my brother would believe in me when i tell him i was sad
if only i'm braver
if only i can fight my sad, and depression

so, i won't hurt people feeling again
so, mom will smile again
so, dad won't cause trouble again
so, brother won't mad at me
so, i will have a normal social life...
so, i will be more brave
so, i can smile....

I can completely relate to blaming my depression and other mental illnesses on how my childhood screwed me over. I feel that if I grew up "normally" I'd be a whole lot more stable as well. Just try to remember that you can't change the past but you can do your best to create a positive future (I'll try to take this advice myself as well). Stay strong hunny.

I have some "if onlys" for myself going on now.

If only ... my family (with what little I have left) would be together
If only ... I can have more friends. I only have one who I'm not crazy about
If only ... I would at least have a chance for a special someone in my life
If only ... I can find a better church to go to
If only ... I can move out of where I live because the people are not friendly
If only ... I was not diagnosed with a health concern that I wish I didn't have
If only ... I didn't have so much anxiety and fears about things going wrong

Maybe there's more but I can't think of other things. Well anyways, life is still good. If I can just work at and pray harder for those things above, maybe they'll fall into place.

Sorry to be so down.

i'm so guilty of this... blaming my mental illness on my upbringing- it was far from perfict.. and what was hard for me, was not even being loved or cared for by my family- so i felt at a young age quite abandoned

sorry you are feeling this way