[1119993]

It's always been difficult to talk to people, so i never really have. So this may seem like a jumble of words, but i will do my best to explain. For the past 6 years i have been fighting with depression, as well as some other illnesses. At one point, i went to a counselor, but for some reason, i couldnt let myself tell the truth. The fight has been a rollercoaster, but lately, its just bad. I knew i needed to fix something because if i dont, i will lose everything. I lost the ability to control myself under pressure, i pick off my skin, il grab anything i can to inflict some type of pain. I've never really understood why, maybe because its something i can control directly in a time where everything seems so chaotic. I usually with have suicidal thoughts every few hours or so. At one point, i called it quits. I immediately fell on the floor, started to convulse, and then blacked out. Since that time i have made 2 more attempts, each failing (obviously). Ive been losing control lately, im miserable, everyone sees that im miserable. My girlfriend, i can tell, is starting to resent the person i am. I cant help but feel hopeless when everything around me is burning to the ground. I would like to be happy, there is nothing else that i would ever want. Im stuck before the first step.

[glok]

Welcome, 1119993. I posted these in another thread. I hope they are of some help in pushing you to get the treatment you need.

Psychotherapy - Psych Central
How to Engage in Meaningful, Successful Psychotherapy - Wellsphere
5 Things Not to Worry About in Therapy | World of Psychology
6 Ways to Open Up and Talk in Therapy | World of Psychology

[Altered Moment]

Welcome to PC. Posting here what you did is a big start.

[Frankbtl]

Hi 1119993, it must have taken a lot for you to have posted what you did, so really well done, and thankyou for sharing with us!!
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. It's not just a choice to feel like you do, it's not just you "letting yourself" feel that way but there can be help out there.
Perhaps you could see a counselor again, that was a really good move you made initially seeing one, but maybe this time have a think about the things that were stopping you from telling the truth. There are plenty of very understandable reasons why people feel they can't open up about what's going on for them e.g. they're scared of what people will think or the way they will be treated, they think other people wouldn't understand anyway, they don't know where or how to begin...........but often when those thoughts/feelings are challenged it can moreso point to the depression itself stopping them from getting the help they need (whatever that help is).
And I'd say you've got some real good insight in reaching out now, while things are this bad before they get worse and about the SI too. So you know you deserve some help?!!
And as for the girlfriend, well sometimes depression can have you believing such negative things about yourself and believing that other people are thinking similar things too when that may not be the case. Either way though don't let your girlfriend put you off getting more help with this.
Still you've come to a good place for support with what you're going through, you'll find a lot of really understanding and supportive people on here, so keep on talking we're here for you.
And while it may be a good idea to see a doctor and a counselor we can still be right here to support you through that process.
So, welcome to PC!!!
Alison

[kaliope]

hi 1119993
welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Wren_]

hi, i'm very glad you found PC and hope being here helps you ... including helping you to be more open with what is going on for you ...
I know you mentioned the problems with the earlier counselor but maybe it would be worth trying someone else and seeing if they can be more help?