[smearedblackink]

I'm wondering if others can breathe some insight into this situation. Thank you in advance.

Yesterday I was incredibly upset (long story, as it is for most) and was determined to commit suicide. After several hours of preparation, including sending a goodbye message to a close friend whom I had promised before that I would call her if I ever felt like that, when I went to actually commit the act, I started having racing thoughts of all of the positive things in my life and started bawling (rare, as I haven't cried in at least 4-5 years, let alone to that degree). I cried so hard that (in combination with my lack of sleep recently) I passed out and slept for a few hours.

I woke up to the police knocking on my door; the aforementioned friend saw the message and contacted police. Long story short, I was taken to the hospital, put on hold, and released in the morning (conditionally).

My first worry is that my friend (who is a psychologist, by the way--I am a trainee), who said she wants me to call her, but not until tomorrow, is so angry at me (for breaking my promise, for attempting suicide, for being a burden to her the past few weeks [she has never put it that way, but that's how I feel] that she is planning to end the friendship and never speak to me again. I worry that by default, but also because I worry that, because when the police arrived I was so daunted and scared that I tried to downplay everything, told her that I was just asking for attention or something to that effect, and that's what she thinks.

That is my second major worry--what are the police allowed to tell her? I told them they could call her and tell her I was picked up/stable (her request), but they didn't stay around to see what happened, so what did they likely say to her? Would they tell her I was faking or just trying to get attention?

I guess I feel very badly about how all this has affected everyone. On one hand I know I need help and I suppose this was a last ditch effort to get it, but on the other hand I worry that people will think I did this as the rational person they've come to know and care for, and subsequently not want anything to do with me anymore.

Thank you for your input.

[bharani1008]

It's just not possible for the non-depressed to imagine what our experience is. they think that it's just a matter of being more optimistic and stronger and more determined. It's so much more than than that.They cannot imagine the effort the incredible amount of energy it takes to breathe and act and be. I am appalled that one who is trained in the profession meant to help those of us who need support should be so not understanding.
I think you should find a professional who doesn't know you personally to talk to. Since you are in the profession yourself you will perhaps know of someone . You need someone to help you sort out the threads that have gotten so tangled up. It sounds like you may really have more hope than you thought. Maybe talking to someone objective will help you see where you want to go.
Also maybe your friend doesn't condemn you at all. Perhaps she's just upset also.
Are you seeing someone who can prescribe medication? Please do, it can make all the difference.
You sound like a lovely person-- bright and caring. I'm sure you would make a very good health care professional. You will understand.
Please keep posting. I will look for them. I want to know what happens OK?
Take care

[bharani1008]

I just wen to your first post to get to know you you a bit more.
I'm so sorry for all you've suffered. You are brave just to have survived. I hope with all my heart that you can get the help you need. Is there a transgender organization you can join? There is a special forum for those issues on this site. I am sure they can help sort out some of your issues.
I really do hope you get better.