Making it up?

Do you ever feel like you're making up your depressive episodes? Currently I am in a place where I feel a constant exhaustion, but not necessarily depressed, yet I feel a sense of clarity I don't usually feel and it's making me think that I may have been making myself depressed. What do you guys think? Do you ever feel like this?

I've been told time and time again that I'm using depression as a crutch, that I'm just lazy and moody, and people around me seem happier when good things happen to me than I am for myself. I just finished another session earlier today in a clinical study on depression in which I receive a medication intravenously and I came away thinking, "What the hell is wrong with me?" in that I'm willing to have some experimental chemical cocktail pumped into my veins in order to make me feel that life is worth living or at the very least, somewhat tolerable. I have no doubt that there's something wrong with me and unfortunately, it took me years to finally admit it to myself. Many people (my family included) just don't get it. If you don't have an open, visible wound, then there's nothing wrong with you. Could you be over reacting to things in your environment that trigger your depression? I know I have my triggers, but the challenge lies in trying to avoid them or at least trying not to let yourself be overcome by them.

Sometimes I trigger myself but most of the time I just wake up depressed and hopeless for no particular reason, then I'll try to find a reason why, but it just is.

And I definitely understand people who just don't get it and say your lazy, lying, ********ting, making excuses, that's basically what I've been told my whole life.

I totally get this. Times like this when I actually feel good and content with life, am sleeping fairly well, and can see the world in color - I wonder if i'm not really depressed at all. I wonder if is all in my head and i'm just choosing to sulk.

I don't think this is uncommon and I don't think this means we're making it up. I think its actually a good thing that we can see inside ourselves enough to see that, for once, I don't feel completely bad/hopeless. I think it shows awareness and that the fact we can recognize up from down (even if it is minimal in difference) is proof that we aren't making it up at all.

I often wonder the same thing. The only two people that see the true me, are my two therapists. Otherwise, I hide behind my smile 24/7 when I'm around everyone else. I've done it for so many years, that it's whole other side of me. So if I'm able to do that (and somedays it is an incredible struggle to do so), then how can it not feel as if my depression is fake? But when I'm alone or late at night, my depression and hopelessness is at its worst. Pretending to be ok, is exhausting. I know I'm not making it up.

Yes, the ****ing nights. Just hopelessness and then you wake up exhausted regardless of how long you sleep.

I sometimes think that I have given it to myself, because I used to think about depression a lot [still do] and now I really do feel depressed. If that can happen or not though I don't know, maybe I already was depressed and just didn't fully realize. [If i am even depressed now]

being exhausted is a part of depression. People are beginning to try to understand it, de-stigmatize it. That is good, many folks have loved ones with this illness. hang in there