i cant function... at all :Triggers likely

it is LITERALLY taking all of my strength and energy to type.
so many things are running through my head. im just going to get them al out so chose to read what you want

depression
ive been so depressed lately and it just keeps getting worse. i cant think, eat, move, or even form a sentence that makes sense.(out loud) i can only type/write down what i am thinking. my verbal communication is slowly disappearing. i can still speak, but it takes too much energy and it is difficult. anyway... im just so depressed. i constantly am being put down. i dont know if its other people or just in my head.

Panic Attacks
i have a lot of panic attacks. some are random and for no reason. some are very severe and are triggered my something. the little ones are easily managed. but the severe ones are hard to control and usually end with me about to kill myself. when i have an attack its like my state of mind changes. one minute i am 14/18 and the next minute im 6 years old. i dont know how to control this nor do i understand it. I just worry that the next panic attack will be my last.

Personality issues
ive been having some big trouble with my personalities. i cant tell them apart anymore. i dont know what to do. i cant get help or even ask for it because fear gets in the way. i know i need help but thats all i know. i am confused, alone, hopeless, scared, conflicted, torn, and just ready to give in. i just wish one of my personalities would take over so i dont have to deal with them fighting for control. they all want to say something at the same time. it is overwhelming and distracting. people suggest/tell me that i need to see a therapist or a specialist or even just go to the hospital. but i cant. i would have to explain everything to my (extremely non-understanding) mother first. And that will NEVER happen. i just dont have any options. And i certainly dont have any answers. What is wrong with me?

Suicide and cutting
i just want to cut every inch of my body. not for the pain, but for the relief i get from losing blood. its like letting the troubles drip away. The only thing that keeps me from cutting these days, its worrying that my mom will see them.
and ever little thing that upsets me makes me think of suicide. ESPECIALLY thinking about my Ex boyfriend that raped me. that just makes me want to die over and over again.


i just want it all to stop... the cutting, suicide, flashbacks, Physical Emotional Sexual abuse, the memories of rape, the loneliness, the pain, the sadness...EVERYTHING!!!

i have never wanted to die more than i do right now....

(But i wont act on my suicidal feeling)

Sorry,don't have any advice or suggestions, hang in there. ((HUGS))

Hang in there, we are all here with you.

GirlOfManyFaces, would you feel comfortable telling us a little about your mother? (If you don't, please ignore.) What does she say or do that shows you she would not support your going to a doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist for help?

GirlOfManyFaces

Damn sounds like quite a lot to deal with, do you have anyone close to you that you could discuss any of this with or do you go to therapy at all? It sounds like you could use some help with all that...not really sure what would be available or practical for you though.

I kind of know the feeling of being that depressed, though I haven't experienced everything you have. Sorry I can't be of more help.