[frownupsidedown]

I have restarted work after years of moderate to severe depression that kept me going back to the hospital. I find every aspect of work stressful. On the outside I look calm and in control and do a good job, but on the inside my emotions are in an upheaval and I keep waiting for the depression bomb to drop and for me to have to stop working while I spend time in the hospital again. I feel like I'm living two lives--the external one that I show co-workers and family and the internal one that is a mental mess. I have been under a great deal of pressure at work which in a way is good because I ruminate less but I also find that I am just pushing aside all my emotions. I feel horrible that I live such different "lives". I think its inappropriate to share the internal side of me with my co-workers/boss, but sometimes I wish they knew the real me.

Anybody ever feel this way?

[Little Lulu]

I took time off work due to mental health issues and a psych hospitalization and going back was very difficult. I also didn't mention to others that while I appeared to be doing fine, inside I wasn't. I agree that it isn't appropriate to drag mental health issues to work but, like you, I felt like a fraud. I can recall feeling kind of lonely at work because of not sharing this major aspect with myself with co-workers. One help was that I have a good friend I called and talked for a few minutes (she knows about the mental health stuff and loves me anyway) when I felt like I was going to implode and I think that got me through the hardest times.

Work does take your mind off your 'self' and issues for spaces of time so that is the upside. I have been back to work for 13 years now and it got much easier for me but I had to push through a lot of the fear to get where I am now.

Been there. I know you are hurting. Hugs to you.

[frownupsidedown]

Originally Posted by Little Lulu

I took time off work due to mental health issues and a psych hospitalization and going back was very difficult. I also didn't mention to others that while I appeared to be doing fine, inside I wasn't. I agree that it isn't appropriate to drag mental health issues to work but, like you, I felt like a fraud. I can recall feeling kind of lonely at work because of not sharing this major aspect with myself with co-workers. One help was that I have a good friend I called and talked for a few minutes (she knows about the mental health stuff and loves me anyway) when I felt like I was going to implode and I think that got me through the hardest times.

Work does take your mind off your 'self' and issues for spaces of time so that is the upside. I have been back to work for 13 years now and it got much easier for me but I had to push through a lot of the fear to get where I am now.

Been there. I know you are hurting. Hugs to you.

Thanks so much for your responses--it helps to know that others have gone through this and have similar feelings.

[Tapering]

I had to hide my illness when I worked in Heath Care. I feel like a much more genuine person now that I can just be myself. I feel less stressed. Trying to appear normal was very hard. It only made me sicker and more stressed and depressed.

[caseygirl]

First of all, give yourself a huge pat on the back for being brave enough to tackle this...I say this because I was off for 9 years and went back to work. I, too was in/out of hospitals and felt at age 48 that I couldn't sit anymore. Depression was manageable, and thought I would at least try it.

I took a big gamble in hindsight, as the only job I could find in my city that was hiring people was in a call center; and in customer service. I had to re-learn all of the computer stuff, new things (passwords, cut and paste, switching screens etc), since I had left the work force. I was slow and confused in the training and also the oldest in my training group. But, I got through it.

Anyways, I lasted 6 years, but depression struck again, this time major depression and had to leave this job. I actually hated it anyways! The hardest part...I hid this illness from all of my co-workers, even the people I had lunch with and even the women I went out with sometimes after work. No one knew (as far as I knew). It was lonely, very lonely. I had days where I would cry in the bathroom wondering how I could make it through the day, and sometimes sit on the bus and felt like getting off and just catch the next one and go home.

Luckily, I have a hubby who is my rock and a few friends that I called for support.

You take care of yourself, but if you find yourself slipping don't think it as a failure. This is an illness not a character flaw or something you caused.

Take care.

[frownupsidedown]

Originally Posted by caseygirl

First of all, give yourself a huge pat on the back for being brave enough to tackle this...I say this because I was off for 9 years and went back to work. I, too was in/out of hospitals and felt at age 48 that I couldn't sit anymore. Depression was manageable, and thought I would at least try it.

I took a big gamble in hindsight, as the only job I could find in my city that was hiring people was in a call center; and in customer service. I had to re-learn all of the computer stuff, new things (passwords, cut and paste, switching screens etc), since I had left the work force. I was slow and confused in the training and also the oldest in my training group. But, I got through it.

Anyways, I lasted 6 years, but depression struck again, this time major depression and had to leave this job. I actually hated it anyways! The hardest part...I hid this illness from all of my co-workers, even the people I had lunch with and even the women I went out with sometimes after work. No one knew (as far as I knew). It was lonely, very lonely. I had days where I would cry in the bathroom wondering how I could make it through the day, and sometimes sit on the bus and felt like getting off and just catch the next one and go home.

Luckily, I have a hubby who is my rock and a few friends that I called for support.

You take care of yourself, but if you find yourself slipping don't think it as a failure. This is an illness not a character flaw or something you caused.

Take care.

Even though I've been told many times that my depression isn't my fault--it's so hard for me to believe that. I keep thinking if only I worked harder or changed my personality maybe I'd fit in to the normal group...but that does not happen and I continue to be deeply unhappy.

Thank you for your response--it helps.

[Idealsummerluvv]

Hi,

I take time off from work when the depression gets bad. No one @ work knows about it and I tend to feel guilty when I am absent from work.

Every day it is so hard for me to motivate myself to go to work.
And I do wish people knew, but am afraid due to the stigma.

One day at a time.

Originally Posted by frownupsidedown

Even though I've been told many times that my depression isn't my fault--it's so hard for me to believe that. I keep thinking if only I worked harder or changed my personality maybe I'd fit in to the normal group...but that does not happen and I continue to be deeply unhappy.

Thank you for your response--it helps.

Frownupsidedown, I feel EXACTLY the way you, that if I just tried harder or somehow thought differently, my depression would go away. The fact that it literally came on overnight tells me there's a chemical component (for me), and I have no control over that part of it.

Wishing you peace and happiness . . .