[Nobodyandnothing]

I accepted an invite to a small dinner party this Saturday, June 8, with old colleagues and their partners to celebrate the future marriage of one of the couples. These colleagues were my best friends for more than 15 years but because of my MDD and other issues, I lost my job and I have not seen them for more than 5 years. I am not the same person they knew. I was somebody then- smart, intelligent, strong. That person died and left a fat, ugly, stupid blob in its place. I miss these former colleagues terribly but I do not want them to see me like this. I can't go to the dinner but I do not want to be offensive. What should I do? I am terrified that if I go I will break down crying. Heck, I am sobbing now.

There is so much more that I have never told anyone. I have never been able to explain myself to anyone, not the pdoc, T or H. The pain is excruciating.

[LadyShadow]

I know what that is like. I have had several offers for several weddings of friends over the years and couldn't face them. I feel the same way you do about it. I never went because I feel the same way. In place of the skinny beautiful vibrant woman they knew, Im a fat ugly slob of a mess now.

I can't tell you what to do, but know that you're not alone. I feel the exact same way about myself

[unaluna]

Omg how are you still in touch with them after 5 years? Just call tomorrow and make an excuse. Or not. You could go. Is somebody cooking? Were they depending on you to bring something? Why do you think they invited you?

[Nobodyandnothing]

I know it does not make sense, but I worked with these people for a long time. We were all very close. We wnnt to each other's weddings, shared pregnancies, motherhood and fatherhood, attended each other's parents funerals, and so one. They are all wonderful. I truly believe I was invited because we do have a friend who is getting married out of state and they thought I would want to celebrate with them.

These people have been out of my life because I shut them out. They did not desert me. Like I said, I did not and do not want them to see what I have become.

ps. I was their boss and they were the hardest working, dedicated pgroup I have ever worked with.

[Nobodyandnothing]

I went to the dinner party. It was like we all had never been apart. Everyone was so nice but I teared up several times and had to leave when the tears turned to sobs. I am so embarassed. I am a fat ugly loser. I never want to leave my house again.

I will not bother you all anymore. And whoever asked, yes, depression does hurt tremendously.