[deevo]

This is both an introduction and a call for help and venting resource. I am Alli, I am a 23 year old female, and my life is in shambles. Where to begin?

I have been lying for years, and having these secrets is so common place that I fear that I've started to believe them myself. I have dropped out or failed COMMUNITY COLLEGE since entering and reentering since I was 19. I should have graduated this past summer had I kept up and went on to university, etc. That doesn't seem like that bad of a problem, except everyone in my life is under the impression that I have not only been going and completing college semesters, but that I am also doing supremely. So, I've not only wasted 4 years of my life, and destroyed my academic career, but EVERYONE is under the impression that I'm doing well. Truth is I can not deal with college, in theory I would love to complete a degree, but a few weeks into a semester I'm ready to bolt. I am too depressed and too anxious.

I have lied about being in relationships to my friends and family. Truth is I have never had a serious relationship, and I am still technically a virgin. I lie to make myself not seem so pathetic, which just makes me all the more pathetic. I'm thoroughly embarrassed about being a virgin, both in sex and relationship wise. So that is another thing that people are under the impression I've experienced.

Those are two of the major lies I have told, and yes there are more and I am aware of how insane that makes me. I will never be able to tell my loved ones the truth, which hurts all the more, but if I lost them...which I would, I would lose it. They have no idea I am lying, that is how deep my lies are. I don't know why I do it, I'm physically ill thinking about it.

I am a physically attractive person(though, I put way too much merit on physical attractiveness of people, things, etc...so I'm shallow), despite being overweight which leads to a whole new realm of self esteem issues, but I am a good person. I believe in the moment I am the real me so my loved ones aren't seeing a totally unreal person, aside from those huge lies, as silly as that sounds. My life is just pathetic, I have an awful job part time job, I live with my parents, I am socially awkward. I am going nowhere and I just need help. I lie to psychiatrists, because I am too embarrassed to tell the truth--that I've been lying about these things. What is wrong with me? Can I ever find peace? I am so lost. These ramblings might sound like I'm absolutely off my rocker, and I apologize, It's just that I've been stricken by a huge bout of panic and grief over all of my dishonesty and the state of my life. In fact I'm having a serious panic attack right now, so I cannot relay my feelings too accurately. I have no drive, no plan, nothing. I am the literal definition of a loser, and there is no way out.

I have been "diagnosed" with depression, anxiety, and adhd. I don't know how accurate those diagnoses are considering my life is basically a lie, and at the psychiatrists it's no different.

[Sadley]

Hi Alli. I'm a 23 year old male in a similar situation. I too have tried to pretend that I am doing OK to my family, but really I was doing horrible. I eventually just came out and told them the truth, that I have severe depression and I'm working on it. I think what you're doing is trying to protect yourself. I don't think it is wrong, people do it all the time. But for me, I'd rather tell people the truth about me even though it isn't pleasant.

I'm also a virgin, I've never been in any sort of relationship. I am ashamed of it as there is this huge stigma of being a virgin past like age 20 or so. I think that if you want to avoid hurting yourself, you should just come out and tell people the truth. It really relieves a lot of the pressure.

I live with my parents also, have no goals or plans, socially awkward and not going anywhere. So I know what it feels like. I am glad that you have a positive view of yourself being a good person and being attractive, I don't even have that. You should keep that up.

When you say you lie to your psychiatrists I think that it is because you've been protecting yourself this way for so long that it is something that just happens even if you didn't want it to. It is a personal boundary issue I think.

I think I'm a loser all the time, but it won't help to think that way. You have to go back to your positive things, like you said you were attractive, that is a positive self-esteem right there. Do you have a therapist? If you don't I'd suggest getting one because they can help guide you on a journey to recovery. It takes time. I'm currently working on it and don't really see much hope but I figure since I'm going to be here for the long-haul I might as well try to help myself.