[AshleyDodge]

My name is Ashley, I am 19 years old and there is a possibility that I have been suffering from severe depression since I was 7 years of age. Due to situations beyond my control and the fact my family has a history of the illness it was prominent by the time I was 13 that I was suffering from depression. The fact that I had been abused by my father, in more ways than one, added to the known realization he was the one in my family that suffered from it as well, I did not want to admit to myself that I was like him in yet another way than by having him been my sperm donor. It finally took me until the winter of my 18th year that I realized and admitted to myself that I needed help.
I had previously been involved with countless therapists and they always said that I was a normal teenage girl…but in all actuality I was just too intelligent for them to decode and figure out. I went through at least 4 Freudians who I always managed to change the direction of the conversation without even noticing I was doing so. When I finally did admit that I needed help I had hit the lowest low ever imaginable, no I was not suicidal as I view that is a weak person’s way out of their responsibilities of life.
One night, I was in one of my holes and I couldn’t find a way out, so I took my hat and knife and I walked to the trailer park down the street in which one of my closest friends live in. The entire way I held the knife in my hand and I can clearly remember me wishing someone to walk near me so I can finally release the pain and violence that had built up inside me on someone else. The moment I made it to the trailer, I handed my friend the knife and told her to keep it away from me until I got the help I needed.
When I went to the doctors they did a blood test along with asking me about my past and it turned out the level of serotonin in my blood was in an imbalance and they put me on Zoloft in March. Since then I have only had one break down and that was in April while I was still adjusting to the medication. As of now I have been able to deal with changing of educational situation, economic situation, as well as the death of a good friend of mine by vehicular manslaughter. This medication has been a savior in my mind as it has finally allowed me to live the life I only had glimpses of while I was suffering with the problem. I originally didn’t want to be like my father, and then it was because I did not want to rely on medication for the rest of my life, but now I am glad that I am on the pills.

[DaveyJones]

Wow, Ashley...that's quite a story. I'm so glad that nothing bad happened that night, not just for someone else, but for you, too.

You've taken some really huge steps to get out of your hole, I think it's great. Medication isn't the whole answer, unfortunately. Continuing therapy, a healthy lifestyle and goals to work on are all keys to getting better.

I hope you continue your recovery...you may want to find a support group through NAMI www.nami.org or DBSA www.DBSAlliance.org. I have found them to be extremely helpful in many ways--it's nice to meet opthers who share common problems.

Good luck!
DJ

[Sarah116]

Depression is not one of my big things (Not diagnosis wise knowledgeable, experience interest study wise) but I do want to welcome and let you know you can to a good place with great and wonderful people!

[AshleyDodge]

Thank you, and I will be sure to look into those websites. I am actually living my life again like I did when I was 5 and looked foreward to living the next day and what ever adventures it would bring to me. I used to only spend time outside if I had a track meet or what not, but now I find that I can't get enough of being outside (unless it's overly hot like it normally is in Texas). I have even started to love the feel of rain landing on my skin again.

To me, it is as if I am starting a new life, as if I am starting all over again and I know that this is how I want to live the rest of my life.

[Flinty]

Ashley,

You sound like a very strong & determined person and I applude you for that!!

It sounds to me as if you are starting to live your life, as if since taking this medication your eyes are finally open & you are looking at things that most of us take for granted (eg - the rain) for the first time!!

Congrats & keep up the good work!!

Flinty

[goldmaiden]

Oh you poor thing. Keep posting here, it should be able to help you deal with some things.

[drunksunflower]

Hey Ashley

I hope the research you told me in chat that you were here to do is going well.



The only thing I would say is that there are many people here who have been sad enough to commit suicide, and it's probably not appropriate to term such a thing 'weak' on a website like this.

Good luck

[AshleyDodge]

As I have said before, I am not here for research. I am here to help people as much as I possibly can.

[drunksunflower]

I'm absolutely sure you said in chat you were here for research.

I'm sure you have cleared that with the moderators

[AshleyDodge]

I said that I had went to the main website for research and that i was on this message board to help those who are going through events in their life that were similar to what I have been through.

[drunksunflower]

Mmmmm

[AshleyDodge]

Look I know it sounds farfetched, but that is the truth as to what I am doing. If I was indeed conducting research I would not do it some place online where people can embelish the truth, as I would rather see what is going on with my own eyes rather than read.