Hollow

It may be partly because I just ran out of one of my anti-depressants, or because I've stopped putting off the inevitable realization that I'm empty and that my existence is pointless. I knew I would feel this way as soon as I graduated from college with my final degree and really wish I wouldn't have had to live to see this day. It could also be because I may stupid promises to people that caused me to move back to my hometown for most of the summer. I hate this place. I can't emphasize how much I hate this place. The only good thing about it is that a house is better than an apartment and I've at least made a little bit of money since I got back. I have no motivation to go back and do what I went to school for as I got so burned out working harder than necessary and being taken advantage of. I'm sick and tired of not getting paid when other people are getting hundreds to thousands of dollars doing the same thing.

It's depressing me more that I feel like I can't be inspired by anything but money (or at least a commission of some sort), but I really can't. I'm tired of my life and all my efforts being pointless.

And even better: I REALLY don't want to do anything else. I'd rather cease to exist.

I just wish I could move back...but then I'd be completely alone and lost instead of alone and lost around other people. I don't even know what I'm doing this fall...for work, for housing, for food. Or how I'm going to sleep, because I can't really sleep as it is.

I don't know what I want from this post...I have no one to talk to in real life. Even my psychiatrist thinks I'm doing fantastic! And it's not that I've lied, I'm just really good at acting. No one is going to believe me that anything is wrong or they'll just blame me for feeling this way. I always feel like a horrible person if I express how I feel about something and even worse when I can't pretend that something doesn't upset me/make me sad etc.

How am I going to get a job without motivation...knowing that I won't be making money doing what I want to do because unlike other people apparently I don't deserve to get paid?

I'm only happy in fantasy worlds...not real ones. I feel empty and hollow.

Thinking of you. It sounds like you need your antidepressant. One time I accidentally forgot to take my Zoloft for a week and I plummeted into a deep depression. I hope that things look up for you soon. Try and remember that depression will go away at some point. I know you feel like you are in a deep black hole that you can't get out of - at least that is how I have felt. Get yourself to a pdoc or an ER, even, if you are suicidal. Thinking of you. After you are feeling better, you can take baby steps to work through employment, your move, etc. Take care and keep us posted. You are not alone!

Hi there.
Sorry you are having such a bad time.
I don't know what kind of promises you made to the people back home, but if it involved moving back and working in the community, that does't always work out. If you don't want to be where you are, then tell the people you promised that you cannot follow through.

If you have a therapist already, you need to tell him that you aren't doing well. In my experience with therapists, which has been to many for my liking, it is fairly easy to convince them that you are ok. Its not exactly a lie, but in a way it is. They have to rely on what you say, your body language, how you react to questions etc. but that is all they have to go on.

Getting out of college can be a traumatic event for some people. Some deal with it by going back to graduate school, which some would call "professional students", some get jobs in thier field and some just finished their degree so they wouldn't have quit something else in their life, but somewhere along the way, realized that they really didn't want to be what they were studying to be. There is no law stating that you have to work in the field in which you were trained. I know a lady who has a degree in forestry, but works in computers. She never did anything in forestry after graduating.

It does sound like you need to see your therapist to get a new perscription of your anti=dipressent. Its not a good idea to go off those things cold turkey. You may experience withdrawl from some and that just isn't worth it. You can't make any good decisions until you can get your mind to cooperate.

I do understand your frustration at seeing others in your field making money hand over fist while you struggle. When I graduated, I made a decent living for three years. After that, I was hit hard by a pain condition, and now, as I make under the poverty level, people two years behind me are making a hundred thousand or so.

Seriously, have a talk with your therapist and tell him that you are in trouble and don't know where to go from here. You already know that you have a problem that requires medication, and that is coloring your thoughts right now because you are off your meds. Graduation, even though you didn't think you would live that long, is a major accomplishment and not one that everyone has. You shouldn't just sit there and suffer. You don't deserve to be "punished" by depression or anything else for that matter. For now, don't worry about what you will do next year or the year after that. Get yourself back into therapy and be frankly honest with your therapist Maybe your therapist can help you work through many of these problems.

Sam2

Some places are just toxic to us. It might help you cheer up a bit if you research nice places to live. Just take it like another fantasy. Imagine what you would do for work if you could do anything you want. Then see if it's possible to bring those fantasy's to life.
You really aren't trapped. You have an education and you really don't have to live up to others expectations. If they care for you they will understand. You can reassure them that you will stay in contact.
I know it's tough starting in a new place. Maybe you could get involved with groups that share your interests or social views.
Get your meds straightened out. It's hard to think clearly with your meds messed up. Big time!
Good luck. I hope you feel better soon.

The point is that I'm already taking an anti-depressant...it's just sad that I have to take TWO. Especially when I'm on the fence about whether medication actually does anything or not and if depression comes from something "fixable" by medication.

And if depression goes away at some point, then why have I been depressed to various degrees for 15 years? I honestly don't believe that it just goes away.

Fortunately, I didn't promise I would move back permanently, just help out over the summer.

I've already dealt with graduation with graduate school...I've graduated from that too. It's not like I don't want to do what I went to school for, as I certainly don't want to do anything else, I'm just quite disillusioned from being used.

I don't have a therapist. They always make me feel worse and I don't feel open-minded enough to give another one a chance.

I was planning to move back to where I lived when I went to school...that was a nice place. I'm just in a toxic place right now because I had promised to help people over the summer. My old (non-traditional) job hasn't been filled in the last two years with anyone that worked out and they're just using temporary people and it's really hurting them...as much as I would like to stay to help them permanently, I just can't.

I have to call and get a prescription (probably several at some point) transferred to another state, then transferred back in another couple of months...I just don't feel like it.