[Adelaide333]

I put the question mark because I don't really know how to talk about depression. I believe I've dealt with depression for a very long time, it's just gotten worse over the years. I've had troubles with a physical disability, a some troubles with my family.

I'll just start with my disability. I was diagnosed with DMD at the age of ten. For those who don't know it's a degenerative muscle disease. It has no cure but they have some medications that slow down the progression. Though they would have a cure if stem cell research was legal. When I was younger I felt like a happier kid, I just wanted to do my own thing and be perky about it. The only problem was, eventually I wasn't able to keep up with everybody else, which really sucked of course. But the big problem was the fact that I saw doctors every 6 months for about 6 hours a day. I also had other appointments within those 6 months so I would say I've been to a hospital a ton over the past 9 years. Always though, no matter what I would get the phrase "Your doing great, but slowly your failing." I mean, I've been told I'm one of the strongest people ever with my disability, but to me the fact that slowly I'm failing is upsetting. I mean I know I should look at the positive, how is it positive for me to look at the fact i'm doing the best ever. Doing the best ever still only gives me 40 years of good quality life, and I'm halfway there. Whats worse is my medications, cause feelings of being bipolar depression and other stuff. But if I stop taking my meds I'll die. Although I don't know if it's causing these feelings. I just believe i'm having a hard and stressfull life, and nobody has ever told me that it will be okay. I mean there is no cure no nothing, but hearing the words it will be okay gives me enough strength to live.

My disability has caused a ton of problems. Even though I look on the bright side as much as I can, it's difficult to find it when your in a dark hole. For most of my life, and dealing with doctors and my disability, I kind of put life on the ignore button. I ran away from life, to the land of imagination and video games. Even books, anyway to get away from this situation. Unfortunately I missed out on a lot of moments, like the last few years of high school. I never grew up like most people did. People say yur 19 your an adult now, but I don't feel like an adult, I feel like a 16-15 year old. Another issue I developed was an hard exterior, to my soft interior. I threw away my emotions, because I was constantly upset. 3 years ago, I didn't know who I was at all. I still barely know who I am.

I went through a time, where all my friends left me. I lost my best best friend, because I graduated elementary school a year earlier. I lost my best friend when he decided my birthday wasn't something he wanted to come to, and yet he went to his other friends a week later. I lost about 10 of my other friends, because one girl didn't like me, so they all joined in. That was around the time, I hit probably my lowest point in depression. Since I had no friends, I made up friends in my mind. I would go to school come home do my homework, then go into my room shut the lights off, and live in my imagination. To be honest though, in the end I was kind of happy, and my imagination kept me wanting to live. I gained friends at school but in the end, they didn't contact me so they're forgotten. On the plus side, I do have friends on websites, that know me very well and accept me, but I haven't had physical friends in a while.

From that incident of the lights off, my parents would tell me it was a bad habit. Of corse it was a bad habit, but I didn't know how else to explain I was depressed. I infact haven't really ever been able to explain myself without resorting to the "I'll kill myself" phrase. I just want somebody to ask me if i'm depressed, instead of saying it. In the end I really should try to stop saying it, even if I am asking for help. It was around that time though, that my dad started picking fights with me because of my time on the computer. He didn't want me on the computer I guess? I don't know. But in the end our fights got so bad. He just wouldn't leave me alone and kept yelling at me. So I would mess with him. I would throw stuff at him I guess? and he would just yell and yell and yell, so I would run away. I ran away like 10 times in 14 nights, sometimes coming home at midnight. My mom would not disagree with him, because she has issues herself, but I kind of hated her in the end. My parents took away my computer, which by that time meant, I would have absolutely nobody to talk to. Then they took away my video game systems, and told me "in time you'll thank us." I'm still not thanking them for it. Life was horrible back then, but I kept myself going in the end. I ended up jumping out of my wheelchair, when my dad decided to disengage it, and declared "I'm taking you in for a psychiatric evaluation." So I broke my femer due to weak bones. The person who talked to me said I was fine, but I needed to speak to a therapist. It was funny, but being in the hospital was the best time of my life. I think I spent 4 weeks in there. After I broke my femur though, my dad decided to yell at me some more. I swear if I got home, my leg would have been broken a few times, but I don't have any proof of this. A spoke with many of therapists counselors, and they all said I was normal, and they all recommended counseling. When I got back home, I was speaking with a counselor at school, and even got a social worker to help me. In the end my dad turned around, but I never went back to a counselor.

My depression went away for a while, I even got into a relationship, although that ended with a poof. And now 4 months later, I feel like I'm worse then before on the depression scale, Although now I think it's just a horrendous amount of stress. In the end, I don't think I ever got over depression, because when I was in the relationship, I never felt happy or love or anything. I'm pretty sure I discovered part of the problem was gender dysphoria. When I figured it out I was, I discovered happiness, true happiness, but in the end it brought me here.

I'm at the point in life, where I tend to ask myself is life really worth it to live? I mean it comes and goes based on how the day goes. If good day in which good things happen, usually I'm happy. If it's a bad day, usually i'm unhappy. And if it's a really bad day, well obviously i'm very unhappy. The thing is, something really small like, a comment, could make me feel very bad. And something like, ice cream could make me have a good day. Though even in this, it usually happens in 3 day cycles, but everything has a reason to it. The main issue I have is my thoughts. I think of the future too much. I think, oh life is great now, but what will I do for the rest of it? It made me realize, that for a while I lived everyday like I was going to die the next day. It was like I was hoping for it, but I didn't notice it. It was actually after I discovered more of my gender issues I realized, wait, I could live for the next whatsoever time I have left. It's just interesting for me to think about. I just question what i'm going to do with my life, because right now I have no clue, and in the end i'm pretty sure thats one of the worst idea's.

The last kind of page of issues is my parents. My dad can be a real Jerk, to my mother, and me. He's not my biological dad, my real dad probably would have killed me. I just feel bad for my mother when, my dad gets pissed off at her, and my mom suffers with depression and anxiety (not from him), and he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand how somebody feels that way, how somebody can be afraid of people, or making a phone call. It's unfortunate, because I hear them yelling, and I sometimes swear if I didn't exist, they would be much happier without me. I feel like my disability has been too much on them, and I should move out so they stop yelling at each other.

So now I just sit and try to distract myself from my depression, and horrible thoughts, until I can go see a therapist or whatever. In the end I'm trying to have a positive outlook, but it doesn't seem like life gives me a chance. Anyways, peace and love, and thanks for reading.

[Travelinglady]

Sure, I'm glad to read! I just wish I'd seen your post earlier. Sorry we were slow about responding.

I certainly agree that it sounds like you are depressed. And who wouldn't be under your circumstances? Is there any way you can get to see a therapist soon? I definitely think you need someone to talk to.

Meanwhile, we are here. Sometimes more people who are active are here than at other times, but we do try to answer all posts.

You have been dealt a bad hand, but you can get help in making the most out of it. We do care. There are other people here, too, by the way, who have bad health problems. Maybe you could post in the health section, too.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Adelaide333.

Originally Posted by Adelaide333

...something really small like, a comment, could make me feel very bad. And something like, ice cream could make me have a good day. Though even in this, it usually happens in 3 day cycles, but everything has a reason to it.

Three day mood cycles -- interesting. Have you discussed this with any of your doctors/counselors?

[Adelaide333]

Well, right now i'm working on a 5 day cycle, which is impressive for me. But no I haven't discussed it with anybody. Although right now I am trying to get a referral for some sort of therapist.

[allimsaying]

I hope you're able to connect with someone in real life too but its ok to come here and talk about your feelings all you need to. Sending hugs.