If I had wasted less time in high school. Was a better kid. Did more sports and activities. Was more productive. Would I still end up here? Being entirely miserable and feeling like there really is no good reason for me to be depressed? A dumb pity party I throwing for myself? If I avoided all the triggers and got a better work ethic would I not have to take pills and reduce my school load? Would I not have broke down in an unrecyclable heap oversleeping just to avoid the world? Would I actually enjoy life? Would depression eventually bit me in the butt or is it just circumstance that put me into this hole? Is it a chemical imbalance in me? Or is it my mental processes that need rewiring? Or is it my situation?

Sorry. Even people who are lucky have it rough :/ I'm super lucky but my soul is still empty and I have no idea how to fill it back up. I've been stuffing it with food and ducktaping it in but now I just feel rotten inside. I guess, like a lot of people on the forum, I'm just really upset over the fact that I'm heading towards a downward spiral and they're just soooo hard to stop.

Guess it's time to adjust the meds again. =sighhhhh=

[Curupira]

I did sports, was a goody two shoes, got staright A's and I am still depressed. In fact it was what allowed me to hide it for so long.

I don't think there is any real rhyme or reason. Genetic prediposition plus environmental trigger and hello mental illness.

[DarkFairy4]

I always think about what ifs, but there is nothing I can do about the past so I just have to deal with whatever I am now.

[SeekerOfLife]

I wasted no time in high school. I was a very good kid. I did not do sports or activities because my parents would not give me permission. I think a lot of my issues arose because I came from a dysfunctional family. I did not get to know and appreciate my self (including my inner self) until I started on therapy. When I first started, I thought i might be in it for six months. Well, it has been 2-3 years if you count the four therapists I have been with. Every time we discover something to work on we end up finding more things than expected that I have stuffed down on the inside of me. I am so glad that little by little we are digging the junk out and replacing it with good stuff.

[smmath]

I don't think that asking yourself the "what if?" questions will ever get any of us anywhere. They really don't help. But I do see where you are coming from.

I'm so sorry.
I agree that there are many factors that leave us with depression....I am not so sure that they key to fighting it lies in the cause...
I think that whatever the cause, it leaves us with, basically, a brain chemical imbalance.
Or it did me, at least.

I find, when my soul is empty, that helping someone less fortunate helps to fill it.

[Fuzzybear]

Yeaaah. Normally I don't spend too much time looking into my past but it was such a melancholy day yesterday that I started to regret a lot of things :/

And thanks. I try to volunteer and help others but it's just been an effort to get out of my apartment these days. I'll definitely look into new volunteer work though!

[megfedorczyk]

I was on the Honor Roll in high school. Now I'm lucky if I get a C. I rode my horse every day after school weather permitting. Now I find myself struggling to even get to the barn. I had a lot of friends in high school. Now I tend to wait for theatre shows to roll around for some social interaction.

I don't think looking back and trying to find the origin helps. When I do, I just end up crying myself to sleep every night. The fact of the matter is, we have a chemical imbalance in our brains that causes us to feel hopeless, tired, and downright crappy. So now I fill this emptiness with hopeful thoughts of the future, even if they're the extremely near future. Like right now, I can't wait for the snow to melt and spring to come so that I can take a trail ride with my horse.