[breakingeven13]

I'm 21 years old and I'm also a girl. I was molested by a close family friend (girl) for 3 consecutive years from 4th-6th grade, at the time I didn't think it was wrong, I just didn't understand what was going on but when I did I felt so depressed, confused with my sexuality, disgusted with myself, hateful, angry at everything, sad, alone and I always thought about ending my life up until the 8th grade when a really good friend of mine convinced me that I was worth more than that and that was the only thing that stopped me from ending my life. I didn't have sex in high school, didn't really talk to any guys ever, I still felt like I was gross and ashamed but I could never figure out why. I guess I learned to block out what happened and I've researched a little bit and apparently that's a 'coping mechanism' of people who have gone through that. I gained really intense anxiety and I would scratch my wrists until I literally dug out lines of my flesh and raised concerns to my p.e teacher when she saw my arm wrapped under my sweater and I just told her I fell and not to worry about it. I felt like I was falling apart on the inside and then my world on the outside came crashing down just as quickly. My parents started their divorce immediately following my 18th birthday. I think I felt responsible for it, even though it's not my fault, but I just lost control of myself and I just broke down and did things I wouldn't dream of ever doing before; I was the girl involved in sports and clubs and a social butterfly going through beauty school to follow my dreams....and it was almost like a flash and then I was out partying every night, drinking, smoking and doing drugs. I had a lot of friends, a lot of party buddies, a lot of raving but I never thought I would be the girl who would wake up confused, angry, sad and betrayed but that's how I felt....Unconscious and unaware, one of my best guy friends who I had considered a brother had raped me and I didn't even know until I woke up the next morning when my friends were talking about it and I brushed it off like it didn't matter but, I felt so tore down inside, because I felt like that was one thing I could actually control and was happy that I could share that with someone I loved. A few weeks passed and I lost tons of weight from all the drugs and I picked up eating disorders and I started seeing this guy he was 27...an alcoholic...even though it seems like common sense now...i accepted the love I thought I deserved, he was really nice at first, fun and funny and then it turned out a lot different than I would have expected. It started with him drinking then beating me or throwing me around. I remember one time specifically he was arguing with me about wanting to have sex and he grabbed me by the neck and threw me against the wall and told me to say no again and I did and he hit me and held me down on his bed and raped me and it happened a lot and it lasted for about 2 months before I even built up the strength to walk away and when I did, I was scared for my life that he was going to find me and keep doing it until I was dead. I've never really told anyone, not all the specific details of all this stuff cause I felt like it was stupid and I was stupid for letting them happen but I know I need help and I can't deal with it alone anymore. I am trying so hard to be happy but the past couple days I have just broke down in tears for hours at a time thinking about everything that has gone on in my life and I finally told my dad that I was going to go back on Anxiety Meds and start seeing a therapist and he just kept telling me how stupid it is but he doesn't know any of this stuff, he just knows I've been depressed before. He doesn't know the thoughts that have ran through my mind for years at the most random times possible, but I do. I feel like I pick people I feel like I can fix, but it just ends up being a disaster or I aim higher than I deserve I guess. All I have ever wanted is to be loved by a male figure who can understand what I have been through, what I have felt, seen or even lived through. I never thought it was bad, until I watched a movie that really opened a door for me and reminded me of myself (The Perks of Being A Wallflower) and it fit so perfectly and I just cried through the last hour of the movie because of how well it fit to my life. I just decided I couldn't do this alone anymore. I'm afraid of being judged, of being criticized, but I just need support and help understanding that I am not alone. I know I deserve to be happy, but it's hard when I've locked away my past so much and now that it's re-surfacing, I feel like I can't be happy and know who I am because I feel so damaged and broken inside that I have frequent anxiety attacks and they tear me apart the thoughts that are back in my head. I am always worried about seeing anyone because I don't know what to expect. I'm so used to being used and thrown away...I just want to matter like really legit matter for once.

I am seeing this guy, he is the first guy who really has things together for himself and we're getting pretty close and I want to tell him but I don't know how without breaking down into tears and crying my eyes out and I don't want to scare him away from me....idk what to do...or how or even if I should tell him......I know he isn't ready for a relationship and I can understand why because I finally feel like I can take things slow and steady instead of jumping at the opportunity..he means a lot to me and every day I grow more appreciation for him being respectful to me and happier that maybe he could finally be the answer to all my prayers. Just hard to explain to him why I have trust issues or why I am who I am......

[Travelinglady]

Hi! I'm sorry we were so slow to respond to your post. I just saw it. My, you have had some bad experiences. I agree that it would be very helpful for you to see a therapist. Assuming you are officially an adult, you don't need your dad's blessing or approval.

We also have a place for people who have been abused and all sorts of other forums, too, that might tie into some of your experiences. After five acceptable posts, you can join the social groups.

To answer your question, yes, it can get better! And we hope we can be part of that healing process and good experience.

[Leed]

Bless your heart -- you've really had a rough time. I can see where it would be hard to trust anyone, but at the same time wanting love and support.

Why don't you post on "Survivors of Abuse" forum?? There, they will certainly understand what you've been through, and offer excellent advice and support. Many have been through the same things that you've been through. So go ahead and post there. I'm sure you'll feel comfortable there.

I wish you the very best. Please keep posting, and I hope we hear more from you. God bless and take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee