[autumnleaves]

Hello,

I'm posting because I've had a significantly negative and, in my opinion, unjust experience with university officials and supervisors regarding my mental health diagnoses.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD resulting from childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by a sibling along with an adult experience of sexual assault, as well as Major Depressive Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I also suffer from intermittent, but severe bouts of insomnia.

Let me be clear: when I am suffering from a major depressive episode my symptoms are very severe. Symptoms include serious suicidal ideation and planning, sometimes self-harming, participating in risky behaviors, feeling tired all of the time, ceasing to accomplish anything (including necessary and simple tasks such as brushing teeth or leaving my apartment), struggling to fall asleep (often resulting in fewer than 15 hours of sleep in an entire week), forgetting/failing to drink water or eat (this once resulted in an ER visit), isolation, difficulty concentrating, and chronic physical pain. In addition, I am sometimes affected by PTSD symptoms as well which also diminish my ability to fall asleep and stay asleep due to disturbing nightmares or near-hallucinations of people intending to harm me or sounds of people coming into my home. I also suffer from chronic physical illness, including sciatica, scoliosis, arthritis, TMJ, and a birth defect in my lumbar vertebrae that causes back pain. Anxiety often arises and causes adrenaline rushes and a general feeling of dread in my daily life when symptoms are not in control.

In January of this year, I had begun student teaching to complete the last coursework of my degree program as an education major before graduation. At this time, I was fully symptomatic, by no purposeful actions on my part. There were days that I would go to work (my student teaching placement) for about eight hours having only slept for two hours and not having eaten for a few days, yet I would still arrive on time, try my very best to both appear healthy, and put as much effort as possible into accomplishing my work goals. In this period of time, I suffered a sexual assault perpetrated by a man whom I had been spending time with and also came to the personal realization that I had been in love with my female best friend who had left to serve as a missionary for 18 months after a falling out between she and I. I also came out to myself as bisexual. I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which is decidedly opposed to gay rights and equal rights, to phrase it mildly. I had very little support and almost no friends and my medication had ceased to provide therapeutic benefit. I suffered from stress induced chronic illnesses including back pain, body aches, migraines, fatigue, nine bouts of tonsillitis in four months, and various flus and colds. For all of these illnesses and symptoms, I sought professional assistance. I attended both individual and group therapy, chiropractic adjustments, and episodic appointments with a nurse practitioner who was familiar with my case. For three weeks, I attempted to fulfill my requirements at work, only to be met with harsh criticism and humiliation. I concede that I was not at optimal performance and that my boss could not have known the personal problems I was suffering from and so perceived my poor performance as lack of effort or lack of expertise. Finally, after coming very close to ending my life, attending a crisis intervention appointment at my university counseling center, and making a safety plan to avoid committing suicide, I decided that I could not perform well enough in student teaching to provide a fair education to the students or to learn as much as I needed to learn through the process in my current state. I feel that this decision was made in good judgement and was a mature conclusion at which to have arrived. However, my withdrawal from student teaching was treated in the exact manner that a dismissal or termination of student teaching is treated, in the sense that I was told that I would have to appeal my reasons for ending student teaching and present a case with which to persuade my supervisors to grant me a second student teaching placement the next spring. I was subjected to a lengthy appeal process in which I was decidedly made to feel as if I had done something irresponsible or was inexpert in my field, even though my advisors and supervisors were aware of my mental health diagnoses and of my symptoms. When the date of my appeal arrived, I presented an oral presentation of the rest, treatment, and consideration that had gone into my choice to withdraw as well as my recuperation efforts and process. I also presented documentation provided with signatures from the university counseling center, my personal therapist, and my nurse practitioner with details of my treatment and my progress, including my various diagnoses. The verdict was made that because I had shown a lack of "passion" in my professional disposition and work that I would have to provide evidence of my competence by completing a regimen of coursework and research as determined by the very same supervisors who had initiated the disciplinary process in the first place.

I feel that this was extremely unfair. I had nearly come to terms with the conditions of my reinstatement and the verdict of the appeal when I recently heard the story of another student who had had difficulty in student teaching. This student was in the same program that I am attempting to complete. He was assigned to a teacher who did not understand the teaching philosophy taught at my university, and after a period of time dismissed the student from student teaching. This student provided evidence of his execution and planning of lessons, which had been in accordance with the standards of my university and its philosophy. The members of his appeal board determined that because the difficulty of his situation arouse by no fault of this student, that he would not only be granted another placement without requirement of additional coursework, but would also be given a scholarship with which to finance his tuition for the coming semester. I feel that both his and my difficulties in student teaching were caused by no faults of our own. We both suffered for reasons beyond our control. We both made extreme effort in order to ameliorate the issues that presented. However, he was treated with far more dignity and justice than I.

My questions, finally, are these: Are you of the opinion that discrimination due to mental illness was perpetrated against me, as I am? Do you hold the opinion that there is something that I should have done, practically, in order to heal or control symptoms of my disorders and illnesses that I did not do? Is there a legal process that you know of through which I could appeal or protest the findings and actions of my university's officials involved in this matter?

Thank you all!
autumnleaves

P.S. I should add that I had previously been in excellent standing in my university, held leadership positions, held paying jobs as a teacher, and that the appeal board for the other student was composed of the exact individuals who were present at my appeal.

Sounds unfair to me!

[Perna]

Jobs and schools, any organization hires "at will" meaning they get to decide how to run their business. I think, since your school gave you a choice of secondary exercises to to do to show you want and have what to takes to be a teacher, I would do that if that's what you want, or not.

You cannot just quit a job for illness; they need someone to do that job and if you are not able for any reason to do it, then that cannot be the job for you. It is unfortunate that you are/were ill but that cannot be their problem; they have a business to run.

It does sound unfair but unless you can appeal the previous decision and use the example of the other student I'm not sure it's healthy to focus on that. If there is a civil rights group on campus or anywhere close by I think you should speak to them and get an opinion on any possible legal recourse.
And no I don't think there is anything you did wrong and this is not your fault in any way. I hope you don't mind but I have to say that I admire you for hanging in there and accomplishing so much under so much duress.

[unaluna]

What it looks like to me: in business they talk a lot about "having your ducks in a row". It seems to me that your colleague had his ducks in a row but his professor scattered them, so the university is taking responsibility for the professor's bad behavior kind of, but they are still making the colleague arrange the ducks in a row again, which still kinda stinks.

As for you, your ducks ran wild kinda from the beginning. They never saw you get them in a row the first time, so it is reasonable in their minds that they dont know if you can line them up or not, compared to the other guy who already did it once. They are not judging your whys or wherefores here. Do you see the difference this way?

[autumnleaves]

Thank you all for your replies; I appreciate them so much!

Hankster: I don't see it that way, primarily for the reason that I had provided significant evidence of my competence in completing all of the necessary field experience and coursework under their supervision, prior to any of this trouble.

Perna: I completely understand and agree that if an employee or student is not completing required work in a satisfactory manner, that they should not be allowed to continue or finish their endeavors. However, I acknowledged my inability to achieve the goal early on in the process and withdrew, rather than wait to be dismissed. I provided significant evidence that since the time of the withdrawal to the time of the appeal (2 months) that I had made extraordinary effort to ameliorate and eliminate the problems at hand. My ability as an educator should never have come into question, imo, since it was compromised by circumstances out of my control. In addition, I asked for a placement that would begin a full year from the time of my first attempt, giving me even more time to heal and recuperate.

That said, I very much appreciate your input and would like to hear more, if you want to respond.

[unaluna]

You both had shown you could put ducks in order, or else you wouldn't have been given these last set of ducks. You private life interfered with the completion of your tasks. You need to show you can complete the tasks without your private life interfering. The state will eventually be giving you a license. That's a big deal. I know you probably wanted to hear from perna, not me, but you dont have to answer if you dont find this relevant! Good luck!

Well, I see it differently from the rest of the posts.

I think it was a judgmental error that you made initially in trying to go ahead with
student teaching. You should have notified (ahead of time) the person who was
in charge of student teachers and arranged to re-schedule you for a later time.

Part of teaching is judgmental capacity because you are working with younger
people who need help.

In your case, you needed therapy for some time before you began your effort to student
teach, and you really must be on your toes in student teaching.

In my view, your best effort would be to talk to a lawyer, get his opinion and then
do what he suggests. He may oversee your second attempt at student teaching
which would probably guarantee your success if there were prejudicial judgments
made by the department head in Student Teaching. Usually, I think the effort is
to get graduates out there in the field and know that they are equipped to do a
job well. (Even at that, new teachers learn so much their first year of teaching.)

I feel for you and know it must be extremely painful. You'll feel much better after
you talk to an attorney. And, in fact, it would have been a good idea had you
spoken to an attorney at the time you were scheduled to appear for practice teaching.
I know: it's always 20/20 in hindsight. But your cognition may easily have been
affected by the depression. and you had needed therapy for sometime before being
scheduled for supervised teaching.

Did you have at any time a thought that you needed therapy? Or that the situation
could be risky considering your physical shape? There you would need a psychiatrist's
opinion.

We're talking about a possible lifetime career here, aren't we?

You're going to not only have to "talk the talk" the second go around, you're going to
have to "walk the walk", and you know what I mean.

Take heart; I think you'll make a great teacher. You're obviously intelligent and
probably have excellent records except for his one mistake.

[autumnleaves]

Genetic: I'm actually a woman, I appreciate greatly your input. While some of it is not easy to hear, I acknowledge that it is a valid point of view, and could be accurate. It seems like you may have experience in the field. I want to say that I had been in therapy for over 2 years when I entered student teaching. The reason that I became symptomatic was because I was severely triggered by a traumatic event.

[autumnleaves]

In other words, I did not anticipate this level of distress until just before it began after said traumatic event. I was also already being checked out regularly by my NP, chiropractor, psychiatrist, dentist, therapist, and was already in group therapy to process my sexual assault and sexual abuse issues.

Well, those things alone would have put most of us in the hospital, frankly. I'm so sorry
this has happened to you. I hope the police got the man who dared to attack you.

I do have years of teaching experience, and I have great sympathy for you.

I had to be tough on you because the second time around you've got to be virtually perfect
in your presentation as a young teacher. I wanted to make sure you understood the
seriousness of the mistake so that you'll be prepared fully the next time you get your
chance to "perform" for the supervisor of student teaching.

You have so much potential; you are so intelligent, and this depression you have
can be corrected. We'll help all we can when you feel you need some more information
about diet changes, etc., after your therapist has released you. I'm very pleased
to know that you have been seeing a therapist; that's going to be very beneficial
for your career, too, in helping you understand the emotions of young students.

I do want you to make it the second round because I think you have so much potential.
And good teachers are needed in the systems more than ever with such high populations of young people coming into the educational systems.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by autumnleaves

The verdict was made that because I had shown a lack of "passion" in my professional disposition and work that I would have to provide evidence of my competence by completing a regimen of coursework and research as determined by the very same supervisors who had initiated the disciplinary process in the first place.

I don't think whether you started and personally decided to withdraw or were unable to continue in the middle and were withdrawn by others really matters and an evaluator's opinion that you lack passion is their opinion which, as alleged "experts" they have but it is still just an opinion. You chose that school to go to and those experts to teach you so you are subject to their evaluation.

I would be glad it is the same supervisors; I'd want to show them how much I have healed and would be happy to tear through their regimen of coursework and research so they and I would both know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am ready, willing, and able to perform up to the highest standards.

If the student could decide when to "not play", that would make a mockery of reality? There are many students who don't try very hard, want a "do over" because of various personal reasons, etc. You are not one of them but there's really no way for others to know for sure unless you do your oral presentation and then jump through their other learning hoops.

Perhaps you accented the illness and lined up your "I was really ill!" experts a bit more than your "I really wanted to continue" and "She's really anxious to get back to teaching" ones, I don't know but something was not quite enough for someone so they have given you the opportunity to literally show your passion to get back in there by doing something additional to prove it (instead of just talking about it?). Think of it like when you use to be allowed to do a book report to get your grade a bit higher so you could get the "A" instead of the "B"?