Depression – dreaming will do that

The only thing I ever wanted, from the age of 5, was an acting career. I got one started in 1978. On October 10, 1978 I stood on a soundstage for the first time in my life as a professional actress. I was 28 years old. That was 28 years ago – that means that half my life ago I realized my dream. I was so thrilled and proud to be there. I actually believed that I would always do that. “Actors never have to retire,” I used to say. Little did I know it would only last 14 years and be destroyed. Since then I’ve been a hollow shell of a person. No passion. No direction. No dream. Lost.

Tomorrow I will mourn.

It’s like my other (later) dream of living in the country. I’ve always envied people who lived in the country. (I grew up in a ghetto) Ten years ago (late July of 1996) I was able to pack up the car and leave California – I thought it was for good. I only lasted for 6 months in a cabin in the woods in upstate New York. Money ran out, there was no work. I had no family and nowhere to go. I got a call from someone here in L.A., asking me to come back and take a job he said he was going to have for me. I had to. I had nowhere else to go, only enough money to make one move, and my stuff was still in storage in L.A. VERY reluctantly, I drove back from New York, crying all the way. I HATED the idea of coming back here, but there weren’t a lot of other options, at the time. I spent every cent getting back here, got an apartment, called the guy who asked me to come back and was told that the job had fallen through. I spent the next 3 years destitute. There was no work here, either.

I should learn my lesson and forget about dreaming. I’ve had no dream, no passion for years now. I feel empty, lost and miserable. But at least I’m not realizing a dream only to have it shot out from under me.

Dreams suck. No wonder I haven’t found another one.

I think I’ll mourn longer than just tomorrow…

I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say except that I understand where you are coming from. I had dreams too, they were sustaininng me, they were all I had. Until it all fell flat on its face. So, I can relate to the hollow shell and that, yes, it hurts to try to hope, wish or trust again. Wish you well, try to hang in there... ((((Ohlostme))))

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time.
Not to sound hokey,and probably easy for me to say,cause I haven't hadn't had many dreams come true.
If possible try to realize the flips side,that you had at least experienced your dream, being in acting, think of those that never get that far, never knowing what their dream(s) would be like,constantly striving and never, ever getting the chance.
At least you have had the experience, maybe you can step off your dream for a temporary time and pick up some other type of work while keeping still keeping on call in the acting world.
Just a thought.
Lots of luck with this all.

i know its hard but at least you gave your dream a shot most people don't get that far how many people can say they were an actress for 14 yrs and how many can say they moved across country with no family........ so what it didn't work out....... i know its easy for me to say but think about people who haven't gotten as far as you have because they either failed or never had the courage to give it a go