I'm feeling extremely bad right now and can't figure any real reason I should be. As I mentioned in a previous post I returned back to the site in the hopes of finding help, and having support and stuff. I've found that, and some good people to talk with. I planned on calling about going to get a psychiatric evaluation but I procrastinated all last week saying I'd do it tomorrow but now I'm incredibly anxious. I have severe anxiety, so even the seemingly most meaningless tasks can be a huge ordeal and even calling can be a massive issue. I'm nervous and worried and I don't really have anyone I could ask to go with me, or help me with this. I've got lots of friends in theory, but none left that I feel would actually come help and so I see myself procrastinating until the point I decide I'm sick of thinking of it and give up on trying to change my life.

The whole goal is to get my life manageable, and actually have something to call a life. I've been doing nothing for 27 years as far as "Having a life" as people say. I'm 27, alone, have never been with anyone, and find it hard to believe people when they say they care about me. I have never been able to work more than 3 months. Well my other post explains all this. The point is right now I'm just feeling hopeless about my prospects of actually tackling this all by myself. I know the community here is here for me, but that doesn't do much good towards physically getting me to an appointment. I know I don't want to die but now that I'm in my late 20's I've started to really take on the "Get busy living or get busy dying" and my string of ending friendships has me worried my mind is setting me up to kill myself this year. I don't want it to come to that. Thus I'm finally trying to get help. People on here were kind enough to help me with the resources and stuff but now I need help with the execution and don't know who to ask and that leads to a spiral downwards to where I am now. Anxious, alone, and incredibly sad.

The weird thing is that for the first time in 10 years someone challenged me to force myself to vulnerable and to be challenged by thoughts and feelings I had pushed away. That's why I can't explain why I'm so down because I was so excited to feel alive for the first time in a long time.

My chest is just been full of anxiety the last few days and it really has me worried about myself cause it's not normal for me at all to deal with it for this extended amount of time. It feels like my chest is collapsing in on itself all the while my heart is exploding.

[allimsaying]

Hi FERFA,

Im in a rush this morning and I dont have time to give you a complete reply. I just wanted to say you're taking the right steps. The chest tightening is pretty hard to deal with. If you can, try to clear your mind with some deep breathing and positive thinking. It will also re-expand your lungs, making sure your mind is getting enough oxygen to help deal with the extra stress youre feeling right now. I'll come back and check this thread later. I hope you get a lot of helpful replies.

[Big Mama]

Hey FERFA, Just checkin on ya. I hope all is well or at least improving. Sometimes well is over used I hope you are getting by and things are looking up even just a little will help. Agreed. Keep us up dated PLEASE. A simple "I'm Here" will do. Doesn't need to be a long drawn out conversation. Just drop us a line.

Concerned about ya,
Big Mama

[Lorilouise]

Just want you to know you are not alone! I have and have always had so many of those same feelings.

Well. I've had an interesting few days to say the least. All my anxiety culminated in me becoming incredibly suicidal last night (Days are blurring so I can't remember) which has not happened in years and for the first time ever I called a help line thanks to Mara Mountain who just happened to be in chat. While I'm at it, I want to thank the others that were also there and helped me out I really appreciate it. I couldn't figure out what had happened or anything. I got out of a bath and went to my bed to go to sleep and was just overcome with the thought that "This is it". I still don't know what happened.

What I do know is it had nothing to do with my birthday today which ended up being really depressing. I'm not the type to say I care about my birthday so people don't really remember it. My mother and one of my brothers sent me really nice messages but they were full of messages I couldn't "Hear" if you know what I mean. For example my brother said "I hope you do something really fun and treat yourself well on your special day. You deserve it". I just don't feel like I deserve anything in the world. Also these last few days I've felt incredibly needy on this site and don't want to gain the reputation of someone in constant attention seeking mode. It's just a really bad time for me these days and until I can get in for that psych evaluation I think I'm going to be staying in this pit. I feel just awful right now and want to take a bunch of drugs to just keep me passed out. You know that feeling of wanting to be alive but dead? Yeah. I just want to be in and out of consciousness. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow but I know it's not going to help any going forward. Hopefully I can get help soon and don't need to call that hotline again any time soon.

Thanks for the support all.

[allimsaying]

You dont need to feel bad posting here FERFA but I understand the feeling. I just want to encourage you to stay on the getting healthy track. If you want to, you can look at all these horribly uncomfortable feelings as part of the transition youre going thru. Yes, its uncomfortable, for now. But that feeling will fade as you continue to make the positive steps and complete your turn towards doing better things for yourself.

BTW: Its your birthday, hope you can find something healthy to do to celebrate.Right now it may not seem like a cause to celebrate but give yourself a break a little if you can. Feel sad for what isnt, but gather strength for what can be.

[RJ78]

Hey FERFA,

You needn't feel bad for reaching out to us here on the forum or for calling the hotline, that's what we/they're for. If you feel like giving up again and are overwhelmed by the feeling, you could always go to emergency at a local hospital, you'll probably expedite the psych evaluation that way.

Whatever you do, just keep posting!

RJ

[Big Mama]

Hey. I feel badly for you. I get that super needy feeling for a few weeks every 6 mo or so. I feel terrible for coming here and dumping my crap and throwing myself a pity party, and falling apart adn coming unglued. But I think folks here can handle that. We are psy central you know not the happy and all is good central.

Do you have an appointment for an evaluation yet? I made an appointment for my H at one point. The appointment was 3 months out. When I told them "What are you F N crazy" they said take it or leave it more or less, tough cookies for you. We took it. I agree if the need arises Go to the ER. Go be committed of a few days. Get the good drugs (don't know if that is sound advice, but it is practical advice) and sleep for a few days then deal when you wake up. My brother in law is a frequent visitor at the psy center. He doesn't min it to bad. He sleep the first few days and eats good warm meals. Then work on things after a few days. It is like one stop shopping for mental health. T's , Dr's, Rx's, all in one place. No oodles of Dr visits required. He goes to a state facility when he is coherent enough so he doesn't have to pay. When it is serious he goes to the closest place available.

Please keep us informed. There are alot of people here that are concerned about you, Like I said earlier it doesn't have to be a long drawn out explination, just a simple HI. Hope you get sleep, or a dr visit, or a hug, or what ever you need today. Some days we take things day by day. Others hour by hour. Even if today is a min by min day that is ok. Sometimes it happens. Take care.

[Nammu]

I'm probably not in the best place to be saying anything right now because I'm not in the best of places myself, but I do understand where your at. You are incredibly open and straightforward about whats going on and thats a rare and beautiful gift. You have a talent for expressing your state of mind in writing. Keep reaching out and keep in touch.

There's a poem I love Titled The Desiderata; part of it is "....You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here. Whether or not it is clear to you no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should....."
That has always been a comforting thought when I'm troubled by the long dark of the night. I hope it might help you and anyone else here.

[Stoda]

I don't have any eloquent words of wisdom for you. I wish I did, but I just don't. But I can say that if you want to pm or private chat with me on any of this stuff, I'll be there for you. And I can say that I care.

And I can say that this is exactly what PC is for. All of us to act as a community and to help a person when they are down. So while I can appreciate your concerns, please don't feel bad about posting or chatting about your problems. (((((Ferfa)))))

Also I can leave you with a quote that helps me...

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher

[patches4.0]

FERFA

Call one of the crisis numbers I gave you and find a crisis team that will come to you. See you on chat.

Patches

Thank you all for the kind words, and words of encouragement. I must admit coming back to the site has proven to be worth while for me. I still have no set a date, or called anyone. I don't know why I can't, I just can't. I'm waiting on other people at the moment and I'm sure it'll come together I'm just not sure it'll be as soon as I'd like. I wrote my brother today and basically reiterated what I said here.

"I'm really not doing good Eric. I called a suicide hotline for the first time ever last night. I couldn't figure out what happened. I was having a bath, got out to go to sleep and just got crazy suicidal like nothing that's ever happened before. I've rejoined a site dedicated to mental health and I've been working towards trying to get in to see a psychiatrist for a psych evaluation and get on the right drugs and get a referral to a psychologist. Believe it or not the timing of my birthday is purely coincidental. The problem I'm having is getting myself help. I no longer feel like I have people I can ask to go with me and stuff so it's tough because it's all cyclical and thinking like that gets me depressed about the fact I can't ask anyone. This is the year I decide to get busy living or get busy dying. It's simple. I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time and no one ever knows. That's why this is my make or break year. I can't take it anymore being in this middle ground where it isn't bad, but it isn't good either. Life starts now with me getting help or ends rapidly."

He's offered to drive up here and help if I can't find someone else so I may take him up on that as ridiculous as that sounds given that one of my brothers lives above me. I've never talked to him about depression ever since he told me that I ruined his part of his childhood by being so ****ed up when I was 15 and 16. That's still the single worst thing anyone has ever said to me and he meant it. Just wanted to share as it gives context to why I can't ask him to help.

I'm doing good today I think. Going to hopefully get a long sleep for once tonight and get back to my ever so "Cheery" self lol. Maybe tomorrow is my bounce back day.

[allimsaying]

Hang in there FERFA

[Big Mama]

Thank you for sharing a little more of your story. I hope your brother that lives away can help. Take him up on the offer. We are glad you here at PC. Please continue talking to us. Disney world is not the most wonderful place on earth, Psych Central is the the most wonderful place on earth. Hope today is a brighter day after a good nights sleep.

[Nammu]

I know what you mean on it being hard to take that most definite step to reach out and get help. A chasm seems to rise up and stretch out so I hope you let your brother come and help with that. Thanks for the updates.

Sounds like I'll be getting help from a friend tomorrow who will go with me so that's good news just need to get through today. I generally feel worse at night and it's currently 1:53pm in the afternoon and I feel just way down in the pits and so so tired. I know I should sleep but when I try to my mind races because of worrying about tomorrow. My anxiety will be through the roof tonight so I'm hoping my new pills will help me out with that or I'm screwed.

[Big Mama]

Thank you for the update. Stay here and talk to us if you need to. Gosh I do. I don't know why night time seems to make things worse. I used to dread night time. I guess it's being unable to see, unable to go, knowing that dr offices are closed, RX's are closed. There is noting to do to take your mind off of things. TV is even terrible at night.

On the plus side this site is up and running and there folks in chat at least till 2 am. Some times I just sit and read every thing every friend on my friend list has posted. (Gee I hope that doesn't scare anyone ) I go threw the new posts and help where I can.

Good luck tomorrow. I really hope you can get some relief.

[RJ78]

Hey FERFA,

Thanks for keeping us in the loop. I was wondering how you were doing. How did things go today?

RJ

It went very well. Went and got a psych evaluation yesterday and I'm going back up to 300 mg Wellbutrin + some Serotonin thing (Which might also help me neck and elbows issue). I go back Monday to start seeing a psychologist one on one and develop a plan for what we're going to do going forward. I feel very good about it, I'm just trying not to think about group therapy because it's my worst nightmare and primarily what they do so we'll see what happens. If it doesn't work out with them, they'll help me get on some other setup. Thanks guys and dolls.

[RJ78]

That's great FERFA, it sounds like a very productive day! Way to take charge of your well-being.

RJ

[Big Mama]

FERFA Thanks for the update. I am glad you got some answers. Interesting about the serptonin, I had no idea it could help w/ that. I hope things go well for you. Have a blessed day.

[Nammu]

I'm so glad to hear that. I'm glad too that they will have alternatives if the group doesn't work for you. It is encouraging to hear.