[reddoor]

Throughout my 20 year life I've been a friendly, outgoing and happy person. Excelling academically, emotionally, socially and spiritually. A number of years ago I realised that I'm gay. At the time I decided I was gay because I was curious (sexually) about a friend of mine. Reflecting on my past I could find many occasions where my behaviour could be classified as homosexual such as always starring at guys in class and dismissing girls etc... A couple years after this realisation I decided that I'm not gay, that it was just a phase perhaps brought on by the fact that I tended to see girls as potential friends only. I never understood why, I just attributed it to a reluctance to partake in a relationship. I was never brought up with the mentality that you definitely have to have a girlfriend to be 'normal'.

Here's my dilemma, over the last few years I've been seeing much less of my friends and attending less and less family events. It's now reached the extent where the only contact I have with family and friends is via TXT or calls. It's not that I no longer get asked to spend time with family or friends, I'm just reluctant to see anyone I know well. I've changed countries and isolated myself further. I have no problem meeting new people but putting myself into a situation with people I know makes me somewhat anxious.

I'm confused as much as much you probably are now, generally you'd expect someone to be more comfortable with family and friends rather than strangers. Not in my case. Why?!

It's creating a great deal of distress for me, I find myself second guessing my decisions, reflecting on my day and pinpointing all my mistakes even if they were meaningless like giving someone an inaccurate time when asked "Excuse me, what time do you have?". Being a rational person I know this isn't normal behaviour, I can quite confidently assume that it's due to me feeling lonely from blocking people out of my life which at the same time makes me wonder why all of a sudden I'm so lonely, "maybe I need to do more to impress people".

To round up my issues, I'm feeling lonely, worthless and find myself getting angry or upset over little occurrences in my life. I'm doubting my sexuality, I find it hard to sleep, I don't go out as often as I used to, even for shopping so I find myself living off an unhealthy diet of just processed foods. To top it all off I've lost interest in my religion. I feel like I'm loosing everything good that I had going for me.

I know what I've described above suggests I suffer from depression, which I agree with however I do not understand what has all of a sudden caused me to act and feel this way. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I'd be described by others as the last possible person to develop depression, so why me?

Thank you for taking the time to read my story any help would be much appreciated.

I'm sorry I've presented many issues that can be broken down into separate questions such as religion & sexuality. I've just typed whatever has come to mind. Please don't focus on my sexuality when providing answers, I've seen from other questions that people automatically pinpoint orientation and acceptance as the core issue at hand. I do not believe it is in my case. I merely used it as an example so you can better judge my thought processes.

Don't worry about sexuality. It doesn't matter either way. Just go with what you feel.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Reddoor!

Originally Posted by reddoor

I've changed countries and isolated myself further. I have no problem meeting new people but putting myself into a situation with people I know makes me somewhat anxious.

Speculation: The stresses and transitions of the past several years have eroded your personal resiliency. Your 'autonomous' psychological reflexes are pulling you back to recover. For some reason the presence of people you know better is more stressful than that of strangers.

Have you considered talking to a doctor? A therapist? Here is a common screening test for depression (it's just a screening test; it's not diagnostic): PsychCentral Depression Quiz
Also, you can check out the Sanity Score Quiz

Make yourself at home, Reddoor.

[gayleggg]

Sometimes I don't think there is any answer to why depression strikes a certain person or when it does. I was in my thirties when it struck me. One day I was fine, happy and outgoing and the next day I couldn't quit crying, had a horrible headache and nausea. Went to the doctor because I thought I had the flu or something. When he told I was depressed I was shocked. I have battled depression every since. I wanted to withdraw from everyone, but could manage around strangers easier. They were easier to convince I was okay because they didn't know me a well.

I would suggest seeing a professional and see if they can help. I wish you luck. Check out PC. It's a great place for support and making friends.
Gayle

[spondiferous]

For some it's easier to be comfortable and 'themselves' than around people who know them. I have that issue. I struggle most with people I know. I always feel so much pressure to be a certain way - do well, be well, be doing really great constructive things with my life - and I feel so self conscious most of the time that it only makes me more anxious and depressed than I already am. Plus people in my life tend to be biased, want the best for me, have seen me at stronger moments in my life, and so just can't understand why it is that I can't just 'decide' to get better, or 'get better faster', or whatever. Some of them just plain forget that I have MI at all and act like I don't and I have to constantly remind them whenever things come up that trigger me.
Anyway. That's just me. It's easier to keep a safe distance from people close to me.

[Fuzzybear]

.......

[bharani1008]

People who know us have expectations. Strangers don't. Maybe that's why you're more comfortable with them.
I also experienced a sudden shift into depression but didn't recognize it until I finally broke down. I became afraid that I would let down my two grandkids. It was just a thought but i tumbled over the edge at that time. It was a long long time before I got back in control. That happened when My pdoc found the right medication cocktail for me. I couldn't have gotten well without it. Please see a professional and get some help. There's no reason that you can't get better. All your symptoms sound like depression to me. All the self criticism is one of the insidious symptoms that make us miserable. It's the disease. It's not the truth. Fight this thing. Get the help you need!
I hope you feel better soon.

[reddoor]

Thank you Gayle, I never thought about it that way.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Sometimes I don't think there is any answer to why depression strikes a certain person or when it does. I was in my thirties when it struck me. One day I was fine, happy and outgoing and the next day I couldn't quit crying, had a horrible headache and nausea. Went to the doctor because I thought I had the flu or something. When he told I was depressed I was shocked. I have battled depression every since. I wanted to withdraw from everyone, but could manage around strangers easier. They were easier to convince I was okay because they didn't know me a well.

I would suggest seeing a professional and see if they can help. I wish you luck. Check out PC. It's a great place for support and making friends.
Gayle

[reddoor]

Thank you for your insight. I'm not one to seek professional help usually however in this situation I may make an exception.

Originally Posted by bharani1008

People who know us have expectations. Strangers don't. Maybe that's why you're more comfortable with them.
I also experienced a sudden shift into depression but didn't recognize it until I finally broke down. I became afraid that I would let down my two grandkids. It was just a thought but i tumbled over the edge at that time. It was a long long time before I got back in control. That happened when My pdoc found the right medication cocktail for me. I couldn't have gotten well without it. Please see a professional and get some help. There's no reason that you can't get better. All your symptoms sound like depression to me. All the self criticism is one of the insidious symptoms that make us miserable. It's the disease. It's not the truth. Fight this thing. Get the help you need!
I hope you feel better soon.

[reddoor]

Thank you for your support

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

.......

[reddoor]

I can completely relate to that. Thank you so much for your response. Finally I feel as if I'm not the only one in this situation!

Originally Posted by spondiferous

For some it's easier to be comfortable and 'themselves' than around people who know them. I have that issue. I struggle most with people I know. I always feel so much pressure to be a certain way - do well, be well, be doing really great constructive things with my life - and I feel so self conscious most of the time that it only makes me more anxious and depressed than I already am. Plus people in my life tend to be biased, want the best for me, have seen me at stronger moments in my life, and so just can't understand why it is that I can't just 'decide' to get better, or 'get better faster', or whatever. Some of them just plain forget that I have MI at all and act like I don't and I have to constantly remind them whenever things come up that trigger me.
Anyway. That's just me. It's easier to keep a safe distance from people close to me.

[reddoor]

Honestly sometimes I feel absolutely no attraction either way which is why I'm so confused.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

Don't worry about sexuality. It doesn't matter either way. Just go with what you feel.

[reddoor]

Thank you for the warm welcome. You have summed up my situation brilliantly which helps me better understand myself.

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, Reddoor!

Speculation: The stresses and transitions of the past several years have eroded your personal resiliency. Your 'autonomous' psychological reflexes are pulling you back to recover. For some reason the presence of people you know better is more stressful than that of strangers.

Have you considered talking to a doctor? A therapist? Here is a common screening test for depression...

Make yourself at home, Reddoor.