Trying doesn't mean I won't fall short the first time(s)

I am trying. I try to find a way to be better, but my past keeps being used against me. It's my fault, I brought it up, but distorted it again. What now? All of my dirty secrets have been dumped outside. They are scattered on the road for cars to drive on top of, on sidewalks for pedestrians to kick away at, canopied over trees for the wind to rattle at in its time of distress. I don't even get a chance to clean this up. I pick one of them up to find two more in its place.

My whole life, a lie. Nothing was real. Everything happened under pretense. An evil I invited into my life as soon as I was aware I could. An unimaginable age to fall so short.

I wasn't drunk, I wasn't high, I wasn't forced, I wasn't avenging anything. I was confused, scared, and alienated. I still am.

I didn't think anyone would care if I was honest, or love someone that thought and felt so differently. People say that helping someone become a better person is love, so I guess I was right. When you shine the light on me, there is nothing I am that would want to be valued in a way to improve me.

Perhaps that is my purpose to the world. To suffer because I serve as a substitute for her father beating her, or his brother humiliating him, or their son bankrupting them. No, displace your anger, fury, and hate on me. That's what I'm here for. To distract you from confronting your real demons.

So I guess I should see this for what it is making me. I'm your punching bag, your effigy, the personification of everything in your life that you are too scared or too confused to strike at. I do something once, and it accounts for it happening everywhere by everyone else. Why hold them accountable when you can distract yourself with me.

Instead of seeing someone that you can encourage to stray from deception, you reinforce it with your anger for someone else doing to you what I did to your friend, neighbor, online buddy; what good will it do to help someone you called your friend? Your nephew? Your loved one? If they failed you, they must have failed everyone. They'll always fail. Is that right? I can never make anyone happy? Doing something right can never make me happy?

I know why I've lied. There is no good reason to, but there are reasons. My lies do not cancel everyone else's out. I guess I have never been betrayed. That must be the case with wrongdoers, they never know what betrayal is. I guess if I was wronged in the past, and wronged others after, what happened to me is justified. So look for the most corrupt of the corrupt and make the lesser counterparts out to be saints. After all, they weren't as corrupt, so their misdeeds fall on me and they walk away scot tree.

What if everyone did this to their children? They steal once, cut off their hands, to ensure they never steal again. They hurt someone else once, hurt them over and over again, they'll never learn if they have already done it.

It's impossible. Our human feelings toward others makes us forget that they are human. Or does it? Perhaps repeatedly doing this to me is necessary to make them feel like I am not whenever they start feeling any sense of humanity in me. No, not me, right?

We focus on what we want to, but actually can and often do see everything, both the redeeming and condemning qualities in people. Making me face my dark side constantly cannot defeat the good I inherently am along with the former.

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad.

This makes me think of the whole "identified patient" dynamic: one person (usually in a family) is enrolled by the other family members as the "dysfunctional one"; in reality the whole family/group is dysfunctional with the identified patient merely reflecting most sharply the problems of the whole. Yes, the others use the identified patient to allow themselves to ignore their own problems.

My apologies to everyone who actually knows psychology.

Did you become or are you now an Identified Patient, Wonderingaboutme1?