[htebsiL radnalaS]

something is going on inside that i can't pinpoint. any insight from you is welcome. anyone ever have this struggle?

i just want to cry i feel so stuck in this pit. and it's so familiar. which is what's messing with my head... it's familiar so i know i need to not give it power but i can't identify the thoughts behind the feelings... so the feelings persist. what i resist, persists... i don't want to resist this anymore.

my thoughts i think , haha, are messing with me but i am too close to them to see clearly... nothing has happened from last week when i felt good but now i feel so weighed down... i wish i felt motivated to go ride my bike or take a walk. i don't really have to go the market plus i don't really want to spend any money. the bike ride just feels kind of empty. the only place to really ride to is the park and it isn't interesting me this week... plus it did take a lot of energy both the rides and the walk to market with the load i carried back... it just feels so far away. they're each maybe only a couple of miles max one way. i wish i could just feel content and at peace with my bf. i wish i could just feel content and at peace with my self for longer than a week at a time... i wish i could stop feeling all this feelings that are so familiar. i feel trapped or stuck... i wish i could stop the thoughts that are so familiar. that i'm not safe that i need to worry and be anxious and not trust and not be happy. the problem is that i can barely hear the thoughts but they are there making me miserably familiar... i can't find them. i guess the positive in all this is that i'm looking for them...

i need to write without editing and then respond to myself. so i'll try here.

he's cheating: i have no proof. this is my fear. i am used to feeling miserable in a relationship. i am used to feeling not important. i am making this into something familiar.
i'm lonely: i'm working on that. i found a spiritual center to build some sense of community. it will take time.
i have no friends: my choice. and i do have friends. one who reached out to me recently who i haven't followed up with.
i'm worthless: not true. just simply not true
he's no good for me: or i need to check my thinking. has anyone ever been good enough for me??
he lies: i have no proof. i have no proof. this is my fear. i am used to feeling miserable in a relationship. i am used to feeling not important. i am making this into something familiar.
i have no energy: i did last week
i have no motivation: i did last week
i don't know how to get better: yes i do. meditate. start my day with meditation. breath. om. list things i'm happy about before falling asleep
riding my bike and walking with the cart to the store was hard: i will do it again.
i feel sad: maybe because i'm used to feeling sad. maybe because i felt so good last week and now it became uncomfortably unfamiliar. maybe this is just part of the process of the work i started a few weeks ago... the ebb and flow of it... still, it sux...

for the first time in any relationship i doubt the discomfort i feel with him because i'm convinced i am just reliving familiar thinking of not feeling safe and loved, etc. i just don't want to end another relationship over the same thing i always do... that i feel not important enough or loved enough... has anyone gone thru this?

[bharani1008]

When I had feelings that you describe I found out from my doc that it was paranoia associated with the depression. The antidepressants and anti anxiety meds took away those feelings. I'm not saying that what you are sensing isn't true because our instincts are often correct. If you can somehow recognize where the paranoia begins and ends maybe you will be able to accurately gauge what is going on. When the depression isn't controlled it makes our thinking cloudy and sluggish( at least for me).
Try to get help for your depression and then see more clearly how things are for you .
None of my business but maybe you should take some time off from relationships until you are more settled. How can you be in a relationship when you don't know yourself. Your expecting a lot from yourself since you have had such a bad childhood. Just my opinion.ou
I hope you feel better soon.

[optimize990h]

I understand a few of your thoughts you have in your post. I have paranoid driven light delusional story lines where the fears of loss, of unworthiness, of getting these mood swings disrupt the therapy I am trying to accomplish.

You have some plans that helps you cope with your situation. You are actually doing some of them. I am struggling to accomplish those types of tasks. So, the frustration of moving, progressing is understood.

You are not alone with similar struggles with doubts about ourselves, but know another is trying and doing is positive. So, I am glad you posted this, I feel support. Thank you.