[joker_girl]

I'm supposed to go to the counselor in a little while. I don't want to because I don't even want to move.

I've cancelled before because I've felt I'll or just was in too much pain. Today I have hurt so bad I didn't go to work. I've just cried so much. I'm all snotted up. I wish these cymbalta would do something. I've taken two aleve liquid gel caps and three Vicodin since I got up and it still hurts. I need to clean, my house is a mess, just looking at it makes me want to die. I have piles of laundry and crap everywhere, it is just a clutter mess. I need to comb my hair, its a mess, and find a bra. I haven't eaten since I don't know when, I'm so hungry my stomach feels like it is eating itself.

I need to go to the counselor because I'm crazy as hell today. I'm so tired of it. I wish it would just let up sometimes and give me a break. I hate it. I just wish I could have a day that didn't suck. I wish I could accomplish something. I am such a douche. I need to thaw out food to cook. I don't even know what to cook, I don't even care.

[Rohag]

I wish you well with the counselor, Joker_Girl. Try not to hide how badly you feel. (I meet with any type of doctor or counselor and the urge to be polite and positive automatically kicks it. I have to fight those urges.)

[Pierro]

Hi Joker, You are looking at too many things that has to be done, and thats daunting. One thing at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. You need to tell counselor how badly you feel, and how much it hurts. Dont be worried what he/she thinks of you. Let it all out, after all it to make YOU feel better. Best Wishes. Let us know how you got on.

[joker_girl]

I went to it, I ended up crying and I just feel like such a stupid piece of trash. We are trying to work on my nonexistent self esteem, depression, worry, etc. I just want to be normal and not have my knee hurt and not be so crazy and stuff. I am sick of taking pills and having to do all these things and I just wish I could be okay and not hurt and not be sad and crazy and be like a normal person. I wish I could escape some how.

I wish when I got out of college, I would of just moved far far away and got a job and a house and a dog and lived alone. That way other people wouldn't have to put up with me. And I could of kept everyone at a distance and not got involved with anyone and their mess. My husband and kids would of been better.

She asked if I am suicidal, which I am not, but I wouldn't so much mind if a truck hit me going about eighty. I won't ever admit to that again. I admitted one time to thinking about leaving the car running and taking a nap in it, and about got myself committed! I wouldn't do that anyways I would be scared someone else would get hurt or my dog would if it got into the house.

I don't really want to be dead, I just want to not hurt and not be crazy like I am.

I'm already in bed hoping my husband will just leave me alone and not try to talk to me or get me to eat. I feel bad for worrying him, but I just don't want to have to talk.

[Cocosurviving]

The things you described are all classic symptoms of depression. Your not a loser or a douche, you have a condition called depression. You mentioned Cymbalta and I'm assuming you recently started. I recently started Lamictal. We both have to start out on low doses and work our way up. I hope you don't have to many more weeks to wait. I'll be at full dosage in three weeks. Wait 6-8 weeks for a med to kick in is hell. Like you I don't feel like talking. I've skipped church for 4 weeks to avoid socializing. If you can try to get some sunlight. Make a to do list for cleaning your house. Then try to do one task pet day or one task every two days.

[gracez]

Hi JokerGirl,

I read your post earlier today just didn't have time to tell you that, but I've been thinking of you all day. I relate to a lot of what you said and have similar experiences. It's brave of you to go to your therapist anyway, great job for going even if you didn't feel it was super-productive. I don't have a therapist (though wish I did) & the few times I had opportunity to go to one I also thought it would be useless because I cry throughout the day, and indeed I did just cried the whole time I was there. It's so painful, I know it. I'm miserable & hopeless every day. Even if you don't want your husband & kids around you, I'm glad they're there. They love you, and that's wonderful. It's so hard to be around people when you're miserable. I don't have any friends where I am living now, so I am mostly on my own & don't seek people out. I also am not suicidal per se but find myself the past couple weeks what if I just got in a car accident. Thanks for bringing that up, I hadn't shared that with anyone yet. It scares me. I wish we could all escape & be free of this, but I don't know how. Believe me, I'd come and free you too if I knew. But in the meantime, I'm there for you.

Grace