[Alastria]

First, before I say anything else, I would like to mention something about the reason I use color. In every forum I've been to, someone always asks me why it's colorful. Well, I would like to tell you first hand, it's calming. Yep, that's it. It's just pleasing to the eye and, for some reason, the soft colors make me smile.
I would like to say that I was recommended to come to this form by Leed, who recognized something I've been wishy-washy about. Seeing that a total stranger could see something just from a few things I pointed out, I've come to a conclusion that she's probably right. Even if mild, it's still there fogging up my emotions.

So, may I tell you a story?

About five years or so ago, there was a happy little family. This family consisted of a curious little girl, a playful and hardworking Mother, and a hardworking and cool Father. It was a simple three person family, going on with the normal, daily life. However, it was noticeable that the mother and father were slowly splitting apart. Fights were more apparent the parents seemed to spend less time together and more with friends.
One day the Father found an old friend, an old girlfriend that he was very close to back in the day. This triggered that inner love back up and he decided to leave the mother for good. The Mother went into a mental breakdown. The Father stayed at a friend's house while he got better acquainted with the old girl-friend, taking his daughter with him.
The child, however shrugged everything off as if it way just a way of life. As if all of this was suppose to happen, as if nothing affected her, and it seemed not to.
Father moved out of the friend's house with his old girlfriend while the child went with her Mother since she recovered from her breakdown. After that, it seemed to be a normal occurrence of staying with the Mother then going with the Father during the weekend. Though as time pressed on, she would avoid taking to her Father and she started not wanting to go to school, literally not going to school for the last two months.
Appalled with the child's grades, he took her away from her Mother even though she didn't want to leave. She stayed with him for the next school year, going everyday then coming home after and going straight to sleep. This lasted before the Father enrolled her in an after school activity, how grand. So after school, instead of coming home to sleep, she instead stayed and did the club activities. This, though, she actually enjoyed, staying with it longer then the deal intended.
When the year was over, she wanted to go back to her Mother yet wanted to stay in the same school so she could stay in the club. The Mother complied and packed up everything and moved closer to the school. The Child promised to keep in touch and went back living with the Mother.
The next school year started out pretty well. Yet, as time went on she wanted less and less to do with her Father as well as school and the club, wanting more to be at home alone with herself and her computer. She didn't want to leave or get up, she didn't want to have to talk to anyone, and she definitely didn't want to see anyone.

This is were I am.

I despise talking with anyone, and when I do talk to someone, before I prep myself first, my voice sounds very aggravated and seems to be laced with sarcastic hate. Also, I cry when I hear certain voices I haven't heard in a while as well as cry randomly every once in a while.
I don't really know why, and I'm guessing it's because of the break-up. Then again, I'm serious when I say I don't care that they're not together.
To tell you the truth, I don't care about most things, which does disturb me slightly at the time where I should, or when I have a complete opposite emotion then what I should have. I remember in eighth grade there was an announcement on the intercom telling us about a death that occurred. What is sickening about this is I had to duck my head down because I could help the smile that twisted on my lips. Oh, here's another one. My Mother was yelling at me, crying, and I could help but laugh, right in her face! What kind of sicko am I!?
Sigh, I'm sorry for the lengthy summary of my boring life. Though, I hope you could give me some insight.

Thank-You and I'm Sorry,
Alastria

[CharactorAssassin]

Originally Posted by Alastria

First, before I say anything else, I would like to mention something about the reason I use color. In every forum I've been to, someone always asks me why it's colorful. Well, I would like to tell you first hand, it's calming. Yep, that's it. It's just pleasing to the eye and, for some reason, the soft colors make me smile.
I would like to say that I was recommended to come to this form by Leed, who recognized something I've been wishy-washy about. Seeing that a total stranger could see something just from a few things I pointed out, I've come to a conclusion that she's probably right. Even if mild, it's still there fogging up my emotions.

So, may I tell you a story?

About five years or so ago, there was a happy little family. This family consisted of a curious little girl, a playful and hardworking Mother, and a hardworking and cool Father. It was a simple three person family, going on with the normal, daily life. However, it was noticeable that the mother and father were slowly splitting apart. Fights were more apparent the parents seemed to spend less time together and more with friends.
One day the Father found an old friend, an old girlfriend that he was very close to back in the day. This triggered that inner love back up and he decided to leave the mother for good. The Mother went into a mental breakdown. The Father stayed at a friend's house while he got better acquainted with the old girl-friend, taking his daughter with him.
The child, however shrugged everything off as if it way just a way of life. As if all of this was suppose to happen, as if nothing affected her, and it seemed not to.
Father moved out of the friend's house with his old girlfriend while the child went with her Mother since she recovered from her breakdown. After that, it seemed to be a normal occurrence of staying with the Mother then going with the Father during the weekend. Though as time pressed on, she would avoid taking to her Father and she started not wanting to go to school, literally not going to school for the last two months.
Appalled with the child's grades, he took her away from her Mother even though she didn't want to leave. She stayed with him for the next school year, going everyday then coming home after and going straight to sleep. This lasted before the Father enrolled her in an after school activity, how grand. So after school, instead of coming home to sleep, she instead stayed and did the club activities. This, though, she actually enjoyed, staying with it longer then the deal intended.
When the year was over, she wanted to go back to her Mother yet wanted to stay in the same school so she could stay in the club. The Mother complied and packed up everything and moved closer to the school. The Child promised to keep in touch and went back living with the Mother.
The next school year started out pretty well. Yet, as time went on she wanted less and less to do with her Father as well as school and the club, wanting more to be at home alone with herself and her computer. She didn't want to leave or get up, she didn't want to have to talk to anyone, and she definitely didn't want to see anyone.

This is were I am.

I despise talking with anyone, and when I do talk to someone, before I prep myself first, my voice sounds very aggravated and seems to be laced with sarcastic hate. Also, I cry when I hear certain voices I haven't heard in a while as well as cry randomly every once in a while.
I don't really know why, and I'm guessing it's because of the break-up. Then again, I'm serious when I say I don't care that they're not together.
To tell you the truth, I don't care about most things, which does disturb me slightly at the time where I should, or when I have a complete opposite emotion then what I should have. I remember in eighth grade there was an announcement on the intercom telling us about a death that occurred. What is sickening about this is I had to duck my head down because I could help the smile that twisted on my lips. Oh, here's another one. My Mother was yelling at me, crying, and I could help but laugh, right in her face! What kind of sicko am I!?
Sigh, I'm sorry for the lengthy summary of my boring life. Though, I hope you could give me some insight.

Thank-You and I'm Sorry,
Alastria

I think I know what your feeling. Its not your fault you have those feelings. Impulsive family weirdos are entirely to blame. Laugh it off. Someone died. It was funny at the time . you are normal. Just would not recommend spending too long in negative feelings. Hopefully you can be on your own in the future. Maybe try to focus on the good time. An old man once told me our purpose in life is to do good and be creative. Just keep that in mind as you figure out your life.

[summerbreeze]

To me? It feels as if you are bone weary of 'feeling '...'pretending to care '....and 'following their road.'
I am that way too.
I wish to care about what I care about. Not be told what should matter.
I wish to feel what I feel when I feel it and not have to hide.
I wish to walk my own road after walking someone else's road for over 45 years.
I wish to live my life.
I am over saturated with being the football.....kicked around and then left in the ball bag.
This is MY take on this.....and this is MY life.....live your life according to your own wishes.
Be content within yourself.
How old are you? May I ask? Have you ever asked them to "stop "?
It 's not your fault. Remember that.
Mama

[awiseman]

It's hard to be depressed.

It's even harder when you beat yourself up for feeling what you're feeling.

...But if you're depressed, it's hard not to beat yourself up.

The thing that helped me the most was to "send happiness" to every person I talked to, every person I saw on television, and every person I thought about. I don't really believe I can "send happiness"... but the practice helped me think less about my problems and avoid the downward spiral of depression - guilt - depression - guilt.

.Andrew.

[allimsaying]

I dont believe you are as bad a person as you think you are Alastria. Depression tells us many lies about many things and the hard thing is how it seems so true to us. We seem to be predisposed to feeling rotten about ourselves, pick up on silent messages from others and turn and attack ourselves because of our perceptions about those messages.

It takes a lot of time to unravel what our twisted thinking has done to us and we need a lot of help with that. Someone loving, caring, patient and smart. A good therapist can help you and you're young so its good you're looking into this now.

Have you read any of the articles on depression here at PC?