[exmoi]

Hi, this will be a long story, so people with tl;dr syndrome should escape now. It all started when I was born. My grandma was taking care of me, because my mother had to work, because my father was and is an alcoholic. My early childhood 0-11 was a happy time. Surely, there started some problems like disturbances between my mother and father, the obsesive-compulsive disease (the sight of eating parents made me feel pain, even physical like brain pain and many other compulsive things. But, I was happy. I was a social kid. There wasn't a plot around our house and I had many things to do. All the worst started after going to secondary school. Contacts with my friends were lost. I was very quiet then, and the kids had seen that. Then started the bullying. I remember the text: "Even dog doesn't like you" when I was going with them from school. It was a 7 hour nightmare per day. I changed the school. Shortly after, the depression started. I had psychedelic nightmares, like 1)a transvestite which is choking, because the liver was stuck out of his mouth, 2)making a fire by burning living people, 3)I enter bathroom and I see the faces of crying and smiling children on the walls, in the bad there is a dead baby, in the mirror I see a dark creature, which is similar to those I had painted (these scratches are below). 4) The man is recruiting to a sect and if you agree you become a zebra, if not he kills you by a chainsaw. And many, many more… The worst is, that even when I woke up, the world wasn't better, it was the same. The feelings of despair, hopelessness broke me. I had a school phobia too. It isn't fear like you see a spider it is like a terror. All day terror. I lived like that for 3 years. I don't have to say, that in school some people hated me, but this is a long story, let's go further. Now it is 2 years from the end of depression. However, the horror doesn't end. As I said before - my father is an alcoholic. We have 30 000 zl. debt- the minimal salary (monthly) is 1000 zl, the food costs 400 zl per month for one person, so you can imagine in what situation I am. Now, I'm sitting alone, because my mother flew to Germany to make money, and my father is sitting in the second room drinking beer and watching tv. I've some "normal" problems like heartbreaks too, but this post isn't about that. I hate that all, I've a hope - I want to emigrate to Holland and study forensic science, the hope for the future is the only thing that keeps me alive.
18-year-old man
Sorry, but I can't post the scretches.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Exmoi.

Those are truly frightening nightmares, and their accompanying the onset of depression may have its significance. Does the medical system where you live offer you the possibility of talking to a therapist about what you've written here?

In any case, please make yourself at home on these forums.

Also consider visiting:
Sleep Issues & Dream Interpretation
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Survivors of Abuse

[bharani1008]

Welcome Exmoi to PC. I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. It sounds to me that you need professional help. A school counselor may be able to give you some training as to how to deal with bullying. That is a terrible, terrible thing. There may be some forums on this site that can give you advice for that.
Most important is to hold tight to your dream. With your Mom in Germany she may be able to talk to someone who can guide you. Is it possible for you to work a little and earn some money for yourself?
I really feel for you. I so hope that you get the help you need. Post here and vent all you need to.We'll be interested in what happens for you.

[exmoi]

Sometimes, I think that the fate is against me. When I was rejected by a girl, few months later I was going to a place near the school thinking "Let there be no this girl or her new boyfriend". Yes, you are thinking right. When I came, there was she and his new boyfriend. What are the chances for that? What are the chances for OCD? What are the chances for an alcoholic parent, being bullied by people, financial problems, depression, heartbreaks, seeing horrible things etc. all in ONE person. Am I something like a experimental mouse (how much pain human can take).
PS I bet that I will end as a junkie.