Why do I even try

I just mess everything up. I have been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend lately and my mom has been sort of feeling unwanted so I decided to take her out to lunch, it was horrible, the place we were going to go was closed, she started telling me how stupid I was how I never think anything through and all the way home she was muttering about how I wasted her time. Now she's walking around the house and with any little thing that happens even if I had no part of it, she glares at me and mutters stuff. I hate it, nothing I ever do is good enough I can't do anything right even my best intentions go wrong. I should stop even trying.
Kendra

Hello chippie. It does NOT sound like you mess everything up. IMO your mother seems to be laying very unfair negativity on you. maybe she is depressed and can only see the negative in things.

it was so thoughtful of you to offer to take your mother to lunch. she says it wasted her time but it was your time too, time that you thoughtfully chose to spend with her and then she turned it into an unpleasant experience.

i don't know how she can say you didn't think things through. if the restaurant was closed i'm sure it was unexpected and having a restaurant closed at lunchtime is an unusual occurance that one would not expect. when i, and i think most people, go to an informal restaurant for lunch or even dinner we hop in the car and go, we don't call ahead to make sure that it is going to be open, call the traffic department to see if any of the roads are closed, call the gas station to make sure they are open so we have enough gas to get to the restaurant and back. expecting a restaurant to be open for lunch is a reasonable thing and not something most people would "plan ahead" for.

and anyway it shouldn't have mattered that the restaurant was closed. you still took the time to go to the restaurant with her. and wasn't spending time with her the point? i think you wanted to go there for some "together time" not solely for food, and you did get that together time, too bad she won't or is unable to appreciate it.

try not to let her comments or name calling get to you. they are unfair comments and are hurtful to you. i hope you can work things out with her so you can have a better future with her.

chippie, do you suffer from depression? are you getting treatment? this is something i think you should discuss with your therapist if you have one, and it may be beneficial for you mom to attend therapy too, alone or with you, although she might refuse that option. at the very least if you are in treatment alone it can help you realize that this is something bugging her and has nothing to do with you, your intellegence, or your thoughtfullness, which you seem to have in abundance.

good luck.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

Gee, that is too bad that you are subjected to such a miserable person, I would try to stay clear of her and do not let her try to manipulate you, (I know moms have that special craft) you had a lovely intention, and sound like a really good soul, don't let her rob you of feeling happy.
I do not know your age or circumstances, but if you live home but are old enough to try to get your own place, do so before she robs all your spirit, life is too short to be miserable (I know, I've been there) try to enjoy your time with those that respect and treat you as you treat them. Let mom go "mutter" alone. . .you, go out and have a good time with a friend or just treat yourself to quiet time
Don't feel, "why do I even try", you did a lovely thing, it wasn't your fault the place was closed, it happens.
Maybe your mom has issues she needs to address, has she ever been in therapy?
You may even mention that you spend time more with your boyfriend cause he is more fun and a joy to be with, her feeling of being unwanted is truly brought on by herself and her unpleasant ways. I do not know your relationship with her, but if you are able to, tell her just what you said here and if she is going to talk and treat you in that manner as she did, it is best you and her see even less of each other.
If none of what I said doesn't apply, being that I do not know you, just "scrap" this. I get so angry when I hear of such ungratefulness, even if it is coming from the adult. . .parent.
I only have one child (young man) who is 17 y.o., I appreciate anything he does, and praise him, not excessively but when he does something nice. . . I love the kid
You take care of yourself, try to let this pass and learn from it, she insists on being miserable then let mom, stay alone and miserable, but do not allow her to suck you into her gloomy world.

(((((((((((((((( Chippie )))))))))))))))))

DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

I agree with the others...

you sound like someone who is really trying to do right... I just wanted to remind you that this type of reaction (your mom's) is all about HER--not you. This is HER problem, not yours.

There is a natural desire to have a good relationship with our moms. As long as we honor ourselves, then we are free to be the best child to our parents that we can be.

When we are little children, we don't make those choices, in fact we don't even know there are choices. Now, as adults, we do --and must-- make choices that are in OUR best interest.

Try to keep reminding yourself in times like these that this is HER problem, not yours. It isn't about you, what type of person you are etc, but about HER and what kind of person she is.

PS I have had very similar experiences. It took a long time in therapy for me to realize that some things just "happen" and it wasn't MY fault, say, if the restaurant wasn't open, or the meal wasn't very good etc. NO ONE has to be at fault. NO ONE has to be blamed.

<font color=green>...I can misspeak like the best of us</font color=green>

Thank's everyone, I try not to let her get to me but sometimes it'll just get me at a vunerable time. I have thought about seeing a someone about depression but haven't gotten up the nerve or really know where to begin. I tried Going to the councilers at school but they won't really talk to you unless it's about a transefer or something like that, the ones at my school have a reputation for giving the worst advice anyway.
Kendra

The counselor at school isn't supposed to treat depression. They should have referred you to therapy. Aren't you in college? There should be a counseling center where they have treatment available. Most colleges have that, anyway. That sounds confusing - let me try it again. School counselors are not supposed to be treating depression - they should refer you to a mental health counselor. Academic advisors are even less prepared to treat depression. Although, studies have shown that when college students were assigned a faculty advisor to just go and talk to about their problems, those students made as much progress as similar students who were actually in therapy. Well, I hope you know what I meant to say. If you need clarification feel free to ask.

And you were doing a good thing trying to take your mother out to lunch. I'm sorry that she treated you badly over it. That is her problem, and not yours. I think that would be a good thing to talk to someone about, as I bet it wasn't the first time your mother has treated you that way. If you can learn that you are a good person, in spite of the negative messages that you have probably been force-fed for your whole life, that can go a long way toward helping you to feel good about yourself and make the most out of your life.