[picklewheeze]

Hey, I've never posted in this forum before. I mainly post in the survivors of abuse forum as thats what I tend to think about a lot. But I suppose its about time I thought a bit more about my depression.

I got some news today. I dont know if its good or bad. Its a bit bittersweet really.

I got diagnosed with depression 4 years ago, but recently following a close family death and loads of other stress its become much more severe. I also suffer with anxiety. I have loads of issues etc. that I'm medicated for and I also have counselling, tried CBT and am on the waiting list for something else I cant remember what.

My mum knows I have depression but thats about it. I'm always VERY vague with her about it and put it down to the bereavement we suffered. Its a lot more complicated than that but she doesnt need to know.

She's NEVER understood it at all, which is why I dont tell her anything. I never inform her of my treatments or anything. She only really knows because Ive been signed off of work at the moment.

My auntie lives in Australia but she comes over every other year and we are really close. I've always felt she's the only one in my family that understands things like this. When my Nan died, I started to grieve normally and openly then as soon as she left I just completely stopped (until now).

My mums close with her too and they speak a lot. My mum obviously told her abotu my depression as I recieved an email from my Auntie this morning telling me she got diagnosed with major depression 20 years ago.

It gave me comfort, I felt so much less alone. I didn't feel like the only weakling and freak in the family. I understood exactly why I felt the way I did; that she understood me. Because she really did.

Then it dawned on me: why is it okay for her to have depression, but not me? Surely my mum knows about her, and accepts it. So why cant she accept it with me?

Admittedly my mum doesnt know half of my childhood - she didnt give a **** at the time. She doesnt know any of the SA and she tries to forget/ignore how much she neglected me. SHe makes me feel like a freak.

If our family just had a few less secrets and everyone was more honest with her we might actually help each other out about!!!

On the other hand, I can completely understand why my Auntie didnt want everyone to know.

This is all quite rhetorical, I just needed to put it out there to SOMEONE.

[tinyrabbit]

Glad you felt you could post. It's not fair at all but unfortunately families can be really rubbish about these things.

My mum does the same thing: plays everything down, edits things to suit her and ignores anything that doesn't fit with her version of reality, refuses to acknowledge she is neglectful, etc. My dad gets to be depressed, I don't.

So I really sympathise.

(((Hugs)))

[picklewheeze]

I actually DETEST being at home.

I feel so angry at everyone all the time, I just dont want to be here because I'm treating my sister how my mum used to treat me. My mums not so bad now and I just want to leave her to bring up my sister.

**** :'(

I just want to move into my grandad's. But its not like a real life. My feet dont feel like there on the ground it his, it just feels like I'm running. I just slip into his life, the life of an old man. I'm only young for christ sake.

I wish I could just live there until I could get a house with my friends. I only stayed at home to look after my Nan and shes dead now. I was meant to be moving out with some friends next year but theyre not sure anymore so wont put their name down on a lease f or anywhere.

I just feel so alone It feels like my only option is to give up.

[tinyrabbit]

So is there any reason why you can't live at your grandad's? And could you move into a shared house like I said on the other thread - you don't need friends to move with, you can look for advertised rooms. I have lived in a LOT of houseshares and actually find it's better not to live with close friends as you end up getting on each other's nerves, it tends to work better with people you don't know so well.

Please don't give up. It will get better, honestly.

[picklewheeze]

Thats actually quite a good idea.. I hadnt thought of that. I'll go into my student union and inquire, thanks for the idea. Hopefully I'll be brave enough to live with strangers lol.

Theres not like a reason I cant live at my Grandads. I just worry I'll throw my life away because when I'm at his its not like a real life. We dont do anything, I dont do any work. We just eat and drink tea and watch films. I worry if I move their I'll give up on my course and career and just spend all my time with him until he dies, then I'll have NOTHING to live for.

[tinyrabbit]

Sounds like a house share could be just the thing. Good luck!