[JanuaryGirl]

Hi everyone, I'm new to these forums.

I am a 29 year old single mother of one wild and crazy 6 year old boy.

I have suffered from depression since I was 12 years old, but over the last 9 months, my depression has taken control.

Just over a year ago I left my husband due to repeated infidelity. At first I thought I was recovering and moving on from that experience, but the first 2-3 months of feeling "ok", I began to have bad days. I think they must have started in January or February.

Around July I realized that I had been having more bad days and bad weeks (and bad months...) than good ones, and I began to understand that I was no longer in control of my depression. I began experiencing severe anxiety attacks over the summer, and have been off work since July because of this.

Recently I was hospitalized for 20 days for depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm back home now, and while I can admit that I feel a lot better than I felt 20+ days ago, I'm still struggling.

Tonight is hard. I don't know why, I haven't had any triggers. My anxiety feels like a crushing weight on my chest. I've taken my anti-anxiety meds, but they haven't done a lot to slow down the rushing, whirlwind thoughts in my head. It's midnight, and I don't imagine I'll be getting to sleep any time soon, even though I've been up since 7am.

Any other sleepless souls out there tonight?

I am feeling very frustrated that after more than a year, I have made no forward progress. I feel like I'm in the deepest pit I have ever been in, and despite all the support that I have, I don't feel like I can get out. No one has a ladder long enough to reach me.
I feel so isolated in a world full of people who care about me and are checking up on me almost daily. I can't even answer their texts, because what do you say? "I've actually fallen back down into the pit, but don't worry about me, I'm sure I'll make some headway by morning."

They just don't get it. How one moment I can be feeling fine, and like a totally functional adult, and the next moment I'm sinking into quicksand.

Today I do not want to exist.

Thanks for reading.

[roads]

Depression is a devouring monster, JanuaryGiirl, as you know. As a single mom with a six yr-old boy and an unfaithful (ex)husband, you'd be pretty thoroughly distressed even without a diagnosis of clinical depression from childhood.

I'm glad you found PsychCentral. Please investigate the forums and post wherever you feel a connection, or start a thread. I'm bipolar but mostly at the depressed pole and have spent over a year in "the pit" at a time. My psychiatrist works hard to find the best meds for me and the best strength--not settling for something "good enough" or about right.

I cope sometimes by doggie-paddling ... by which I mean working hard to stay in place. I focus on this place, this time--and pour all my effort into staying in the now, the present. This isn't possible for you, with that 6-yr old son--but try to find a close alternative. The goal is to keep your mind from looking back (where you aren't ever going to be again) and from looking ahead (which you can only speculate about, a meaningless exercise ... everything might be totally different bt the time tomorrow becomes today).

If that pit keeps pulling you, and that quicksand keeps grabbing, I think you need to re-evaluate your fundamental intervention ... is it therapy, meds, what? Talk with your doctor or therapist. Ask what their plan for you is, what the next step is, and make it clear that the way life is for you now isn't acceptable--you want to make changes.

Please post a lot, write to folks you connect with, especially who suffer from depression. There is a parenting forum too. There are many generous folks here who can help you with coping skills and a support network that may work alongside the one you have IRL. I have times nearly every day when I'd rather not deal with this life, but I doggie-paddle (or tie a knot, some people say) & hang on. I get through until it gets better--and it always gets better.
But I have a terrific psychiatrist who works hard to help me, and I always demand both his and my best work on my behalf. You can get better, JanuaryGirl, with the right help.
Keep coming back.
Roadie

[Little Lulu]

I read your post and heard someone who has been through a lot of suffering in the last year. We are here for you. Glad to have you ... keep coming back.

[HealingTimes]

Hi JG, welcome to PC

I am a single mum too and have also suffered with depression. Being a single mum can be very hard work in my experience!

[Fuzzybear]

[JanuaryGirl]

Thanks for all the kind, supportive comments.

I am seeing my therapist at the end of next week, and my psychiatrist at the end of this month.

Roadie, you're right when you say that I shouldn't accept feeling like this. Just because it's better than it was 4 weeks ago doesn't mean that I'm feeling the best I can.
I will be sure to discuss this with my psychiatrist, and possibly look at having my meds adjusted.

Thank you all for being so welcoming. It was actually my therapist who suggested that I look for an online forum for depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders, and it is looking like it is a great idea.