[Lookupandsmile123]

Hi, I'm a 17 year old girl who has been battling everyday just to find the strength to make it through each day for the past 3/4 years. I've just left high school and I am now a college student, though I missed almost 2 years of school due to having no confidence and feeling low. I love my family more than anybody could ever know and they are the most important thing in the world to me. I'm not sure why I'm posting on here as I never accept help from anybody, I put on a happy face and concentrate on making others happy rather than myself.

Basically, when I was 7 my Aunt died, I was incredibly close to her and to lose someone you love at such a young age is devastating, I had to watch my mum and my nan fall apart in front of me, and even from such an early age, I felt a responsibility to take care of them. Due to this this cause my nan to have a breakdown, which was awful to watch... A few years later I then discovered my mum had anyrsms of the brain and had to have two major operations, one of them being so close to death. My mum means the world to me, and to come that close to losing her killed me and also gave me more of a sense of wanting to make sure everybody else was okay. All resulting in me growing up very quick, almost feeling as though I never really had chance to be a kid.

A couple of years later my mum and dad got divorced after my dad cheated on my mum, I hate him for hurting my mum so much however he had never really been much of a dad, I always felt he never loved me enough and like he knew I would always be there so he'd try harder to make effort with my brother and sister. After he left, he made no effort of contact until I did. He has seen me and my sister and brother only a few times in four years. Probably leaving some feelings of worthlessness and the feeling of being let down and walked all over.

Sometime after my dad left, my sister (also my best friend in the whole world) starting self harming, she closed herself off from everyone, this obviously effected the whole household as me and my sister were so close but she shut herself away. This left me feeling guilty as I didn't feel I did enough to help her... And I won't ever forgive myself for that.

During this time, I met a guy (now my ex), we started getting close but it was long distance relationship and due to the age difference I weren't supposed to date him. However I needed somebody at the time, so I did. I started self harming when I met him, I felt like I'd had enough and that nobody would love me unless I did that to myself (not in an attention seeking way). He made a pathetic, if any, attempt to stop me. Simply by just saying no. He let this go on for a year and a half, he never told anyone or offered me serious help even though he knew the severity of my self harming... I would burn myself, cut myself anything from 8-9 times a day to 60 times a day (meaning leaving about 60+ cuts on myself in the space of less than half an hour), I also would make myself throw up ect. The fact he didn't help made me feel worthless and like I weren't worth the effort. My mum found out about me and him and I really loved him no matter how cliche it was at the time he said he wouldn't leave, and as I had a lot of experience of people doing that, it meant a lot to me, so when she did find out I told her myself about my self harming to take the heat off him lying to my mum about dating me. However when I told her, he acted as if he basically knew nothing, didn't stand up for me, acted as if he didn't love me then left my house and barely spoke to me for three months. When he did speak to me he would say he never loved me and that he just needed somebody and that's why he dated me. He lied to me and my mum all the time and caused us to argue.

During this vulnerable time, I met another guy, I fell in love with him more than I ever had anybody, and even though he had a girlfriend, he showed interest in me and seemed like a hero, saying the things I wanted to hear. I told him about my self harming and how low I was feeling. However, after a short period of time, he stopped saying nice things and wanted sexual favours. After this, that was all he was bothered about he would pick me up, take me to his, I would give him what he wanted then he'd take me home. Leaving me again, feeling worthless and like an object, but I feel like I should feel like that for him as he was/is such a hero to me. He would sometimes even kiss my cuts, then not long after ask for sexual favors. Also, an incident happened between us, and my ex boyfriend (who I told at the time, did nothing about it then leaving more feelings of worthlessness) and current boyfriend know about it and tell me it's sexual assualt, but I don't believe it was as I view him as a hero to me. However my ex boyfriend recently made out to my current boyfriend as if I was lying about what went on, playing games with my head and also ruining trust and leaving me feeling let down. After a while, the guy lost interest and starting trying to get with my sister and she did so... Though we have resolved this now and I love her to pieces, I loved him and that hurt so bad.

I have also had a number of friends let me down, by leaving me for guys, blaming me for their doing of drugs and self harm because I didn't 'fancy' them, ect. However as per, I always accepted the blame and tried to make things right for them.

My current boyfriend, who I love loads, had an anger problem a year back, and this led to him scaring me a number of times, by grabbing me and also spitting in my face. Leaving more feelings of worthlessness as he knew already how I felt about myself ect and I didn't want him to hurt me and let me down like everybody else had. He has since been to anger management and keep his temper under control and I know he is incredibly sorry for what he did.

I also worry a lot, like non stop every single day, about little things and huge things. When I was 7 after my aunt died I started washing my hands til I bled as I was afraid of germs. Then when my mum was close to death I felt like I had to do everything a certain way or my mum would die. And I still do that with millions of different circumstances, I have to do something a certain way or something bad will happen, whether it be shutting a door a particular way or drinking a bottle of water a certain way. I feel as though I have to do it.

I have attempted suicide, a couple of times, but nothing too serious that I have ever had to have been hospitalised. When I met my current boyfriend I stopped self harming other than a few slip ups here and there, whereas before and I had been doing it for two years. I have recently started self harming again. I feel so old, I blame myself for everything and feel so worthless and I'm used to feeling like this, it's normal for me and I don't mind it. But my boyfriend wants me to get help. I feel like I deserve to feel like this and I'm cool with that.

Though I will go to the doctors soon... Has anybody got any advice/thoughts?

[manwithnofriends]

Your boyfriend... how is he doing right now? If he isn't about to blow up, you should probably tell him how you feel.

[Lookupandsmile123]

He's doing good now, he knows everything. He was the one who wanted me to post on here so I could get better, hopefully.

[manwithnofriends]

You've also described symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Maybe that's something the doctor can help you with.

[avlady]

Yes get a doc and T and please don't harm yourself anymore it's so sad that a person would do such a thing, you may one day really hurt yourself to no return, think of that the next time you attempt, and think of me and all the people here and your friends and acquantices, we all suffer with you.

[Lookupandsmile123]

Thank you, I did suspect OCD so I will definitely mention it to the doctor.

Avlady, thank you for your kind words. I am and will continue to try and fight not to self harm.

[gayleggg]

So glad you came to PC. I'm sorry you've had such a tough time. Sorry you couldn't get the support you needed when you were a child. When adults are grieving it's hard for them to notice the children are suffering to but don't know how to process it. I'm glad you are going to get professional help. I think you will be glad you did. I hope you and your mum have been able to reconnect. Family is important and I know how much you love her. Take care and try not to harm yourself anymore and see a doctor soon.
Gayle

[Lookupandsmile123]

Thank you Gayle, I will go see a doctor soon. Me and mum are fine now, we've always been really close. I will try to take care, you take care too and thank you again for your comment.