going in circles, do i want to stay so depressed?

I feel like I'm going in circles. I want to get better, i want to be able to feel yet i don't. I can't complain ever to my friends cuz it's my own fault I'm so rock bottom. At least that's what they would say since I'm not yet willing to attempt another t. As much as i want to feel better, i don't want to apparently since otherwise i would go to a t. I still want to stay depressed and all. So do i want to stay so crazy depressed? I don't know what to make of these contradictory thoughts.
has others felt this way? Should i just ignore my yearning for the depression to soften since i also don't want it to?

it is not unusual to get 'stuck.' it doesn't mean you don't want to improve your mental state, but you do need to do something different so you can get better. when you are depressed, it can be hard to be optimistic that anything will work, and it can take a lot of effort not to give up and sink back down into it. I've spent so much time down on myself but it's easy to forget the effect depression has on your ability to see things clearly at times. it's not your fault if you are discouraged, but don't give up!!! keep trying and keep learning about your condition, that is what has kept me going, in addition to all the great people here who understand exactly where I am going from.

As odd as it sounds, for many people depression gets to be their normal. It's hard to let go of it, because it is what you know and it is comforting. I definitely have my moments like that, that I want to keep the sadness because it is what I know.