[bluefish27]

Hi all. Thank you in advance for reading this.
I'm writing this post out of sheer desperation, I won't lie.
I've struggled with depression probably all of my life, looking back now. But I'm 28 and I just can't cope anymore. It's done farrr too much damage and I'm turning into something I never imagined or wanted to be. I'm sure we've all felt that way. Anyway, the biggest thing I wanted to talk about is my ability to function. I've struggled with that for a very long time, but its just ridiculous now. I'm on day 9 without showering...sure I've washed up in between then...but I look at the shower everyday and it feels as if its the hardest thing in the world to do. I won't even eat unless I can basically just open it and eat it, even the microwave looks daunting in the amount of energy it would require. And I love to cook...when I'm not tired or down...which is almost never now. All of this sounds insane, even to me. How did I get to this place and how in the heck am I going to get out. I have no idea. I was on Zoloft for 3 years and it did nothing. I was on Welbutrin mixed with two mood stabilizers and an anti anxiety medicine, for over a year. Still nothing. I'm just taking St John's Wort right now...which obviously isn't helping as well. If I had insurance and wasn't so bad off financially I would run to the doctors right now but its not an option. The last time I was at the state run mental health clinic, I was told there wasn't anything else they could give me that would be any different than the Welbutrin, Lithium etc. What do I do ? My life is wasting away. I'm wasting away. Every relationship I have is suffering majorly. My dream is to wake up feeling rested and energized, curl my hair and put on lipstick(oh yea shower too :-) Walk outside feeling the sun on my face and looking forward to my day at a decent job. Have friends and go out, actually answer the phone if someone calls me. Etc. You get the point....to live my life even just as a normal humble person...it feels like heaven.

[Little Lulu]

Just one idea - take it or leave it. Pick one of the things you said you wish you could do - take a shower, walk outside and get some sunshine on your face, put some lipstick on - and do it today, even if you don't feel like it. And let go of any expectation of how it will make you feel. Just do it. And do the same thing tomorrow. And the next day.

There is an idea in psychology that 'feelings follow actions'. I was in a hole such as you describe a number of years ago (depressed, anxious, non-functional, thinking of suicide) and that is how I got out ... one day at a time of doing things I didn't feel like doing.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step".
Lao Tzu

[ThisWayOut]

Little lulu has a good idea there.
I would also like to shame the state system for giving up so fast... that wouldn't be florida (specifically Henderson) would it? (they did the same for me recently)...
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I wish I had more hope or advice. I was going to suggest trying other meds, but if you can;t get them, then I see little point in suggesting that. There are other classes of meds than just the two mentioned (and part of my foggy brain wants to say those were both the same class, but I'm probably wrong). There are also different med combinations they can try. I personally hate medications, but they are a good first line of treatment, especially when coupled with therapy. Are you seeing a therapist? Would you qualify for adjunct services (in-home services or case-management, or something like that) to help you get out of the funk enough to be able to work on getting out completely?
As Little Lulu said, sometimes it's doing the littlest things that you don;t think you have the energy for, and just keep doing them. Eventually you notice a change and the little things become easier because they have become habit. From there, you can move on to more little things, and eventually (gasp!) bigger things
I totally feel you on wishing I could live a normal life. I'm close to your age, and finding I have nothing to offer right now. This morning is a bit better, so I'm bit more articulate and hopeful right now. Most of the time however, I feel like a lump of so much doggie-doo... and it sucks. Most meds make me worse, so my struggle is to find someone willing to prescribe just prn anxiety and sleep meds while pushing me in the right direction for treatment. I have no insurance, no money, no job, and very few friends. But I have been lucky enough to find a small group of people willing to bend over backwards to help me get the right kind of help... this particular state system really sucks however, and resources are VERY limited.
Anyway, I'm rambling. sorry...

[Rohag]

So much has happened to you in the past several years that I'm not surprised you are in this state. Were I you, I seriously doubt I'd be doing any better.

I believe you will need some kind of practical assistance to get to any type of a better place. The state mental health system has "dismissed" you. Have you told your story to anyone else reachable through 2-1-1 (United Way / AIRS)?

[leenaa45]

I've been through same thing for years. I know how you feel. No money, no job and few friends. Maybe I don't add anything new from Little Lulu and MdngtRain, but it's true. Doing a smallest thing, anything as long as it makes you move your body, can make big change. I used to spend most my day in bed, but then one day I decided to feel the sun in the morning and it helps. try to do something you feel comfortable, maybe doing an abstract art. I still feel down now and then, but I keep fight it.

There is plenty more you can do.

70% of depressed people cannot manufacture the enzymes in the stomach that metabolize folic acid (vitamin B9) into folate that can cross the blood-brain barrier to manufacture serotonin (the "good feeling neurotransmitter"). Only a genetic test can determine that, but if your psychiatrist is like mine, he/she will put you on a food med called "Deplin" (which is a concentrated form of Vitamin B9 which can cross the blood-brain barrier and provide greater serotonin to the brain). There's no need to undergo the genetic test, since, if the medication works for you, you'll know that you need it. (It's considered a food med, so there are virtually no side effects, and it's covered my most insurance programs.)

I take a 20 mg tablet once daily and get along just fine with that. It's about
$15.00 per month in the area I live in.

You may be what is called "medication resistant". I know of one person who is also med resistant and she uses Deplin very effectively.

After that, I'd suggest that you see your personal physician and ask for some blood work to be done to check all your vitamin levels. Psychotropic medications can drain the vitamin stores of the system, and you need to replace those as well as get your fluids and tissues in a more alkaline state. There are ways to do that, but for starters, I'd suggest that you ask about Deplin and get the blood work done.

Your psychiatrist should not be giving up; you need a doctor who is equipped
with nutrition expertise as well as medication expertise.

Never give up; there are solutions out there for you. We'll help all that we
are able to after you get the work done to determine what the situation really is for you.

Take care and sleep well. Sleep is so important for us all.

[bluefish27]

Thank you all for your advice and support. You all had good points. Just being with you all helps in renewing my courage to fight. I send my best wishes and love to you all.