Yes, No, Maybe???

Hi all,
I am new here, but can already see how caring all of you are. I have been having MAJOR problems with severe depressive episodes the past 3 years. Mutliple hospitalizations exceeding 10, many medication adjustment/changes, ECTs. Both my parents are deceased, my daughters father is as well. My sons father is in another state, just not caring. I am starting to ponder the thought very seriously as to the welfare and well being of my children. I am NOT abusive or neglectful. I just can't be there, even when I am. My son could probably go live with his father, but my daughter would have to be "placed" in care. Kids are young 8 and 10, and require 24/7 attention. I can't provide that for myself, and unfortunately can't for them either. Yes, I am still in a major depression, but should I consider giving them up? Or just hope and pray that after 39 years of life, I will magically get "better" and become a capable parent.

Hi, Dee...welcome to PC!

I'm sorry to hear of your terrible situation. I was treated for depression for almost 10 years with no relief until they began treating me for bipolar instead which has been a major breakthrough for me.

Unfortunately, in the meantime, I have basically lost everything...jobs (too many to count), family, house, reputation, you name it, its pretty much gone. I at least had the comfort of knowing that my kids are with my ex and are being cared for well.

I can't tell you whether or not you should give up your kids. What I can tell you is that since I moved back home (Mom) away from them, there is a GIANT hole there that never goes away. I think about my girls every minute of every day. It is hard to raise kids when you are hounded by depression, but I know that often it was the joy and innocence that kids bring that kept me going from day to day.

I guess the only consideration really is what is best for your kids? Will they be better off being separated from you and one another? Your boy would do ok with his dad I imagine, but your daughter...I just don't know.

I know this hasn't been any help, but know that I am thinking of you and your kids...I hope that you can find your way through this.

DJ

You children are school aged so an option may be some services the school can offer you to help things. the school psychologist will also know of community services that can also help you.

The DHS agency here when I became depressed and suicidal has a temporary foster care program where the children are in care for up to a year so that the parents can get things together mentally. With their help my son and I were able to jump to the top of all the waiting lists and get into individual and family therapy. the catch is that here in this state you only have a year, after that the temporary placement become permanent. Also If you go that route beware though foster care system is not ideal. My son came home with what I was told was reactive attachment disorder. We now know he isn't RAD he most likely has schizophrenia so even if he hadn't gone into foster care he would have eventually become as unstable as he is. But it didn't help matters him seeing me go over the edge. He now has PTSD in part from my becoming and acting depressed and suicidal in front of him.

Only you can decide if you should give up your children and at the very least it might help for you to discuss your options with a therapist that way if you do give them up you are not making the decision in the heat of the moment but have looked at all sides of the problem and options. Good luck.

Hey, I am really sorry to hear about the situation that you are in. There are some ways that you might be able to go about getting help for your kids without giving them up. You can go to the department of Family Services and if you quialify for being low income and all that good stuff they will assist you with having someone come in the home to help you clean, help you cook meals for your family. Also help you to find some one to come take the kids for a couple of hours a day so that you can get a break from all the stress. You can also go to a therapist as well and they will be able to help you in more ways. So just keep asking and keep bugging for the help. It is out there and they will be able to do these things for you. Hang in there. The last thing you will want to do is to give them up. So really just hang in there. *hugs*

Keep your children if you can...they are your joy even though you are depressed...as long as they are doing okay in school...if son truly wants to go with dad I guess it is okay...I am rooting for you...and hope that whatever you decide you know that it is because you love your children!!!

hi, i spoke to you in chat b4.
you have such a struggle, would be so easy to give up, but we should never do so. step back, work out what is the best thing you can do, look at your options and try and see what makes a positive outcome. your sons father whos moved away, what kind of terms are you on with him right now? do you speak or is he just bad?

Thanks for all the very informative and caring replies. I have talked with my therapist several times. Recently, he told me that I always think of giving up on the children when I am severely depressed. He said I always recover and return to being an attentive and caring mother. But my question is, is it fair for the kids to be on a never ending rollercoaster?

Thats the thing the children don't necessarily have to be on that roller coaster. With the right medications and or therapy and or depression management classes a person with depression can live a depression free life.

Theres no cure for depression but if the person knows their personal early warning system then they can take care of the problems BEFORE the children even realize the parent's depression started kicking and and was taken care of.

I have depression and many times I would crash. The last time resulted in my child being put in foster care because it was so bad.

I was put on medication. and while I was on medication I also participated in therapy and took depression management classes. After three years on medication it was decided jointly with my physician to try going medication free and having med checks or rather in my case lack of meds check every three months. While I was off medication I used the coping tools that I learned in depression management classes - keeping a depression log using the class's depression inventory paper and also keeping track of my early warning system. An early warning system is those little symptoms that add up and get stronger as the person sinks into their depression.

When my early warning system told me I was heading into a depression right then and there I pulled out my depression management folder and started taking care of the problems. and if even with what I was doing didn't help My emergency plan includes notifying my physician that I have begun to slip downwards nand join up with the depression management group.

By doing the depression management class tools I did not slip down any further, But I did let my therapist know that in the winter I do slip downwards and I was stable right at that moment.

last winter even though I was at depressions door so to speack not one of the children that I take care of knew or even sensed anything wrong.

As long as I do my depression management of doing my daily depression log I can catch my depression at the door. I don't have to wait until I am in full crash and the children that I take care of get affected by my having depression.

Depression is not curable but it can be maintained and I know many many parents with depression raising very happy non effected children. and the reason the children are not affected is because they take care of their symptoms BEFORE they crash.

you can locate depression management classes by contacting your area's mental health agencies and crisis centers.

You don't have to give your kids up and your kids don't have to be on that depression rollercoaster and YOU don't have to be on the roller coaster either.

While your kids are in school you can be doing your therapy and classes so they won't even have to know you are experiencing a problem to begin with. The only way they will know is if you say - "Im seeing my therapist today" or "Im going to my depression class today" and by doing all your stuff while they are in school and using what you learned when you are with them they will have no idea that you have depression.