[jpfendler]

Hi, I'm new here, and I just need to talk. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, with PSTD I also have 2 severe health issuses that keeps me from working, I'm losin functios of my extremities I'm in alot of pain, and this doesn't help my depression.
The last few weeks I have been feeling such a deep lonelyness in my heart, I cry allot and its so hard for me to get up in the morning, the only reason I do is because I have Dr. appts. and physical theapy but then I just want to come home and stay in my room. sometimes I do want to talk to someone but I just cant find the words to say. or sometimes I wish someone would just come and hold me and just let me cry until I fall asleep, or tell me I'm going to be okay. I wish I could call my mom and she would tell me she loves me and hold me without saying anything. My heart is hurting so much lately and I cant explain why. I have had depression my whole life and I was taught to hide my feelings and I learned to put a smile on my face and say I'm fine but deep inside I wish people would just look in my eyes and see that im not fine, I have also learned at a early age to build a wall around me because I'm afraid of being hurt. I don't know if any of this makes since but I just needed to talk and finding this site I thought I'd try it.
Its easy for me to write because know one knows me so I can't hear anyone here make fun of me or judge me, or think that im stupid for writing this, I just hope that someone will see that my feelings are real and I just need someone to understand.

[BlackTears]

Your not stupid and nothing u feel is stupid.... Writing about my feelings helps me for the most part.. Hold your head up high you are great!!!!!

[hannabee]

Gosh Im so sorry that you can't call you Mom and get what you need from her. Well, hang in there, many people here are quite intelligent and helpful and there is no such thing as stupid. Hugs to you.

[bluefish27]

I understand how you feel. Sending big hugs your way.

[Sabra]

JP,
You are in good company here. We have felt the same way you do currently. No one is going to make fun of you or judge you. Your emotions are so raw. Please don't misread what people post to you. That is another issue with depression....sometimes we misinterpret words. You are in a safe place.

I have also learned at a early age to build a wall around me because I'm afraid of being hurt. I don't know if any of this makes since but I just needed to talk and finding this site I thought I'd try it.

I understand your fear and the wall. However, when we build walls, neither good nor bad feelings can touch us. Keep your wall, you can let it down slowly. Please tell one of your docs about the severity of your depression. If you could talk to a therapist, I think it would help a lot.

Chronic illness plays a big role in depression.

You made a major step in posting here.

Take gentle care,

Sabra

"

[ajmich]

Sabra and the others are spot on: You are safe here and when you can, you will talk with a professional to help lift you up a notch (even half a notch!) so some of the pain and nasty thinking about yourself will dissipate. Meanwhile you can accomplish some of that here just by talking like you have and when people reach out, reach back, it can feel a bit better even at the worst of times.

Believe me, I understand, and everything you said makes sense. I don't really know what to say because I'm dealing with the same thing...