why should i hold on, when I can't even advocate for myself?

why am i such an awful person?

Everything about me is just wrong.

This is my daily, chronic, never ending internal dialogue;

me1: i hate myself. I'm so fat. I'm so worthless.
me2: oh my god, shut up you whiny c***
me1: but its true, I am fat, i do hate myself, and i am worthless
me2: typical. all you do is whine, *****, and moan, but you never do anything to change because you're stupid and weak. You're just an attention *****, and on one likes attention *****s.
me1:......
me2: nothing to say for yourself? figures. only a coward would remain silent. you know all these problems are in your head right? and if you tell anyone, they're not going to believe you. Why would they? you have it all, looks, a husband, a job, a nice place to live, you have NO reason to complain. Remember, everyone talks **** about the girl with the problems. Do you want to be her? Do you want everyone laughing at you because; 'ooh boohoo my daddy is sick and my grandma died.' how grotesquely selfish can you be, that you turn their problems into something about you. ugh, you truly are disgusting and selfish. A good person wouldn't complain. A good person wouldn't fall apart at the slightest bit of stress.
me1: am I a good person? was I ever a good person?
me2: no. plus you are fat, and worthless.

**fin**

This is what I live with everyday, all day. Its like, the worst bully in the world lives inside my head. As the day progresses, the diatribe just gets worse and more vicious.
Its been particularly bad this morning. I'm trying so hard to not leave work and just....wander away. I'm scared that I'm actually going to do it.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I have some of the same thoughts but doesn't sound as bad as you have it. Hang on. You have to fight these thoughts. They are not realistic. Hope you are getting counseling to help you deal with these thoughts and ways to cope with them better. Best Wishes.
Gayle