[poorlittlefish]

I really can't put my finger on why, but it's dawned on me that I have really strange and conflicting feelings - almost wanting to cause deprivation and suffering in others, but also feeling desperate to prevent it.

For instance, I feel terribly guilty that I buy my cat food that's on special offer, feeling like I'm depriving him or causing him suffering for not spending money on the more expensive food. Of course, he doesn't know one way or the other and eats it all anyway, but I know I've only bought him own-brand food or "2 for £6" stuff and I look at his little face and how much I love him and wonder why I can't just buy him the expensive food.I buy own-brand "value" food for myself from the supermarket and don't see that as depriving myself, but when it comes to my cat or other people, I have such an internal conflict between not wanting to spend money and feeling that I'm allowing the animal or person to suffer if I don't spend more than the absolute minimum.

I have this odd obsession with money, in that I'm so careful with it and don't understand how other people can afford cars, holidays etc when I can't (and I've always worked full-time). I always feel compelled to buy the cheapest of everything, but have the constant internal conflict, telling me that I'm allowing suffering by spending as little as possible. Sometimes I can see that something or someone would benefit from having more money being spent on them, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's so weird; it's not outward selfishness because otherwise I wouldn't feel so guilty, but it's almost like a desperation not to waste money or end up penniless. Even if I bake for my work colleagues, I feel almost panicky about whether I've made enough because I make enough for one or two each, then am desperate that everything gets eaten in order to avoid having wasted money on ingredients, electricity etc.

I don't know where this all comes from and why I feel it's OK for me to have the cheapest of everything and why I feel compelled to deprive others, whether they realise it or not.

I've tried Googling to see if anyone else has ever posted similar thoughts, but the results just come up with people talking about social deprivation and that's not the same thing (I work, have a mortgage etc so am not living on the breadline, though my job is only temporary). Anyone???

[Rohag]

I see something of myself in your post, Poorlittlefish.

You care for a cat and bake for your colleagues -- this is not an issue of selfishness. It's almost as if you personify money and seek to prevent money's 'suffering' by being wasted.

In the world of OCD, which can accompany depression, some talk about the fear of causing harm to others. I don't know if this applies, but it may be something to investigate.

Personally, I was and am troubled I never did enough for my late dog.

[poorlittlefish]

We lost our family dog only a week ago, so I can totally sympathise with how you feel about yours. People who don't have animals often don't understand the guilt and devastation you feel when you have to let them go.