[Deepandnebulous37]

I decided to write how I feel on the internet because I think its a place where maybe someone will understand how I feel...

I have a really hard time expressing myself honestly, but I think I have been depressed for a number of years, its hard to tell because I can act normal and happy, but I think inside I feel as if nothing is going on...

I try very hard to overcome depression and self-esteem issues but in a way I feel as if the more I do, the more I become enmeshed in being depressed, its almost as if, I am creating problems for myself. I dont know, I dont think there is anything wrong with me... But there are nights where I stay up late thinking that there is... Even then I know that its wrong to think that way... Maybe I'm not so bad after all, they say its two steps forward and one step back, recently in my life, I think it has been that way... But its so hard to know whether I'm even making progress or not...

I'm currently a college student commuting to community college. My dad convinced me to live at his house a few months ago, because he considered my mom to be manipulative, and he didn't want to see me start of my life in an environment like that... He told me that there was something wrong with my Mom and her household and told me a lot of stories about when they were dating in highschool how her mom was really terrible to her and how she was never able to escape her mom's dominion. To make a long story short, he kicked me out a few months later... I didnt do anything wrong other than try and say how I felt about a few things, my stepmom had gotten into a sketchbook/journal of mine and read some things I had said about her... They weren't particularly nice things, but I was just attempting to sort out my feelings not to make a statement about her... There was a reason why I put those things in a private place... So she confronted me about it, and was hurt and shocked, I guess I felt I had to be honest with her, and I tried to say what I felt... I should have said that I wasn't really sure of myself... I was going through a lot at the time emotionally, my dad and step-moms marriage wasn't doing so well because apparently my dad had slept with a prostitute...

So the night my dad asked me to leave I packed my car and tried to run away... But I couldn't... I drove halfway across the state and then turned around... I ended up at my grandmothers house, and then eventually back at my mom's.... At that point things weren't going well emotionally... I felt depressed... I cried a little bit about being kicked out (again, my dad did the same thing to me when i was in fourth grade...). I didn't want to leave my dads, because I honestly liked it there. I know I'm making it sound like a crap hole on here, but to be honest, it was a place where I felt like myself regardless of how messed up some things were there.

I cried but not enough, I feel like there are so many other things that I have bottled inside and I'm not letting out... Anyway, to continue... I was having a bad time at my mom's I tried smoking pot, because I was frustrated with where my life was at the moment. I had just been at a place where I finally felt like a part of who I was validated but then it was all turned around... I smoked and it was honestly one of the scariest moments of my life... I felt like I entered a huge black void, I felt like reality wasn't real anymore. I dont know if it was just the drug or if it was my mind... The next couple of weeks I had a few onsets of panic attacks... I remember driving to school, being scared I wouldn't make it there for fear of freaking out in the car. I guess I feel like after that experience, reality took on a new un-realness. I started to question everything, not in a good way, but in a "is this even real" sort of a way. I felt less and less human, and more a like a spectator of a species... I'm always thinking about human behavior, and how strange it seems to me... But at the same time I cant help but be anything but human, and it just feels like anything that happens in my life is not as important as it used to be... Because its just a pattern of behaviors we carry out in order to propagate and survive, rather then a life that is meaningful in any way.

Maybe this is a way of dissociating with some deep held pains that I have, maybe if I remove myself from humanity, then I remove myself from the hurt that comes with being rejected multiple times by your family/dad.

To continue, I was living with my mom for some time, and for whatever reason I think I wanted to leave, I was having depressing thoughts, everything like that... I was also isolating myself from the family, because I felt like they weren't my real family, I love my mom and my sister a lot... but I just cant stand being around my step-dad, I don't know why he has always seemed like a good guy to me, its just that my Mom doesn't seem very happy with him and I guess I resent that... Their marriage wasn't a happy one for many reasons. I remember them fighting the first few nights after they got married, as well as having particularly bad arguments the weeks leading up to it. I was feeling down on myself and I didn't know why, I think I wanted to find a reason... So I remembered an instance in my life, it was a very blurry memory, but I seemed to recall my mom sexually abusing me in some way... I honestly don't know if it even happened and I don't think it did... But I wanted to leave and just that blurry memory alone was enough to get me out. Now I'm at the only place I have left... My grandmothers... My Grandmom also happens to be a psychologist... which is good but can be difficult, because she wants to help me so bad. I don't feel like her grandson sometimes. I feel more like a project or a patient, but I cant complain about that... Its the least of my worries... It just sucks when my sister asks me why I moved out and I have no reason for her... I just feel alone now... I feel like I used to have some semblance of a family but now I've just estranged myself from everyone... In a way its what I wanted, but it leaves me with a feeling of having no identity, Just like an observer of someone else's life... Like a movie... because you don't know the character's past in a movie, just what they are doing right now... I feel like I have no past as much as I can talk about it... I just seem. strange to myself. My Mom and Sister come to visit me at work sometimes... And its just like I feel like they're memories of a past life coming to visit... I know they are real people don't worry no schizophrenia going on here... But thats just the way it feels. It doesn't feel good. My sister is going to move out to college in a year and I just feel like I'm losing everything... I dont know.

I have my whole life ahead of me, but with a lot of my past and the personal issues it has generated, its hard to move forward and to believe in myself even just a little bit... I will continue though, I will continue my courses and I hope to go to a four year art school down the line... But even then, I dont know... Because I dont know what I want, I dont know who I am at all... Maybe I associate with my past to much. I dont know... But I think what I need the most is just some validation, just another human being to be there with me, to let me cry in their presence or something... A lot of things happened in my life that I haven't mentioned, I had a baby brother die, divorce, ect... I'm not here to throw a pity party, but at the same time, maybe for once it would be okay to feel sorry for myself... I would feel more... Human... More happy... I cant tell if I'm making a big stink or if I really do have real things that are bottled up inside... I dont know why I would sabotage myself with negative emotions for no reason... I think its real... But I wish I could convince myself of that..

I have one good freind who is a girl, who I also happen to like... Our backgrounds are similar in some ways... I can talk to her about things that others havent really been able to understand. I think I love her, as a person... She has a boyfreind and weve tried going down the romantic road, but it just wasnt going to work for that reason... I'm just glad I have someone to love, even as just a freind... of course I wish we could be more intimate... but I think her open-ness to my consistent ranting (^case and point) has been a blessing... Of course no relationship with anyone is perfect and I get down on myself for like not being good enough for her to want to date me... But at least she listens... I wont get myself too involved in a romantic way, especially because I dont think it will work out that way... But maybe its alright to acknowledge when I have something good, without ruining by analyzing it so much from ever angle... Like I said nothing is perfect, and in some ways I have felt uncomfortable around her, I've felt like I'm doing something wrong... I just know that when she held me in her arms (just one time) it felt like a healing of sorts.

But thats enough, I hope I will be alright, I think the best thing I can do, is find relationships that mean something, even just a little... My life has had its downs, and I want to feel all of my feelings out! Its hard to, but I think I need to find the support of people I feel comfortable around to do that with. Theres nothing like the touch and eyes and ears of a truly supportive friend to help you through something... I have big big emotions to let out, and I know I cant rely on one person to help... But hopefully I can find a network of people... Its not that I cant feel good about myself on my own... But I just need a way to release, this tension, anger, hurt, whatever it is... Because I want to cry so bad but I cant bring myself to it sometimes... I want to love and be loved... Anyway...

Thats me... In a (really big) nutshell.

I dont expect anyone to read this all the way through which is fine... It was therapeutic just to write...

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Deepandnebulous37.

Originally Posted by Deepandnebulous37

...I've just estranged myself from everyone...

Sounds like your family have had a significant part in the estrangement, too.
I imagine living with your psychologist grandmother is both a blessing and a curse. My best wishes for more blessing than curse in that arrangement.

Please make yourself at home here.

[Sam2]

Its a sad thing that so many marriages end in divorce these days. Some are necessary, some not. Remember though, that no matter what either your mother or your father say about the other is only half the story. I'm sorry you were in the middle. That isn't fair.

You are going through an awful lot right now. Dealing with the divorce, (that can go on for years), figuring out your sexuality, your dad's infidelity. It really doesn't surprise me that you are feeling depressed. Have you thought of going into counselling? You are an adult, and anything you say in therapy should stay there, out of reach of your parents and step parents. That wasn't fair by the way. Going through your journal. I'm sure it was obviously a private journal. They do make journals with locks on them by the way. Writing is a good way of working out your thoughts, but its hard to be open on paper if you have to worry about it being read by someone else.

Does your community college have dorms? Some do, some don't. Even renting a cheap apartment with a roommate or two to get away from the turmoil in your parent's houses. Its hard to go to school and work, but with a couple of roommates, it might be doable.

One strange thing about depression is that sometimes when you feel like you are coming out of it, you put yourself back into it. Not entirely on purpose, but consciously. I've been depressed since I was in the fifth grade and that was a few decades ago, and that happened to me a couple of times in my twenties. I think it was because I was used to being depressed and invisible, and even though it was uncomfortable, I knew what it was. I didn't know how to be normal or what would happen if I was. That may be some of your confusion. Its not the same as munchhouseins or trying to get attention though I suppose some might see it as one or the other.

Really, see if there is a counselor at your college. It can't hurt, and it might help. When you are in the middle of as many messes as you are, it helps to have a fresh pair of eyes and mind to help you work through things. I hope your parents accept your sexuality if they know. Fortunately there aren't as many people who are upset by that anymore.

Sam2

[kaliope]

hi deepandnebulous
Welcome to Psych Central. You will find several forums that may be of interest to you, particularly the coping with emotions forum, where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. You will get a lot of support here. Again, welcome.

[gayleggg]

Welcome, deepandnebulous. Glad you found Psych Central.

[Deepandnebulous37]

Sam2

Thank you for reading and responding, I actually am seeing a psychologist right now, I'm paying to see him on my own, its good to feel like you own a part of your recovery. I probably could have help from family... and I may consider that option.

About my sexuality, I am actually a boy, so as far as liking this girl theres not much to figure out there (Kind of an understatement, I can still be awkward as hell around girls/people in general)... Sexuality has been an issue in the past for me though, and there are some things I am still working through. I have two Gay uncles who have been huge influences in my life and I love and appreciate them a lot. So I support those who are confused in that category of discovering themselves, myself possibly being one of them still.

Unfortunately, my college does not have dorms, but I think its for the best at the moment. My grandmothers house can be hot and cold for a number of reasons... But I get the earnest sense that she really does love and support me.

I consider myself lucky to have the amazing support I do at this point in my life, and I really appreciate that you took the time to read what I wrote and answer.

Thanks for the concern.