[jean17]

Oh, how these demons, depression & anxiety, lurk about and jump out to rob us of any shred of happiness. I've been feeling okay the last few weeks after coming out of a suicidal episode in December. Then this morning I wake up with a warm feeling at my back like my pet dog or a kitty is lying there. It feels so good until I realize it's not true and I am alone. And then I remember that all the relationships I've had with men have ended (sometimes after years) with the realization that it's all been a lie. I have let them lie to me. I have chosen to believe, what my good sense has told me was a lie. I wanted so to keep the relationship. Now I am alone again, after another man has lied to me for two years. I am doing okay. I just regret and grieve over all the time, all the lies, all that I wasted, all the love that maybe I could have if I can ever learn how to see these men for what they are. What is it that blinds me? What is it that attracts me to them and them to me? I just want them to stay away from me. I am so sad, so lonely, so afraid. I feel that endless, empty, fearsome, dark pit.

[Sam2]

jean,
I can relate to your feelings. In my late twenties, I married a woman whom I had been dating for two years. Seven yours and one child later, we divorced. Those seven years were full of emotional abuse on her part, but I kept making excuses for the reason she was behaving the way she was. One day she would be downright viscious, then would cry and appologize the next day, only to do it again in three days or so. I felt that if I divorced her, I would have failed as a husband and father. That was fifteen years ago and I haven't dated since. I've had a few very nice, attractive women ask my business partner if I was married or would consider going out with them. After all the lies, emotional abuse and losing faith in my instincts, I just can't bring myself to start over. Its a horrible feeling to be betrayed like that.

If you don't already see a therapist, get one. There is a pattern that some women seem to fall into of being attracted to men who are abusive, unfaithful and mean. They no sooner get rid of one then they pick up another with the same traits. I saw this pattern in one of my aunts. She has been physically and emotionally abused, stalked and cheated on. Fortunately, she was able to break the cycle and is now with a man who treats her very well.

My concern would be that for some reason, perhaps subconsiously, you feel that you don't deserve to be happy or treated well. Neither is true. No one deserves to be abused, lied to and torn apart emotionally by someone they trusted and gave their heart to. Until you can find out why you feel this way, you will keep going after the men (I won't insult a jackass by calling that sort of man one), who are going to hurt you. You deserve someone who will return your love, guard your heart and see you for the beautiful person you are. As much as you don't want to be alone and want a man in your life, perhaps you should give think about finding the cause of your choices before starting another relationship. There is someone out there for you that won't treat you badly.

By the way, the pattern I spoke of is not confined to women, men are just less likely to admit it.

Sam2

[bharani1008]

I don't know why some women-me included- are attracted to abusive people---even friends can be abusive. For myself I am trying to connect with people who might need some support. Children or people on these forums. Thinking about others helps you not think about yourself. Plus you get to meet nice people who understand what you are going through. Just take a break from relationships and try to find other things you might like. And, I like the advice Sam2 gave you.
Good luck