[Server]

My life is so hard. Every day I get out of bed hoping the day will be good and it never is. I'm seventeen, I'm so lonely and all I can do is wait. I can't even get my license because none of our cars are within driving standards. My only two friends are gone., my sister blows me off on everything, and my own stepfather is a jerk. My mom is the only thing in my life that keeps me from ending myself. Aspergers Syndrome, OCD, ADHD, and I'm about to be tested for personality disorders, why is so much wrong with me and why does everyone not like me? I live in hell. Or to be clearer, Alabama. There is nothing out here. My town has under seven thousand residents, nothing is in this town that I take interest in. Home schooled too. A girl tried to set me on fire and I was pulled out. My education means very little to me, even though I want to go to college. All I do is sit in front of my computer and stay in the internet, the only world I know that welcomes a loser like me. I just want to cry all day about it.

God has never thrown me a bone. I constantly pray to him. But no answer. To be honest, I've lost my faith in higher power many times over. My real father was a pastor and when he became gay that stretched my faith. Even now I have extreme doubt.

I just want to go to a better place. But I can't. I wouldn't care if I went to hell for suicide. I already know what hell is like. The thought of ending myself sounds freeing. My mom said if I killed myself, she would remember me as a coward. That just hurts. All I hear to help my depression and loneliness is "It will get better." I hate those words so much." I would burn them to pieces if I could.

My parents don't do anything to help me. I am so angry and all I can do is hide it. A years worth of therapy did nothing. Medication only did so much.

I had a great day on Saturday. Now I barely want to move.

Please. Someone give me a reason to stay alive. I don't have one.

[Clara22]

Hi Server,
I am not sure I can give you a response but please note something: you are not alone on this dark side. Many people are on. Maybe you have not noticed but many people are suffering from depression. Some of us have known of darker days and we eventually improved. We are still fighting. A reason to stay alive may be this is not going to last forever, I guarantee. Please, keep posting!

I think i understand some of what you are feeling. I really do. I obviously can't understand and share every single detail of your life that you feel adds to the negative feelings, but I understand the feelings of being trapped, being stuck.

I think when we become depressed we get into this mindset where it is so difficult to do things, for anyone else, for ourselves, for our pet goldfish even. We may also believe that nothing is going right, has gone right, will go right ever again.

The trap of this is that when we lose our motivation to help our selves and our will to KEEP pushing and keep exploring every avenue that might change our lives and move it in a direction we want, it will naturally be more likely that things will stay as they are, and things will occur in ways that make us unhappy.

We become victims of our environment and circumstance regularly because we feel we don't have the ability to change it, because it starts to appear that everything always hurts, is always difficult, is never rewarding and most of all, NEVER goes our way.

You are seventeen, and I am making the assumption that you still are at home since you haven't mentioned otherwise. Though this may be an incorrect one so please correct me if I am wrong.

That you may have to wait is likely correct.

That you "can't go to a better place". Certainly is not.
You express that you might not value your education, but that could be a ticket out of whatever situation you find dismal and oppressive.

If college is important to you, pursue that- but pursue it in a smart way.
Maybe even take a year to work and research and explore some of the free online courses, really find something that grabs your attention. If you go to college with something that sparks a fire in you, you will find a niche in others that share the same passion.

And the following is not what you want to hear:
Your parents may not understand, at least not now.
So they may not know exactly how to give you what you need, and therefore may not be able to. They are human, so provide what they THINK fulfills their obligations.

Personally, I can't make a call on what cuts it as far as parental obligations.
But... if your parents can't help you, you will have to take up the reigns and help yourself. This will feel unfair, at times it will make you feel completely screwed over, you may say more things along the lines of "what is wrong with me?" -Answer? not really anything... just need to learn tools to cope with life that you may not inherently possess. The advantage you will have if that you will likely have the opportunity to be taught SPECIFIC tools in a constructive manner to deal with life's crap. People who are considered "normal" often develop their own ways of coping that manage to just "get them by". They aren't the healthiest ways of dealing and may end up sabotaging their goals.

If you are "a bit off", you get specific instructions on how to deal with how life sucks.
Cause yeah, sometimes it does.

But once you get through the crap of being a teenager [and it is sometimes crap, it's just the biology of it, not to mention the social crap... so it's NOT just the labels you've been stuck with], and then settle into your twenties, if you start taking on your life as yours to control life can be pretty cool.

You are at a cross roads now. I have been there. Actually a couple times.
Where i've sat and said "I'm stuck, this sucks, everyone sucks, life sucks, I suck. I can't do anything about it" and then I realized.... what if I... [did this one small thing to change my routine every day].

Change is hard and you don't see the benefits every day. Also, when I was younger I had a REALLY hard time seeing past a couple years simple because in my own experience, my own timeline wasn't that long yet. And that makes sense, but I don't know if you've experienced that.

Please understand that I'm not getting down on you or saying you are doing anything wrong.

There's always a way to turn it around though. Sometimes it's really amazingly difficult, but there is always a way. That's not susie sunshine bull. That's "been there, done that, got the wrecked car, the er bill, the psych visits, etc"

Things can , and do, always change.
It can just be REALLY hard to see that sometimes.

Short answer....... No.

[Fuzzybear]

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