I'm wondering if anyone besides me feels like they are hiding what's really going on with themselves in order to protect family, friends, etc.? This is a real dilemma for me. I have no family except my wife & she has none other than me. She's employed. I haven't worked in a dozen years as a result of a combination of mental & physical problems. She has allot of responsibility at work & is quite stressed out herself much of the time.

As a result, I feel like it is my duty to act "normal". I have major depression & anxiety disorder. I also have gender identity disorder. I share allot of the charactoristics that are generally considered to indicate BPD, although I've not been diagnosed with it.

My insides are roiling all of the time. I feel like a pressure cooker that is about to explode. But on the outside, I keep up this front of just being a nornal everyday sort of older guy. My wife knows I'm not. I've been hospitalized twice following major suicide attempts. But, as long as I'm willing to keep playing the role, she seems to be happy to let me. Often I wish I could just run off & be crazy! Thanks for reading my post!

[H3rmit]

What kind of crazy do you want to run off and be? Or do you not mean that literally? I mean is there any freedom you can get so you don't have to fake it so much? I had to fake it in my teaching job when I was single, and it was a killer. I felt so alone, but surrounded by faces.

[Ultra Darkness]

Yeah, I hide. My family doesn't need the stress.

[yellowfrog268]

Me too!

I do it because I sense that my husband would not be able to handle the full extent of my thoughts, depression, or the Asperger traits.

Originally Posted by H3rmit

What kind of crazy do you want to run off and be? Or do you not mean that literally? I mean is there any freedom you can get so you don't have to fake it so much? I had to fake it in my teaching job when I was single, and it was a killer. I felt so alone, but surrounded by faces.

Hi H3rmit: Thanks for responding to my post! I do mean literally crazy. But I don't know exactly what that entails. For many years now, I've had this sense that there is a part of me, somewhere in the no-man's land that lies between the conscious & subconscious minds where I am floridly insane... a part of me that, if it ever got lose might do who-knows-what. (I'm only a danger to myself though... I think!) It's sort of like a muffled scream that comes from somewhere deep within.

A little while ago I wrote a comment to someone else's post. This member had asked if anyone had created an inner imaginary character to whom they could talk. I said I had. I wrote about a literary fancy that I had dreamt up about my psychotic fraternal twin sister. I came up with this concept a bit over a year ago while participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month.) I imagined that I had a fraternal twin sister who never developed physically, but who exists with me mentally inside my male body. I imagined that she had been trapped within me for so many years that she is now psychotic & must be kept locked away for her own safety (& possibly for mine too.)

At first, this was, as I say, just a literary fancy. However, since I came up with the idea, she has become increasingly real for me. I am, & have always been, transgendered (gender identity dysphoria) as well as having major depression & anxiety. So, I kind of think of my "fraternal twin sister" as being another way of perceiving that part of me that feels completely insane.

I did have a therapist until recently. I talked with her about some of this. However it didn't change anything. I recently quit seeing her because, although I really liked her personally, our sessions just weren't accomplishing anything. They had just become like meeting a good friend over coffee. It became sort of like "rent-a-friend".

No. There is nowhere I can go to be my true self. In fact, although I'm not employed, I am the president of our townhome association this year. So this means I have to try to portray an even more competent persona.

I think I'm treading on dangerous ground here but did you and your doc or therapist ever contemplate that the life you're living or role you're playing now is not the real you?
There may not be craziness you're suppressing. It may be who you were meant to be.

Oh yes, I am the greatest actress ever...my family thinks I am "normal" and when I was employed, they had no idea what a freaking mess I was. I have slowly pushed away most of my "normal" friends so the ones I have left are the ones who are also depressed and taking meds for it, etc. But I don't let them in on most of how I really am feeling. My therapist and pdoc know, but I don't want anyone else in my world with me like this, because no one else would get it. So I smile and smile, even when I feel like throwing up instead...and no, everything is NOT ok.
So yes, I understand completely.

[wadingthruemotions]

Originally Posted by Bedobones

I'm wondering if anyone besides me feels like they are hiding what's really going on with themselves in order to protect family, friends, etc.? This is a real dilemma for me. I have no family except my wife & she has none other than me. She's employed. I haven't worked in a dozen years as a result of a combination of mental & physical problems. She has allot of responsibility at work & is quite stressed out herself much of the time.

As a result, I feel like it is my duty to act "normal". I have major depression & anxiety disorder. I also have gender identity disorder. I share allot of the charactoristics that are generally considered to indicate BPD, although I've not been diagnosed with it.

My insides are roiling all of the time. I feel like a pressure cooker that is about to explode. But on the outside, I keep up this front of just being a nornal everyday sort of older guy. My wife knows I'm not. I've been hospitalized twice following major suicide attempts. But, as long as I'm willing to keep playing the role, she seems to be happy to let me. Often I wish I could just run off & be crazy! Thanks for reading my post!

Absolutely.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Bedobones

A little while ago I wrote a comment to someone else's post. This member had asked if anyone had created an inner imaginary character to whom they could talk. I said I had. I wrote about a literary fancy that I had dreamt up about my psychotic fraternal twin sister. I came up with this concept a bit over a year ago while participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month.) I imagined that I had a fraternal twin sister who never developed physically, but who exists with me mentally inside my male body. I imagined that she had been trapped within me for so many years that she is now psychotic & must be kept locked away for her own safety (& possibly for mine too.)

At first, this was, as I say, just a literary fancy. However, since I came up with the idea, she has become increasingly real for me. I am, & have always been, transgendered (gender identity dysphoria) as well as having major depression & anxiety. So, I kind of think of my "fraternal twin sister" as being another way of perceiving that part of me that feels completely insane.
. . .
No. There is nowhere I can go to be my true self. In fact, although I'm not employed, I am the president of our townhome association this year. So this means I have to try to portray an even more competent persona.

I'm sorry you have no place to express or be your "insane" side. That seems sad to me. Everything you have described here (and there must be much more that hasn't been, as is the case with everyone on here I imagine) seems just fine to me. You seem very imaginative, expressive, with the heart of an artist. I can really relate to that, as that is the first thing I ever wanted to be. I like lots of weird stuff. I just don't like the art world - too much politics and social stuff that I don't get. The fraternal twin sister - well, you could still do something with it. Why not? Sometimes excavating our pain and "madness" helps understand it and connect with someone else in the world.

Does your wife know about the gender dysphoria? No need to reply if that was too personal a question for you. As I mentioned elsewhere, both my husband and I wished we had been born the opposite sex; then again, we accept whatever body we happen to exist in. It feels great to share it with that one person, even though no one else understands or cares. Somehow I feel there is so much locked in you that has been labeled bad or mad when it might not be. Does that make any sense to you? (Obviously you are the one and only judge of this.)

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

Yeah, I hide. My family doesn't need the stress.

Hello Ultra Darkness: Thanks for commenting on my post! May I ask what you do to relieve your stress?

Originally Posted by yellowfrog268

Me too!

I do it because I sense that my husband would not be able to handle the full extent of my thoughts, depression, or the Asperger traits.

Hello Yellowfrog: Thanks for commenting on my post! May I ask how you relieve the stress you must feel?

Originally Posted by George H.

I think I'm treading on dangerous ground here but did you and your doc or therapist ever contemplate that the life you're living or role you're playing now is not the real you?
There may not be craziness you're suppressing. It may be who you were meant to be.

Hello George: Thanks for commenting on my post! (There's no dangerous ground here... except for the patch I'm standing on. I think that may be a sink hole- LOL!)

Oh yes... actually the therapist I saw (whom I dearly loved, BTW) I chose because she was experienced in working with persons with gender issues. And yes, there is a large part of me that is exactly as you say... the result of suppressing who I have always felt like I really am... or should have been.

One of the great mysteries of my life is which came 1st. Did I start out having mental illness & develop transgender feelings as a part of that (BPD?) Or did I start out being transgendered & develop mental illness as a result? Of course, I'll never know the answer to that &, I guess at this late stage of my life, it really doesn't matter. But it would certainly be interesting to know! It is true though that both conditions have been with me since before I have any memories.

I'm on YouTube. And a while back several of us "trans" types did videos on the topic: "The Day I Discovered that Transition Was Possible." I created a playlist of these videos. My video is included in that playlist should you wish to take a look. My user name on YouTube is Naonunai.

The problem, at this point, (& this goes back to my original post regarding hiding) is that I can't allow myself to do anything about any of this except take meds & see a therapist. Neither my wife nor I have any family. So were I to run off & become the "crazy old tranny" that I feel myself to be inside, I would destroy my wife's remaining years & leave her totally alone in the world. I can't do that. And yet, every day, I wonder how much longer I can keep up this facade. Sometimes it feels like I just can't take it another minute. At those times suicide starts to sound like a good option. (I've tried it twice already.)

My wife is totally devoted to me. (I can't imagine why.) But, as long as I am willing to play the "normal role", she's content to oblige. And, truth be told, I've been playing the "normal role" for so many years, that sometimes I wonder if I could really do anythng else. I'm actually rather good at it. I've had years & years of practice. I'm actually quite embarrassed by all of this. Thanks so much for reading my posts!

Originally Posted by sorta_fairytale

Oh yes, I am the greatest actress ever...my family thinks I am "normal" and when I was employed, they had no idea what a freaking mess I was. I have slowly pushed away most of my "normal" friends so the ones I have left are the ones who are also depressed and taking meds for it, etc. But I don't let them in on most of how I really am feeling. My therapist and pdoc know, but I don't want anyone else in my world with me like this, because no one else would get it. So I smile and smile, even when I feel like throwing up instead...and no, everything is NOT ok.
So yes, I understand completely.

Hello Sorta_fairytale: So, may I ask how you deal with the stress of keeping everything bottled up? I surmise that you are still not employed. I haven't been employed for a dozen years as a result of my mental & physical problems. Sometimes I think that not having a job is part of the problem. At other times I'm convinced that the only reason I'm still sane at all is because I don't have to cope with holding down a job. For me, constantly having to work at acting "normal" is incredibly stressful & tiring. It makes me "snappish" & always feeling worn to a frazzle.

Originally Posted by H3rmit

I'm sorry you have no place to express or be your "insane" side. That seems sad to me. Everything you have described here (and there must be much more that hasn't been, as is the case with everyone on here I imagine) seems just fine to me. You seem very imaginative, expressive, with the heart of an artist. I can really relate to that, as that is the first thing I ever wanted to be. I like lots of weird stuff. I just don't like the art world - too much politics and social stuff that I don't get. The fraternal twin sister - well, you could still do something with it. Why not? Sometimes excavating our pain and "madness" helps understand it and connect with someone else in the world.

Does your wife know about the gender dysphoria? No need to reply if that was too personal a question for you. As I mentioned elsewhere, both my husband and I wished we had been born the opposite sex; then again, we accept whatever body we happen to exist in. It feels great to share it with that one person, even though no one else understands or cares. Somehow I feel there is so much locked in you that has been labeled bad or mad when it might not be. Does that make any sense to you? (Obviously you are the one and only judge of this.)

Good morning (afternoon or evening) H3rmit: Yes, I have been contemplating having another go at NaNoWriMo this November & trying to develop the "my psychic twin" concept into a novel. I did my 1st NaNo project in 2011 (November). I started out with good intentions in 2012 too. But I just couldn't get interested. I just do it for fun. I don't ever expect to publish anything. So, if I'm not having fun, then I don't do it. I'll just have to see where my head is at this coming November.

Yes, my wife does know about my trans issues, although I only "spilled the beans" a little over a year ago at the time of my last major suicide attempt. Prior to that, it was a closely guarded secret. No one knew. Even now, the only people who know are my wife, my former therapist & my pdoc ... oh & internet friends who have watched some of my videos on YouTube.

A while back several of us trans types did videos on the topic: "The Day I Discovered that Transition Was Possible." I created a playlist of these videos. Mine is among them. You can see it if you're interested. My YouTube user name Is: Naonunai.

Yes, you're spot on with regard to my having so much bottled up inside. I grew up at a time, & with a family, where you didn't talk about problems either outside of the home, or inside either really. And seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist would have been considered shocking! It just wasn't done. So I learned very early in life to keep my personal problems to myself. I still have great difficulty with this in "real life".

Thanks for the detailed answer. You said that your wife knows about this...at least to some degree. I didn't mean to suggest you need to leave your wife in order to be who you really are. You may be able to do this with her cooperation.
Have you ever talked with her about letting more of your true self be expressed?

Originally Posted by George H.

Thanks for the detailed answer. You said that your wife knows about this...at least to some degree. I didn't mean to suggest you need to leave your wife in order to be who you really are. You may be able to do this with her cooperation.
Have you ever talked with her about letting more of your true self be expressed?

Hi George: No, I didn't think you were suggesting that I might need to leave my wife. I take it for granted that this is the only way that this could happen. So I guess I just skip to that whenever I "talk" about my situation.

My former therapist encouraged me to do some things to feminize my appearance as a way to feel less "dysphoric". So I did begin to do this. I used to keep my hair cut quite short & now I've let it grow out to some extent, although certainly there are lots of other men whose hair is still longer than mine. I've also acquired some jewelry: either specifically men's or unisex, and I've done a few other things.

My wife has been accepting of these efforts & has even been helpful here & there! A while ago, when I was still seeing my therapist she & my wife met, with my blessing, to "compare notes", so to speak. Later, my therapist told me that my wife had said she felt she could accept anything up to, but not including full transition. (Personally, I'm not so sure that is true. I think the reality would be much tougher for her to accept than she realizes.) But, anyhow, that's what she said.

One of the things that I've always been concerned about is that, whatever I did along these lines, it would never be enough. If I did one thing, I'd want to do the next, etc. So far, this has become the reality. Each thing I do, feels nice. But it also leaves me just wanting to go on to the next thing. There's simply no end to it. And I know that long before I would reach the point of full transition, I would cross a line beyond which my wife simply could not go. (I don't blame her. I'm not sure I could either.) And well before I reached that line, she would begin to feel major discomfort with what I was doing. She probably would say that this is not the case. But we've been married for over 30 years. I know her. And furthermore, I don't know (& I'm sure she doesn't know) where that line is; and wouldn't until I had crossed it. So it is all very complicated.

P.S. Two other things that I should mention, I guess: one is that this whole dysphoria thing, & transitioning from male to female, is not something I "want" to do in the sense that, say, one might want to buy a new car. I feel compelled to do it. And I might want to do it because it is known to be the only treatment available for gender dysphoria. But absolutely, I would rather have not been saddled with this condition to begin with. The other thing is that I have other conditions, including my mental illness, that could make transition at this point in my life even more challenging than it would be anyway.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Bedobones

My wife has been accepting of these efforts & has even been helpful here & there! A while ago, when I was still seeing my therapist she & my wife met, with my blessing, to "compare notes", so to speak. Later, my therapist told me that my wife had said she felt she could accept anything up to, but not including full transition. (Personally, I'm not so sure that is true. I think the reality would be much tougher for her to accept than she realizes.)
...
P.S. Two other things that I should mention, I guess: one is that this whole dysphoria thing, & transitioning from male to female, is not something I "want" to do in the sense that, say, one might want to buy a new car. I feel compelled to do it. And I might want to do it because it is known to be the only treatment available for gender dysphoria. But absolutely, I would rather have not been saddled with this condition to begin with. The other thing is that I have other conditions, including my mental illness, that could make transition at this point in my life even more challenging than it would be anyway.

Of course you know that even making the full change with surgery and all doesn't always make people happy. I knew someone for whom that was the case. And is such surgery even possible at your age? Maybe that doesn't matter. Your wife sounds great and with good communication I bet things can improve for you at least somewhat. Also good communication is its own reward, but maybe that's me.

I'm glad you can talk about this safely here, even though you're sometimes embarrassed.

Here's something embarrassing - have you ever imagined being the or a woman while you're having sex with your wife? No pressure to answer, just something to think about. I'm not curious - just wanted to put that idea out there.

If you can't read that, you can always change the text characteristics in a quote and then cancel the reply before saving it.

Originally Posted by Bedobones

So, if I'm not having fun, then I don't do it. I'll just have to see where my head is at this coming November.
...
Yes, my wife does know about my trans issues, although I only "spilled the beans" a little over a year ago at the time of my last major suicide attempt. Prior to that, it was a closely guarded secret. No one knew. Even now, the only people who know are my wife, my former therapist & my pdoc ... oh & internet friends who have watched some of my videos on YouTube.
...
I learned very early in life to keep my personal problems to myself. I still have great difficulty with this in "real life".

I'm happy to read these things. You are having fun, and feeling out where your head is at. You are coming out of a dark and edgy time, your attempt. Now you are growing, and that is wonderful, freeing up some, even tentatively. You are taking care of you.

[bharani1008]

I can relate to your hiding very well I have ALWAYS hidden and probably always will. There is no one in my life that I trust with that information. I can't afford to give anyone that much power. Unfortunately in my experience people are struggling so hard themselves that they just can't take on anyone else.
Please don't go insane. I've been there and it is a worse hell than depression and anxiety. Find another therapist, chat here on PC where there are forums for each of your concerns----but you know that already!!
Even though it seems impersonal a little bit here on the internet, you will find true soulmates here where we are all struggling and helping each other with issues we Share! How can anyone else understand? No amount of imagination can inform people who are not in our situation. That's another reason I don't rely on people in my life. It's not their fault. They're not being mean. It is just too heavy a burden to give to another. It's not a burden here. We all share each others load and it goes easier.
So post here to your hearts content and know you will always have a sympathetic ear.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Of course you know that even making the full change with surgery and all doesn't always make people happy. I knew someone for whom that was the case. And is such surgery even possible at your age? Maybe that doesn't matter. Your wife sounds great and with good communication I bet things can improve for you at least somewhat. Also good communication is its own reward, but maybe that's me.

I'm glad you can talk about this safely here, even though you're sometimes embarrassed.

Here's something embarrassing - have you ever imagined being the or a woman while you're having sex with your wife? No pressure to answer, just something to think about. I'm not curious - just wanted to put that idea out there.

If you can't read that, you can always change the text characteristics in a quote and then cancel the reply before saving it.


I'm happy to read these things. You are having fun, and feeling out where your head is at. You are coming out of a dark and edgy time, your attempt. Now you are growing, and that is wonderful, freeing up some, even tentatively. You are taking care of you.

Hello H3rmit: About surgery: yes I guess it is possible to do this even at my advanced age (LOL!) I read about a person who was in her late 70's or 80's who did. There was even a picture of her in the book! But I have no intention of going there...

One of the things that I have said to various trans people, whom I have come to know on YouTube, is that I always wanted the full female experience. There is a sense in which transition, for me, would feel like a consolation prize. It is the only known treatment for gender dysphoria at the present time. So, if I were young today, I might do it. But not now.

I have also said many times (& I've heard other men who have the same condition say) that if they had known what impact not transitioning would have on their lives, they'd have done it years ago. But back when we were young there was little or no information available on the subject & we all just grew up feeling weird & somewhat perverted. It's still not easy. But it's better than it was back in the day.

And, yes, I do have some fun now & again always laced with ennui. But things are not as bad as they probably sound... not that they couldn't be... but I do work at not letting things get too far out of hand. And, of course, there are the psych med's which help.

I hope you're having a good day! Thanks so much for keeping in touch!

Originally Posted by bharani1008

I can relate to your hiding very well I have ALWAYS hidden and probably always will. There is no one in my life that I trust with that information. I can't afford to give anyone that much power. Unfortunately in my experience people are struggling so hard themselves that they just can't take on anyone else.
Please don't go insane. I've been there and it is a worse hell than depression and anxiety. Find another therapist, chat here on PC where there are forums for each of your concerns----but you know that already!!
Even though it seems impersonal a little bit here on the internet, you will find true soulmates here where we are all struggling and helping each other with issues we Share! How can anyone else understand? No amount of imagination can inform people who are not in our situation. That's another reason I don't rely on people in my life. It's not their fault. They're not being mean. It is just too heavy a burden to give to another. It's not a burden here. We all share each others load and it goes easier.
So post here to your hearts content and know you will always have a sympathetic ear.

Hello Bharani: No... I don't expect that I will actually go insane (although sometimes I wonder!) It is true though that I have sort of been there as well for a short time. But that's another story. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it I seem to have an infinite tolerance for self-imposed mental anguish. No matter how lost & desperate I may feel on the inside I always seem to be able to carry on, on the outside. It's not always pretty... but I get by.

I do think about finding another therapist... but I've been through so many. And the one I just quit was by far & away the best of the lot. The problem is that, at this stage in my life, there simply aren't any changes of any consequence that I can make in my life without throwing the whole thing into disarray. I don't know how therapy is done where you live, of course, but where I live, it's all based on the assumption that the past is gone & one just needs to move on. So therapists are only interested in what changes you can make in your life to improve your outlook going forward.

Once you reach your mid-60's, where I am, your options narrow dramatically. And this is, in part, due simply to what you would yourself be able to tolerate. I myself no longer have the drive or the energy to go through any major life changes. I can tinker around the edges, so to speak. But the bulk of my life is pretty much settled at this point, barring something unforeseen.

And, yes, I absolutely agree with you regarding PC. I'm so glad that I found it! It is such a relief to be able to share all of this with people who understand & are willing to listen. I've been on YouTube for a couple of years now & I've made some good internet friends there. But, realistically, they're only willing or able to listen to so much of this before they begin to turn off. I can't blame them. They simply can't understand what it's like. So I plan to be hangin' around on PC for a long time!

Thanks for commenting!

[Ultra Darkness]

Originally Posted by Bedobones

Hello Ultra Darkness: Thanks for commenting on my post! May I ask what you do to relieve your stress?

Beating on bad guys in video games usually helps! Unless I'm not doing well, in which case it makes things worse.
Writing is actually my best stress-reliever. On a good day I can fill 6-9 notebook pages (or about 1500-2500 words).

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

Beating on bad guys in video games usually helps! Unless I'm not doing well, in which case it makes things worse.
Writing is actually my best stress-reliever. On a good day I can fill 6-9 notebook pages (or about 1500-2500 words).

Wow! You should check out NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). It's like a marathon for writers. The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel (or other type of book) in 30 days during November. No prize money for the winner... mostly just bragging rights for those who finish. But it can be great fun!

[Ultra Darkness]

Originally Posted by Bedobones

Wow! You should check out NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). It's like a marathon for writers. The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel (or other type of book) in 30 days during November. No prize money for the winner... mostly just bragging rights for those who finish. But it can be great fun!

Heh, cool! Let's see, at an average of 2,000 words a day... 30 days... I bet I could do that! Of course, I do all my writing by hand, so I'd have to count the words myself.

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

Heh, cool! Let's see, at an average of 2,000 words a day... 30 days... I bet I could do that! Of course, I do all my writing by hand, so I'd have to count the words myself.

I think there is some provision for that. I don't know what it is because I did my writing on the computer.