Recently ended a six year relationship

From almost the start of the relationship I would get these doubts and feelings like he wasn't the one for me, we weren't meant to be together, etc... but I just ignored them because I wanted to be with him. We were like best friends. We have a lot of fun together, but mostly just on our own. We were both pretty shy and socially awkward to begin with, but while he seems to have grown a little bit lately I feel like I have just gotten worse. It could be my own lack of confidence at not having a job right now, still living at home, etc. But sometimes I think it was because all along I never felt solid in the relationship, always thinking almost every day, I have to break up with him, I have to break up with him. And I did it two weeks ago but since then I have just been even more miserable. I can barely leave my room. I cry all the time. I even lash out in anger at the people who try to comfort me sometimes, which then just makes me feel doubly sad and guilty. Every little thing I do seemingly wrong lately makes me feel awful, numb, ashamed. Selfish. Disgusting, even. My own body disgusts me lately. I don't want to look in the mirror.

The worst part is that I bounce back and forth several times daily feeling like he is my soul mate and we were meant to be and he's my best friend and I would never love anyone like him, but then I get this crushing weight of hopelessness and disappointment when I think back on how I originally felt, feeling like we weren't supposed to be together forever. I don't know if I know how to separate who I am from being in a relationship with him, which is part of the reason I did it. I have always been insecure and tend to attach myself to people, attach my self-worth to them. But now I am afraid that I am losing one of the best people in my life. Someone that I genuinely have fun with when we are together. But I just didn't know if I could "see a future" with him. Sometimes I can and it feels so real, but then like a bubble it pops and I'm left feeling like a liar, alone, guilty, so guilty for feeling like I strung him along all these years.

I think that constantly having the thought of breaking up with him in the back of my mind but pushing it away for so many years has taken it's toll. I can't get myself to move beyond the guilt. I thought I could by breaking up and setting him free, so to speak, but now there's this part of me that just refuses to let him go. I have no health insurance and can't see a psych or therapist. And part of me knows that only I can help myself, but I just have no will to.

This is a difficult time for you, Whatsinaname. Somehow, you really should go in to
see a psychiatrist--maybe with your parents financial help?--just to help you understand your own personality and why you feel as you do.

It can only help.

I wish you the best.