[musicislife_9]

I found this post on another depression forum and I totally relate to it. I can never articulate how I feel but this person really hit the nail on the head so here it is:

Ever since I was 13 (I'm 18 now), I've felt detached from the world. It's progressively gotten worse, whether that's from stress or what, I'm not sure. Recently, it's spiraled downwards. I've told lies, I've done things I'm not proud of, and it's finally catching back up to me. And I finally realize that I don't even barely recall doing these things. This is how it feels:Physically, emotionally, and mentally, I'm just gone. I'm not me. I'm just like a ghost almost; just walking around, not even alive. Sometimes I want to just fade away like a ghost though, just that easily. I just want to fade away until nobody remembers who I am. and sometimes, I wish that after I fade away, I can start over somewhere completely new.But other times, I wouldn't mind fading away and never even remembering myself, if that makes any sense; just to not exist at all anymore. So then, I wouldn't have to kill myself and hurt anyone. Granted, I couldn't kill myself because what's stopping me is knowing I'd be killing so many loved ones. I just want to disappear slowly. That's pretty much what I've done though, on the inside. But on the outside, I'm stilll here and hurting people. I feel crazy. I feel like I'm lost. Like, on the inside, I'm screaming to get out and get help. For someone to pull me out of this hell hole, but on the outside, my body just does what it wants and just goes through the motions because it has to to survive. Nobody would ever have to see how badly I need help if I didn't let them. I can't help it though. I've always felt this way. I feel so detached from everything and it's like I'm trying to get out and wake myself up, but then I realize... I'm already awake.

I'm the same age and have felt this way since I was 13 also. I just feel crazy like I'm being irrational. I do not want to be on medicine because I was on an antidepressant before and I feel like there's s stigma attached to that. Even my family treated me kinda different. I don't want to know that I can't handle life. My mom says that everyone goes through this and life sucks but you just have to be strong and deal with it. Because life isn't easy. But I just feel like I can't do it, I feel everything that person described. And yes i feel detached, but it's not depersonalization disorder (just so no one suggests that). i feel detached as a symptom of my depression.

What do I do? I already see a therapist. I can't bring myself to tell her or my mom or anything. Btw I'm not suicidal, I just think sometimes that my family would be better without me because I'm just miserable and I don't want to die, but I don't necessarily want to live either. But I don't self harm or anything like that. I'm just completely numb..

[Travelinglady]

You are definitely not alone. Who says there's a big stigma against medication? I doubt many people here do. If you had diabetes, would you consider yourself wimpy if you took medication for that?

You do what you think is best for you. Alas, sometimes our parents mean well, but the advice they give is off target. That's my take on it anyway.

I hope you will feel less detached at some point. Hang in here!

[Oystersoul]

Mental illness has been so misunderstood until recent times.... There is still a way to go though!

Don't completely diss the meds option though! If a diabetic weren't to use the meds for their chemical deficiency, they will die.
Same could be said for mental illness!! I know if I hadn't have had some medical intervention I would have killed my two children and have committed suicide by now!!
I too have felt like you since around the age of 13, I got messed up with some pretty nasty people and was lucky to get out!!
There tends to be a huge rush of hormones around that age, not always of the right amount which can leave people like you and I (and many others here) frightened, confused, overwhelmed and self destructive.

It is such a scary space there is much more available out there to help you lead a 'normal' life!!! It won't always be plain sailing, you will need help along the way but its knowing and accepting that it is okay to ask for help :kiss:

[RJ78]

My Mom, who suffers from depression too, has always told me about my depression that it's just a phase or it's something everyone goes through, which is simply not true. She was doing her best to console me (and probably herself), and she still does it, even though I have completely accepted my illness and am on medication, and etc. While it's true that life isn't easy, most people don't spend most moments of every day wondering if they're ok, or if they should live, or if they're worthy of love, etc, etc. That's why it's an illness, and only people who have fully experienced this state or have worked closely with people who have can appreciate the amount of suffering it can cause.

You said you don't tell your therapist about your feelings/thoughts. I know that therapy can be hard, but you can only get out of it what you put into it. Trust me, when you find empathetic ears, it becomes so much easier to share, and you may feel less isolated.

Keep us posted?

RJ

[musicislife_9]

Originally Posted by RJ78

My Mom, who suffers from depression too, has always told me about my depression that it's just a phase or it's something everyone goes through, which is simply not true. She was doing her best to console me (and probably herself), and she still does it, even though I have completely accepted my illness and am on medication, and etc. While it's true that life isn't easy, most people don't spend most moments of every day wondering if they're ok, or if they should live, or if they're worthy of love, etc, etc. That's why it's an illness, and only people who have fully experienced this state or have worked closely with people who have can appreciate the amount of suffering it can cause.

You said you don't tell your therapist about your feelings/thoughts. I know that therapy can be hard, but you can only get out of it what you put into it. Trust me, when you find empathetic ears, it becomes so much easier to share, and you may feel less isolated.

Keep us posted?

RJ

Wow, this was my first post on here and I didn't expect to get so much caring feedback from strangers. People aren't like this on yahoo answers! Lol. Thanks so much for your post, I appreciate it so much. I always thought maybe this is just a phase, but considering I've been diagnosed with depression/anxiety and that was 2 years ago, thinking about all the time I've spent thinking about how bad and miserable I feel, you're right about depression being a mental illness. Its not normal to feel this way. I'm usually so honest with my counselor, I love her and shes great. I haven't said anything because ever since I got things back to normal after getting in a lot of trouble, like things have been going really well for me and my parents and counselor think everything's just dandy because my grades are good and I'm staying out of trouble. So I don't want to spring this in them when they think everything's perfect. But I realized I need to say something to my counselor and I will next time I see her. I can't keep doing this on my own; its been too long. Thanks so much again I really appreciate the support. Its nice having people understand where I'm coming from. Ill let you know how it goes

[RJ78]

Yes, please do.