Self Shame?

I am 21 years old and have been suffering with anxiety/depression since I was 17. It first came on with depersonalization and it was soul crushing.
Ive been off meds for about 1 year now, and i am just lethargic all the time, panicky, and generally down. My mood flips to up to down, and i have suspected for a while i may have borderline personality disorder, as i match nearly every symptom and also have a really really unstable self image and have done since i can remember. I also have been having sexuality issues, gay/bi/straight but considering i dont get close to anyone when i go out (i have quite a good social life) i wont find out. But thats not important at the moment.

The last few days have been utterly crushing, and i have been thinking about suicide quite a lot. Its been EXCRUTIATING. And well the guilt/shame part i deserve that any man or any women would be ashamed if they have done what i have done, commited, an act. No one was hurt, no one was abused, and it wasnt anything illegal but it was shameful so so shameful. And i never thought about the acts until recently this low has hit me.
I keep telling myself 1. No one was hurt 2. it was screwed up thing to do but you regret it now move on 3. you are still a good person. But in all honesty i have felt like the worst person in the world these past week, and its too painful to deal with. This self hatred, lack of self worth, ive never had this before this guilt, this shame . I havent done it in almost a year now, and of course NEVER EVER will. I dont want to think about it. Its never hit me like this before, but its like a demon is following me around. This past week ive been sitting down at work not doing anything not getting anything done my performance has dropped and ive been sobbing throughout the day ( no one sees) i have no energy and all i do when i get home is watch tv and go to bed.

I dont know how to cope i feel evil, pathectic, I'm thinking of all the bad stuff ive done it sounds pathectic but even things like, looks, qualifications, its all getting me down. All the things i had in store to do, to acheive and im in a crap job, unmotivated to do anything. I dont know what to do. It feels like EVERY SECOND is hell. It feels like im in hell. It feels like someone has ripped out my flesh and im feeling the bitterness the painfulness go through my body.
Worst part is, i feel like i deserve it. I dont feel like people should treat me nice. People see me as such a sweet boy 'man' i guess i am now (hah thats debatable) it makes me sick when they treat me nicely. I feel like i can never ever accept what ive done in the past. Its horrible. Ive done this and now i pay.
If theres anyone with advice or who could relate please do!



What I did was sickening, and I still cant believe it, I'm 21 now not 14 (20 at the time) I am disgusted with myself. I hate myself so much. Im a pervert and a freak even to write this now hurts inside. If anyone and I mean anyone can relate in any way or give me some advice that's not suicide please do Im such a horrible monster.

I also think people think im a sweet boy (man) but I always get that thought in my head what if they know what I used to do? What if they know. I feel like such a mess its killing me inside.

People also think im such a sweet person. what if they knew what I used to get up to? Its ruining me absolutely ruining me. I wish I could erase it from myself. I'm so sorry I feel evil. I want to be a kind gentle person but obviously this proves im not.

Hello & Welcome, CoffeeAddict103!

You are in great pain and turmoil (I know; I'm stating the obvious). You are not in a good place to assess and judge the past. Have you considered seeing a doctor or therapist?

Are you familiar with relaxation techniques? You may be too upset to employ any of the techniques on your own. Is there anyone in your life who could help you simply relax?

Please keep posting.

I really am in great pain. It's coming in episodes I get relief and it feels like a big weight lifted off my shoulder and then it comes back again. I feel like such a less of a person for what I have done.

hi everyone

How long do the lows last? What are the intervals?

Just for reference, here are a couple PsychCentral articles:
Shame: The Quintessential Emotion by Holly Vanscoy, Ph.D.
Building Your Resilience to Shame by Marta Tartakovsky, M.S.