[valleydolls92*]

Recently my best friend who I've grown distant from, told me a hard truth:

That my anger was affecting her, and that this was why she hadn't wanted to be around me anymore.

She wanted me to heal, but she realized she couldn't fix my anger by trying to be my therapist.

I told her she was right, and though I had some angry feelings towards her because of some things we hadn't worked out fully, it was more of this deep universal depressing anger that had been plagueing me for a long time.

In highschool I was isolated, I only had her as a friend, and a few acquaintances, and I felt very depressed sometimes. But this anger is something new.

In the past year since I left my first college, I have become horribly angry with myself (failure to overcome the failings of that college), my mother (for being happy with her boyfriend, religion, etc...) and random people who played no part... My mother and I were close when I was 12, 13, 14, but around highschool we began to grow apart: I was critical of her, very upset in the divorce but unable to reconcile my understanding that she and dad would be happier, with my regret for what was lost...

When I returned from college (where I had been living) to spend a semester at home while figuring my life out, I lived with her and hated her for her distance to everything I did: She was living her life, with her boyfriend, and it seemed like she wanted me home but she didn't care much what I did.

I know this is distorted, but this is how I felt, how I feel. And she is somewhat indifferent. It is in her nature to demand something beyond motherhood: she acts and she writes, loves kids but is not solely a mother, and she had stayed at home during our childhood (something I think she may have resented slightly). Now she's free, sort of, or could be if she let me and my brothers move on and live with dad or wherever. She could be an actress....or a writer....

So I detest her, I feel this deep anger for a sort of hypocrisy, and yet I'm hypocritical and miserable: I want independence, and I want her to be more like my mom.
And the anger goes deeper, to feelings of self resentment, failure, inability to cope, inability to make friends, inability to feel good around people my age (early 20s). The scariest times are everything seems to go dark around me, and not even a beautiful day or my cats can make me smile, and I go around, unable to cry even, feeling this urge to go underwater and stay there. Or curl up in the pitch dark. I have sat on the floor feeling helpless with tears falling down, and a blank numb feeling and this inability to move...and sometimes I just don't get up in the morning.

And some days I'm absolutely fine and dandy: I get up, take a walk or do some yoga, read a book, eat breakfast go to school, talk, laugh, come home.
And then I can think of something, like what am I doing with my life? And suddenly there it is again: that weight. the numbness. the gutteral anger, churning, whatever.

These feelings validate me right? I'm not just creating this, am I? I've always been imaginative...and sometimes I think it's just a state of mind... but how can it just be that if I'm thinking such horrible things? I was never treated badly in my childhood, unless you call being ignored by classmates bad treatment. I grew to think that I was boring. I began to hate myself. Isn't that something that requires help to get through? And how can I reconcile with my mother, when I'm so angry with her I could spit?

[jitters]

Feelings are *always* valid. They might not be coming from the places we think they're coming from, but the feelings themselves are as real as anything. Something to keep in mind, however, is that emotional disorders like depression can distort our perception of reality. Feeling rejected is one thing, a person deliberately rejecting you is another. Your mother likely has no clue that her behavior has caused you pain, and I bet she'd be shocked to discover that you're harboring these feelings. Parents don't always parent perfectly, sometimes they're innocently going about their business while accidentally, and obliviously, ruffling their kids' feathers. Have you tried talking to her?

[Sam2]

As jitters said, all feelings are vald. Regardless of where they come from, they can still be powerful and damaging.

People always talk about how hard being a teenager is, but early twenties can be just as bad. The worst period in my life was between 19 and and 26. I felt like I was in some sort of bubble watching the world from inside, unable to get out and all I felt was pain, saddness and anger. When my father tried to help one night, I pushed him away so hard it left a hole in the bedroom wall. (I wasn't trying to hurt him, I just didn't want him around).

Instead of trying to answer all your problems, let me give you some personal experience insight sort of information that may get through better.

Starting when I was 11, I began to pull away from my parents. There was depression involved, but at that age, I didn't really understand it. By highschool, I saw my parents for maybe a couple minutes a day. Wouldn't eat with them, talk to them etc. I'd come home, close the door and not reappear until it was time for school. My parents never asked me if anything was wrong or if I needed help. They weren't divorced as yours were, but I started to feel like they weren't there for me. At the same time, my older brother was going through some serious psychiatric, violent problems, many directed at me, yet I had no protection and wasn't allowed to put a lock on my bedroom door.

This went on until I was 19 and attempted suicide for the first time. All of a sudden, my parents wanted to be involved and know what was going on. I was furious with them. All those years of hurting and they never stepped forward, now all of a sudden, they wanted to be a part of my life. (thus the trip through the wall for Dad). As time went on and I kept making attempts on my life, my mother couldn't handle it (who could), and one night as she and my father drove me home from the ER after I'd slashed my wrist, she started screaming that she hated me, hated my dog and if I ever hurt my little brother again (he and I were close and my problems were upsetting him), she'd kill me.

This went on for years during which I had no friends, no haven, slept in the woods or drove all night sometimes to escape my older brother. At some point after I was 26 things calmed a little and I learned about what my parents had been going through. They had three kids. The oldest was violent and threatening, I, the middle kid, was continually coming home a bloody mess or not at all, and my younger brother was starting to drink and party to escape the hell at home. My parents were scared, didn't want to tell anyone about what was happening because they thought they had done something wrong, and trying to hold a family that was falling apart together. My father's job often required he stay late at work and my mother was left trying to deal with this nightmare.

Why hadn't they asked me if I was ok before? They were trying to give me some space. I hadn't said anything was wrong, they never saw the inner turmoil because I was always in my room, and teenagers/young adults often go through a normal period of wanting more privacy than adults and trouble trying to find themselves. They didn't ask because they didn't know. I'm just short of 50 now, and have a great relationship with my parents. We have had many discussions about the past, and I realize that they were hurting as bad if not more than I was. Yes, they made some mistakes, but when you are a parent, you have to make choices when it comes to your kids. You do what you think is right because you can't do everything. Sometimes the choice is wrong, and you wind up having to live with it. Guilt, saddness, wishing that you'd chosen to step in. Its easy in hindsight.

Now, from a parental side, I have a son about ready to graduate from highschool. When he was almost three, I divorced his mother. Long story, but the gist of it was his mother was emotionally abusive towards me, I pulled away etc. etc. (Rarely is divorce completely one person's fault). At the time, we lived several states away from our homestate where both our families lived. My ex's "tantrums" were tearing my son apart. We tried for a short while to get back together, but ten minutes after I would enter the house, my ex would start to scream and cry. The last memories I have of my son before they left was of him running to his room, hands over his ears crying "No! Mommy No!".

I had to make a choice. What was going on was between my spouse and I while my son was an innocent. I sent them back to where our families lived and we divorced. I stayed where I was. Over the next few years, out of pain, and anger, things were said to my son about me that were not true. Yes, I could have countered them when I visited, but that would only spark more anger, more tantrums and put my son right back into the very thing I was trying to save him from. During this time, my health was getting worse and worse, and my ability to visit went from four weeks a year to sometimes a couple days a year. Child support is based on income, and when we first divorced, I had a good job and could send the support easily. By the third year after the divorce, I was so ill, my income was under the poverty level. Instead of dropping my support, I kept sending what I had, twice what I was now require by law to send. During visits, my son would tell me "mom says we can't get a house because you don't send support". From the time of the divorce until just recently, I never said one thing to my son against his mother, or tried to counter the lies. This is already too long, so I won't go into how bad the vengeful lies got, but my son grew up believing that his father was a dead beat who didn't care.

Just recently, I've told him how ill I've been and about the extra support i've sent over the years. I won't say anything bad about his mother to him, because again, that is between her and myself. Not something he should have to be in the middle of.

So, to wrap it up, I do understand what you are going through, and perhaps a little about where your parents are coming from. I don't know them, so I won't either stand up for them or run them down. What I will do is tell you that there may be somethings that you aren't aware of. Depression is a terrible place to be and its hard to see further than your hand in front of your face. Sometimes not even that far. Give yourself some latitude. Some failure is part of life. No one likes to be wrong or make major mistakes, but we all do, and we always will. You can only deal with what is in front of you and sometimes you screw up. You may find your way completely out of the depression, you may have to fight it to a degree for the rest of your life, but that doesn't mean you are a failure. I would encourage you to find a therapist that you can work with to help you make your way through the rough spots. Sometimes they can see things better because they aren't in the situation. They can see it from the sidelines, just as a ref. sees the whole football game while the player only sees what is going to effect him.

Go from here and start fresh. When you learn to accept your own mistakes and other people's, it will help. Even if what someone else did to you was wrong, even cruel. Everyone has to make peace with themselves before they can move forward.

Sam2

Hello, Valleydolls92,

It helps sometimes if you are able to lower your expectations of other people. Secondly, you have some chemical imbalances that are causing
your feeling tones, in my view. Please see your personal physician, have some blood work done and ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist.

Your situation can be helped so much by finding the chemical imbalance and treating it.

I have real compassion for your circumstances, but you are in charge of
your life, and it's going to be up to you to do the things that make your
life what you want it to be.

Take care.