[Miss_M]

I'm brand-new here, and was hoping to get some help dealing with my depression before it gets too bad to manage.
I had pretty severe depression in middle-school, and was suicidal for a time, but came back from the edge eventually and thought that I had gotten past my bad depression symptoms. I would get into sad, dark moods sometimes, but generally these were short-lived and I could pull myself out of them with a little time.

Fast-forward a decade or so, and I'm back in the thick of things. I'm a 27 college grad, working at a grocery store part-time (which only amplifies my depression, because I HATE my job and the hours are awful) and scraping a fairly bare living at the moment. I recently ended a 3+ year relationship with someone I was then living with, and had to quickly find a job (tough to do in this economy) and move out. This is part of why I work at the grocery store, because I took the first job that came along. I feel very much like I've failed romantically as well as personally because I've hit rock bottom since.
I was trying to deal with the emotional baggage of ending such a long relationship and get used to being single again (though it was a reasonably smooth and gentle breakup, so at least it wasn't a train-wreck or anything) as well as getting myself packed and moved, and working at my crappy job.
I was having a hard time, but I was busy and life was changing rapidly, so I felt optimistic about where I was going from here.
Unfortunately the answer appears to be "nowhere".
I currently live in a house with some friends, who while they are trying to be charitable and help me out by offering me very cheap housing, do not always help my situation. They talk about me when I'm not in the room at times, forgetting that sound carries easily in the house, and that same noise and road-noise from outside keeps me awake as much as my anxiety does. They are often very loud and sing, hum, and talk loudly not far from my bedroom, which drives me a bit crazy. I don't dare say anything though, because it IS their house and they are offering me very cheap rent.
I started seeing someone new very soon after my breakup, though I know common wisdom advises against it. He's very sweet and kind to me, and when I'm with him, I do feel better, but I see him only about once a week and it's time-consuming and expensive for us to visit each other over the distance we currently live at. This often means I just feel even worse when he goes home again.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm reaching a breaking point again. I've begun to feel drained, angry, hopeless, and lost. I just cannot deal with the world some days, though I can often force myself to put on a smile and pretend. I'm not suicidal at this point, but I'm beginning to feel those stirrings of 'what's the point?' and I worry that if I don't get out of my situation soon, things will only get worse.

I interviewed for a new job recently, and the hope that I will get the job and be able to finally stop worrying about money constantly is keeping me afloat, but I don't know what I will do if I am not hired. I'm also worried because my car is getting to the end of its lifespan and I can't afford a replacement. The new job would require a 30-60 minute commute, one-way, 5 days a week. If my car dies, I have no idea how I will get to work.

Every day I want to call my parents and ask them to let me move home. Let me curl up in a ball and not have to deal for a little while. Every day I talk myself out of it and remind myself that that won't help me in the long-run and I have to fight through it until I find a better way out. Every day that argument means less and less to me.

I have two brothers who are both successful programmers at large tech companies and seem to be doing great. Why can't I seem to get my life into gear?

Someone please help me get my life back under control and help me deal with the mess my life is becoming. While I have some tough things going on, I know rationally it shouldn't affect me this much and I can't seem to stop it from pushing me towards the edge on a regular basis. What do I do?

I'm also trying to get a handle on what's causing my depression. I haven't ever been able to afford medications or therapy, so I've largely been managing it by talking to friends and self-coaching myself through.
What has worked for other people having similar problems? What are other ways to manage symptoms?

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Miss_M.

Originally Posted by Miss_M

I'm beginning to feel like I'm reaching a breaking point again.

The situation you describe would tax anyone, but your history with depression probably requires you pay specially close attention to those feelings. Glad you joined here. I hope you can find something of use and comfort.

Originally Posted by Miss_M

What do I do?

What does your situation allow you to do without further complicating your life? Are there ways to minimize stressors (e.g. earplugs, noise cancelling headphones)?

[Miss_M]

Thank you Rohag
I think the community here will be of comfort and help to me, from what I've read so far.
I do use headphones some of the time, but I can't afford to replace the noise-blocking ones I had in college, as they now create a horrible whining noise instead of pleasant white-noise when I turn on the noise-blocker.
I recently bought a fleece headband with headphones in it for sleeping, but haven't had a chance to put good sleeping music onto my MP3 player yet.

My days off help a bit, but they are erratic and often busy. My schedule is all over the place at work.

I have been talking to my SO for a little while this evening and that has also helped me feel less frantic for the time being.