I feel like if I could just accept what has been happening in my life and get over the feelings of abandonment, abuse, and loving the wrong people I would not be feeling so down.
I don't post a lot here so no one really knows me.. I just started to feel better and then I got feeling quite down. I have been diagnosed in the past as bipolar, don't know which type. But I have always had more depression and anxiety.
It helps to come here and I need support from others. This could also go in the relationship forum I guess. Its going to sound pathetic, but that's what I think I am being at the moment. I met my husband about 19 years ago. We were married for a long time. He and I both made too many mistakes, but we have a son together. Here's where I sound mixed up. He was abusive to mostly me, and somewhat to our son. It was first cheating, then verbally, then physically. I admit I wasn't perfect but I was not cheating and did not deserve that kind of treatment.
I decided it was really over last summer but tried again to make it work. He always apologized, and said he was sorry. But about 3 months ago, he became so verbally abusive and was obviously lying to me about seeing other women. I know I'm nuts to have stayed with him so long, and gone back to him after he hit me and called me such horrible disgusting names that I can not repeat on here.
But I continue to blame myself for not having tried harder, for not having done this or that, and now I realize I am alone, and I also have some big health problems and our son has learning disabilities.
I don't know what I'm asking for, but maybe some one out there will read this, and please tell me to stop feeling like going back to a man that clearly showed he did not love me. I don't know what is wrong with me. Other than having him as my main friend (I was very isolated) for so long, and so much time spent together, and he will always be my sons dad. We don't talk at all for 3 months because I charged him with telephone harassment and its still in the process. Of course it was way worse than him calling too much, I just never charged him for the things that were worse, because he threatened me not to do that again.
Okay, actually thinking about what I'm saying is putting it in perspective. I don't know why I am still hurting, why do I still care? He is moving on with another woman and it bothers me??
I feel depressed because I am alone with our child, and he is not paying support, not even picking our son up, and I am left alone with all the responsibility.
Just give me a wake up call please, thanks

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by kelly4519

...actually thinking about what I'm saying is putting it in perspective.

Super! Keep thinking about what you are saying and try not to worry about "being pathetic." My impression is that your reactions and feelings are not far from those experienced by many who have suffered abuse. PC Survivors of Abuse Forum

Various forces brought and kept you together. Perhaps find a degree of relief in analyzing and understanding the past. Use what helps you can to that end.

[bharani1008]

Oh my--- been there done that. It's amazing how far we go to hang on to a relationship. It's amazing how easily we are made to feel that the abuse is our fault. It's amazing that we continue to love. I have no other reason than biology in general. Women have a double whammy against us. We have hormones that make us attach to sexual partners that men don't have. We need protection due to the child bearing. We live in a patriarchal society which marginalizes or contributions to society.
That said----we have each other. Women help each other. There is support to be had with issues like this. There are women's shelters and support groups. There are so many forums here. You are so not alone. There are so many to share your history and your struggle with.
There is no excuse for your husbands behavior. What he does is wrong wrong wrong. You have every right to be free of him and get a good life for yourself and your son. Join a church, join a support group, get some advice from a professional. Take control by becoming independent. It still is hard to cope with sadness and feelings of abandonment but taking action will help you distance yourself little by little and you will find your attention shifts to the positive ways you are moving forward and less to the past.
Bless your heart honey and keep posting

[lostinbooks]

I admire you for being able to share this. I don't know what it is about domestic abuse that shames the victim so much, but there it is. I've even lied to my therapist about it. I understand why you keep going back. I think it's stupid, but I get it. I've done the same thing. I would advise you to let go, don't go back. Maybe one day I will take my own advice. *sigh*