[mulan]

What i hate the most is finding myself thinking about how bad i was.
The problem isn't being thinking about that, it's not have thinking while i was doing it.
It's not as i hate myself, i sometimes see myself as persons with skills, but i just have these faults which tend to balance me to the other side.
I'm not able to make somedody love me, people can't like or dislike me, they just ignore me, and i see the way everybody runs away from me. It's not that i really care about that, but when I imagine how my future will be, when i see university finalist with fotos of their happy moments with their caricatures with lots of inscriptions from other collegues (i don't know if you get it, but it is kind a tradition where I live), I just know i won't get nothing of that, because i don't have moments or friends. Perhaps what troubles me the most is realizing that the others, when the moment of true arrives, will look at me as i was an even more strange person. And i am, more strange that they will ever realize...
I'm afraid that all i am and i hate, or all I want to be doesn't get changed with a cure, and the person i am now be the real me. Or i don't have cure, i don't have depression, i just have some freaking mental illness wich i born with. Because the thing that makes me going on is the though that somewhere on the way i'll be an happy acomplished person. I guess i have been dreaming about that my entire life and i never figured out if i am good or bad, what belongs to me and what belongs to some disease.

[Leed]

Try not to over-analyze things so much. I'm sure you're a GOOD PERSON. I think right now you're just too worried about everything.

Mulan, not all of us can be the MOST popular people in the College. Some of us are perhaps shyer than others, or interested in other things besides social groups, or photo contests, etc. So don't compare yourself to others.

And don't over-analyze things either. Try to relax and ENJOY your life, Mulan. You aren't "strange." You're an individual!!

If you feel you are troubled, please see a therapist. It would be a good idea -- a therapist can help you sort things out and get you on the right track.

I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[CharactorAssassin]

Maybe you are looking into the past or future. Do we have the power to be present? I sometimes beat myself up over something I've said or done. Mistakes I've made. Note that this is all in the past so it exists only in your mind as thought forms and old photographs. Maybe check out Eckhart Tolle's book. "Practicing the Power of Now". Its a small one so it might not cost too much.

[dg1983]

Hi Mulan,

I can relate to you on that one...I've done bad things in my past, and they do come back at times to haunt me. Especially now that school is ending, I also feel I haven't had those connections or moments. I feel confused as well, because I am not sure who I really am sometimes, is my personality really the way I am with depression? Or is there someone else inside? I am sure you are a good person...you have the sensitivity and depth of feeling. The power of now which was suggested has also helped me in the past...this thread is reminding me to open it back up again and take a look.