[Bubata]

Hi everyone,
I am 22 from an Eastern European country, and this is my first time ever in a chat room. I've had problems with depression and feeling trapped in my life since my early teenage years. I started experimenting a lot with drugs and alcohol, going to clubs and discos, I've been a smoker ever since I was 14. But over here people aren't so strict and parents aren't so worried, so it was never an issue. Ever since those days I've wanted to get out on my own away from my parents, be able to earn my own money instead of relying on my father, and move out so I don't have to be close to my controlling and over-involved mother. Ever since I can remember they just decided what was good for me and sooner or later they forced it on me, but since I always screw up everything I start, it was easy for them to just wait for me to fail and say: now it's time to do it our way, if they didn't agree with my choices, obviously, they didn't help me. And the thing is, I am so used to them helping me that I don't know how to stand on my own 2 feet. My father never let me work and my mother mostly supported him, so, to this day I have never had a job, first I was too young, than I went to school in the USA, and wasn't allowed to work under immigration law, and after that, I came back home and for a year now I've been doing nothing. The minute I got home, expelled from college ( my dream school, place and life) my father registered me in a university here to study law, which I didn't want, but he did me a huge favor- he brought my boyfriend from the states back home with me to live and be with me , so I had to give in, because my father was and still is, fully supporting us. I passed the two exams and got in the part time law program. It's been a year I've passed 4 out of 8 exams and I don't even care. Meanwhile my boyfriend who, I love very much changed. He started getting more and more violent and threatening, he even raped me one one occasion, I assume the stress of being in the middle of nowhere and the helplessness he feels have something to do with the change. After a quarrel in which he broke my ipad, he promised to find a job or work for my father to pay it off, he never did and when I finally asked him if he was going to do it already, he shot me down completely saying that he wasn't going to work for 20 dollars a hour (he has no higher education, so he can't do better than that over here). His jealousy has now gotten to a point that I can't go out on my own or talk to anyone he is not sure is no treat, he is even jealous of girls, so I can't have a real life outside of him, I can't even go out with my girl friends because I might see a guy somewhere, lead alone have a job he doesn't approve of, or school he has a problem with... I talked to my father about sending him away he is just waiting for my okay, but I am not sure. I am worried because without my boyfriend here I cannot get out of my country. My parents are already sick of my expenses and they will not support me going anywhere outside my home country. I dreamed of going to the states and there I was the happiest I've ever been, but I got involved with my boyfriend we got really involved and 6 months later I moved in with him, than he lost his job because he couldnt stay away from me for long and i ended up supporting him and lying to my parents about it, in another 3 months I was pregnant, hanging by a tread in school because of my numerous absences, because I had no money for the commute from the new place. I had an abortion, and enrolled in summer school to try and save my visa... I was warned that any absence will be crucial to my reinstatement going trough, but one day, two weeks in the program, we had a fight and he refused to let me out of the house, so I lost my visa and knew I was going back.. I didn't want to lose him after everything we had been trough, so we decided( it was my idea) to come back to my country together. The plan was to immigrate to a country that we both liked, somewhere in Europe, later on, we chose spain, but since than we are both unsure... He lost his residency because of me, and due to some problems with the law he won't have a chance to ever go back to US. So... I damaged everyone's life, completely destroyed mine, and lost the life I had dreamed about so much... What do you think I should do? Any comment, answer, opinion, advise or criticism is welcome, please respond.

[optimize990h]

Hello, Bubata.



I hope you get feedback from PC members, but while you are waiting for members responding to your post, here are some links that may lead you to answers to your situation.

Relationships & Communication - Forums at Psych Central
Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central
Steps to Better Self-Esteem - Forums at Psych Central
Grief and Loss - Forums at Psych Central
Coping with Emotions - Forums at Psych Central
Women-Focused Support - Forums at Psych Central
School and Study Issues - Forums at Psych Central

You need to see a therapist to help you develop a therapeutic treatment plan to reach achievable goals. The feedback you may receive from members here will help you work with the therapist. The feedback may help you create a list of priorities and work on the goals of each priority. I hope you find a more hopeful outlook as more information and feedback come to you.

[Sam2]

HI. I'm sorry I don't know more about Eastern European culture, but there are some glaring problems there that cross cultures.

If your boyfriend is abusive, its time to get out of that relationship. Rape is not a crime of sex, its a crime of violence, and he had no right to take what wasn't his. Sooner or later, you are going to get badly hurt if he continues his violence. It is not your responsibility to take care of him whether he moved to be with you or not. You are both adults, and he needs to take responsibility for his actions. If you have a hotline for abuse or a women's shelter, call or visit and talk to someone about the problem.

The problem with your parents is difficult. We are told to respect our parents, but when you are an adult, you need to make your own decisions. If law is not what you want to get into, you shouldn't have to. I understand the feeling of "owing" them for all the money they have given you. Because of some chronic dibilitating pain issues, I've had to go to my own parents for "loans" because I can't work enough to pay my bills, and I'm fifty. It does make you feel like you have to make up for it by any means possible. Still, you are an adult and need to make your own decisions and form your own life.

Is there a friend with whom you can co rent a small apartment with? I'm guessing the job market isn't that great right now, but even a job you aren't crazy about might get you out from under your parent's rule. It may not pay for your own aparment, but with one or two room mates, you might be able to do it. At some point, you need to break away. Consider getting some counselling as well so that you can learn how to handle your parents.

It seems to me, that right now your boyfriend is the most threatening thing and should be taken care of first. You aren't safe with him no matter how much you think you owe him. He didn't have to move for you. That was his choice. Don't wind up in the hospital from a beating. Domestic abuse is not that uncommon, and you aren't the only one in that situation. He may say he is sorry and will never do it again, but don't fall for it. You should not have to live in fear. Please get help before he does something worse.

Sam2

[Bubata]

Thank you so much for your response, I'm taking care of the boyfriend situation, and thanks to your advice with my parents help, I'm sending him back home... About everything else.. I'm trying to find a job, get some money together and distancing myself from my family, for now, at least I have a game plan, I found a therapist who works at a non-profit organization and will work with me to resolve my issues. All in all I am very grateful, I needed someone from the outside to give me an honest and unbies opinion, so that i can decide on the right way to go. Thanks again