[Rapunzel]

I haven't taken St. John's Wort since May. I don't think I've been off of it this long (2 months) since I started, although I have thought I probably don't really need it in the summer. Every year there start to be days when I just feel sad and cloudy for no good reason. Each year it's earlier. 2003 was my bad year, with major depressive episodes in January-February, June, and November. That year it was late September when I started feeling the clouds (internal clouds - I wrote a poem about it) returning. In 2004 I don't remember when it started, but by October I was seriously withdrawing from everything and had no motivation. In 2005 I started feeling it in August, but figured it was triggered by the assault and problems at work. But it's only July now. This is way too soon, and it scares me.

Yesterday was even a pretty good day. There is just more that I need to do than I possibly can do (need to sell my house and move), and I'm avoiding it, and don't want to let anyone help because I will be embarassed. And I still have work, and school, and the animals (for the moment - it doesn't look like we will be able to get a place to keep them when we move), and I'm spending my evenings this week performing at a ren faire with my recorder group.

My sleep cycle is way off. I can't even get to sleep when I try now, even when I am so tired. My office was mostly closed last week, so I didn't have to get up at a set time, so I didn't go to bed until around 3, and I slept in the afternoon, and almost couldn't wake up for a meeting at 5 p.m. one day. This week I made it to morning (9:00) meetings for 2 days, and then didn't have to be there early so I slept in. Today I had to get up at 6:30 to take my daughter somewhere, and I started out okay. But I listened to an audiobook and it made me sad (the story hasn't gotten particularly sad yet - the characters were laughing and having fun). And I was sad about the dishes not being clean, and the brown sugar being dried out because it wasn't fastened, and about what I perceived as an error in a post one of my classmates made - all just a bunch of little stuff, but all I want to do is sit here and hold my cat.

Time to start up again on SJW already, huh?

[Sabrina]

My experience with SJW would hardly be supportive so I will not share .... but I wish you luck and strength. (And plenty understanding about dishes not being clean. This seems to get to me far more than it should).

Hugs to you.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( Rap )))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((( Rapunzel )))))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

((((((((((Sabrina))))))))))))
((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))
((((((((((Nina))))))))))))

Thanks for the support. -Rap

[PlanningtoLive]

Hope your doing better, Wendy. Take care of you and don't forget that people care.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi Rap,
I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy.
I find that lack of sleep will put me in a really bad state of mind- especially if it goes on for days and days.
Maybe you could try Melatonin supplements before the St. John's Wart?
It's what popped up in my mind when I read your post. Your sleep schedule is really out of whack.

[Rapunzel]

((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))
Thanks. It always helps to have peopel who care.

Jax, you might be right. Sometimes when I can't sleep it feels just like when I took too much of something and was too wired to sleep, but I haven't taken anything at all. I need to get my sleep cycle back on track. In the morning I have to get up at 6 for class again though. Maybe I can sleep on Sunday.

Getting out to the ren faire helped. I feel much better than before I went. I left work early today because I couldn't concentrate. Felt like crying most of the day. Did cry when the kids put on some sad music, and I thought about giving up my animals, and my daughter keeps talking about going fishing and all the sad and uncomfortable part of it like putting the worm on the hook, and a fish that they were going to release but it swallowed a hook. She says "poor fishy." Bad idea to go back to thinking about that. Getting out was nice tonight, and I ran into several people I know, which was nice, but saying goodbye was sad too.

Rap

[wisewoman]

Hang in there Wendy. It is no fun, moving again? Be well.

[Rapunzel]

It's not fun. I wish I could stay where I am, but I also wish it were over with.

TC, & thanks for understanding.

[damajdancer]

((((((((((((((( rapunzel )))))))))))))))
hope you feel better!
-megan-

[Rapunzel]

((((((((Megan))))))))

Yes, thanks. I was busy enough yesterday to be back to normal (for me lately, anyway). Sometimes I wonder if being sad is better than being disconnected and not feeling anything. I think maybe so, as long as it isn't over the edge, know what I mean?

Rap

[damajdancer]

i completely understand and agree with you!
feel free to pm me for anything anytime!
hugs
-megan-

[9874]

Yes, Rampunzel, at least when you're feeling sad you're connected with your inner world. Would it help too share here what you are feeling sad about? Give yourself permission to feel the sadness, and hopefully you can ride it like an ocean wave, ride it out.
Take gentle care!

[Rapunzel]

Thanks Megan and 9874. I appreciate it. Now I have to work at it to get to the sadness again. I think I did find a lot of what is at the bottom of it - the changes with having to move and give up my animals. Also, I'm generally disgruntled with how mixed up the world is these days. I feel a blog coming on, and will try to get to that tonight. My blog is changing too. I think it's going to go more in the direction of commentary on how the world around me is changing, and the struggle to live in the 21st century without forgetting where we came from. Those are my plans, anyway. One of the changes is that nobody has time for anything these days, including me trying to find time to blog.

Rap http://ddiamond.net

[(JD)]

((((hugs)))))

[Sujin]

Rapunzel,

I hope you are feeling better! Take good care of yourself.

Love,
Zen (Sujin)

[Rapunzel]

((((((Sky, Zen)))))))