Just a phase or depression

Hi, I am new here. Basically, I am just concerned because I have had some challenging things happen to me recently - and I am not sure if I am depressed or if this is just part of the process in recovering over what happened.

I relocated to AZ from another state about 4 months ago to be closer to the man I love/loved - we were in a LDR for about a year before I moved. My career was easier to relocate than his, which is why I moved and not him. We were fighting a lot after I moved - and he broke up with me a week before Christmas. At the time, I agreed that we were fighting a lot but I was willing to put in the effort - after everything I did to here, and he was not. I handled it pretty well...all things considered...I am in my early-mid 30s and I have just learned to let em go when they say that is what they want. But the reality is that I was devestated. I was able to go back "home" and work from there over the holidays - which probably helped. I felt fine when I was home, but as soon as I came back here, I got upset. I don't have any friends out here yet (everyone I know is through him) - I have some co-workers but I took a new job to be here so I am not very close to anyone.

I just feel lonely and sad all the time, I felt like I was numb for the first couple weeks I was here - was just doing what had to be done, going to work, and getting through the day - staying busy and not thinking about stuff. Long story short, over the last couple weeks, several things happened that "triggered" old memories and made me really upset. I don't know what to do - I don't want to tell everyone back home that I am this upset because they will just worry about me, and if they worry about me, I just know myself well enough to know that it will just make me more distant and reclusive because them worrying will stress me out.

I am going to work and doing well with that, but I just feel like I am in a daze. I can't eat much, I am not sleeping well, and when I sleep I just have nightmares about him being with other people and stuff like that. During the day, when I think about this, I just stop myself, but I can't control my dreams. He has been nice about everything and all that but I know that using him as a crutch to get through this is couter-productive and not healthy.

I know it is early to be dating, but I tried and I just can't do it past a couple of dates because I do not want people touching me or kissing me, it freaks me out (I kinda have OCD "tendencies" about diseases and germs and stuff like that... figure that most guys on online dating sites are prob dating multiple women and are dirty), so I had to stop that.

I just don't know why this is happening, I was fine before...for almost an entire month after we broke up - but these past three weeks have been brutal. I just want to cry all the time, I feel like I have NO energy, I don't want to talk to anyone or go out, I NEVER watched TV before, but all I have been doing after work is watching Netflix, eating a little bit of chicken and one beer every ngiht and falling asleep.

I hate this... I just wish I had never moved here. I want to be around my family and friends. Fortunately, they have been able to come out a couple of times and I am going to meet up with them this weekend halfway between where we live. Honestly though, seeing them just upsets me more because it just reminds me that I am out here and that I moved for no reason and that I left everything I loved and cared about for someone that just tossed me aside like a dirty sock.

Yes, he has been really kind and understanding, but I think he is just doing that because he feels bad because he knows that he was being selfish when he broke up with me. Truth is, I was not happy and wanted to end the relationship as well, but I was surprised when he did it because I thought if we just changed a few things, it could work.

ANyway, this is totally scatter brained, I guess I just don't let myself think about it so I am all over the place in my thoughts. I guess I was just wondering if it is really "depression" if it only lasts for a few weeks and it is a direct result of something happening. I have been through breakups before but the reason why this is hard is because I am so far from everyone that I care about and something reminds me that I moved here for NOTHING every single day.

I just wish he would make it so I hate him. I tried sending him texts, nothing too crazy, just calling him a jerk for having me come out here, then basically being totally selfish, which led us to fights, and then breaking up with me before Christmas. When we were together, he would have responded to ANYTHING about me being unhappy, no matter how "rational" and "calm" I was by telling me I was "a crazy emotional woman" and bla bla bla.... I have been a lot more direct since we broke up and all of the sudden he "totally understands, has empathy, is so sorry I am hurt, wishes he could change it" bla bla bla.. I just want to tell him to pound sand but I dont want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I care..

Anyway, sorry I am just rambling and prob making absolutely no freaking sense.

Hello lonelyinAZ! Welcome to PsychCentral! It's fine to vent your feelings here. A lot of us at PC do this from time to time. It helps to put things into perspective, sometimes, and determined what in your past worked best for you. You will find support here from PC members, just explore the site and see what is available. Take care.

I am so sorry that you are sad and lonely in Az. I am also in Az so if that helps, there is at least one person here that you can talk to. You don't have to be quite as lonely as you are. Can you not go back home and get another job there? I really don't think you are going to be happy anywhere else anyway because everyone and everything you love is there. I am quite sure you are depressed but hopefully it is just a temporary thing that you will come out of when you find friends or go back home. It's the other thing, the OCD thing, that concerns me. I think that it may do you some good to try a counselor to get past that "dirty" thing you have going on there. I'm not sure how you can start a relationship or keep one going when your mind is telling you that kissing and touching is bad. It isn't fair to you or to whomever you are trying to date. It is a much bigger problem and can have a profound effect on your life. I hope you will consider counseling for that. Have a good day and feel free to PM me if you want to.

This could be a temporary thing for you. It is difficult to be with someone and then not be with them. Being isolated in a different state I can imagine makes things worse. I would try and stay connected with your old friends. Even at a distance it is at least nice to talk to familiar people. I find the more isolated I am, the worse I feel. I not an expert on dating being married for the last five years, but there are other places to meet people. Coffee shops, social events, or places where people with your similar interests meet.
Is it possible to relocate back to where you came from? Being back home could make you feel better. Being around people you care about.