[enobaria]

(I hope I'm putting this in the right subforum.)

So I'm 22, living with my mother, aimlessly going to community college because A. it keeps me busy and B. the tax break from my being in school is the only thing keeping us afloat every year. Every term seems to end in complete breakdown, and I've had to skip a few to recover, because I don't handle stress well.

I kind of don't handle anything very well. I grew up in a household with an abusive grandfather, and as a result, I'm pretty withdrawn and awkward. My anxieties have anxieties, and I seem to slip in and out of sort of a depression fog periodically. I have very little energy or motivation, and when I do it comes in bursts that end suddenly and painfully. I get a little worse every year. I'm scared. I don't know how much longer I can keep going before I break down. The best I can say is that I'm not suicidal yet, and I can't see myself going there, but I honestly don't know. It's frightening to be in this state and it's really not fair to my wonderful, patient, loving boyfriend to have to be my constant emotional support. I feel guilty just for existing most of the time.

I really want to seek out a therapist, which is a terrifying prospect in itself. But I have no income-- I haven't been able to get a job, because on the rare (once a year) occasion I get an interview, I reliably freeze up and fail it, or panic too violently to even go. I have health insurance, but it's under my mother, who has a VERY negative and outdated opinion of mental healthcare. Among her objections:

1. Being diagnosed/treated will somehow be a permanent brand of "crazy!" on my forehead, which will prevent future employment (as compared to all the employment I've ever had, which is none)

2. Medications are bad and evil and they don't fix anything and they only dull your emotions and mask the problem!

3. I am a perfectly capable smart young lady and her own personal tragedies were much worse than mine, so I just need to suck it up and stop whining.

4. Her sister saw a quack therapist once so all of them are bad, forever.

I think she's also just resistant to the idea that her daughter is not a functional person. Maybe it's scary for her to acknowledge that, or it makes her feel inadequate or guilty.

I need a job so I can get help. I need help so I have a chance of getting a job and getting out. And if I somehow scrounge the money to get help, she will know, and it is likely to cause even more tension and anxiety in my life if I am "betraying" her by getting mental help. I can tell my mother is tired of supporting me, and she's always doomsaying about how we are probably going to lose the house and have to move in with her boyfriend (a living situation that I would not be able to tolerate). So she's kind of asking the impossible of me.

I just don't know how to get out of this rut. I need ideas. Has anyone else ever been stuck on an intolerant parent's insurance? Is there a way out that I don't know about? Alternatively, can anyone lend me some wise words that might convince her?

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello enobaria-

You have a lot on your plate and I can see the dilemmas that you're faced with. I first want to say that I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered through because of your grandfather.

I think it would be an essential act of self-compassion to attempt to start the healing process for the abuse you experienced. Therapy is one way to do that. I wondered if the college you are attending has counselors that you might be able to meet with? Maybe they could help you to find some assistance with all that you are dealing with right now. I would start there, actually. Find out about the college counselor and set up a meeting with them. The second thing to know is that there are mental health clinics and services that are low cost or at times free of cost. It can be a bit of a challenge to find them-I would ask the counselor, if the college has one, but you can also look it up online. Look up your location and type in low-cost or cost-free mental health services to see what comes up. That would be the first two things I would do.

As far as your mother is concerned, it is true that there are bad therapists out there, as there are bad apples in every profession and aspect of life. But with therapists the results of bad therapist can be particularly damaging so it's something to have in the back of your mind as a possibility, as you would in general when you are in a situation where your well-being is concerned. I'm not trying to frighten you in any way-just to say that a bad therapist is a possibility. That said, it is not true of every therapist. Also, I will say that whatever happens in therapy is between you and the therapist-it is protected and private (unless you threaten to hurt yourself or others in which case the therapist is obligated to inform someone in an official capacity for your protection). That means that you won't have to tell anyone about anything unless you want to. Even your mother. I am sorry to hear that she seems to be minimizing and disregarding your legitimate pain and concerns and problems. Comparing her problems to yours is not helpful to you at all-it's actually hurtful. Medications are sometimes helpful in these situations, sometimes not. When you go to see a therapist I recommend that you fully discuss all of these things, including the possibility of adding a medication, so that you know all the possible benefits and risks. You do not have to be on medications. It might be advised by a doctor but you have the right to say no of you are not comfortable.

Finally, I would advise that you begin to research some of the things that you are struggling with. By that I mean that there are many wonderful books that you can look for online or at the library, about abuse and depression and any other symptom that you are struggling with. There are also books about the various medications that are commonly used. The research would be helpful for you-information is incredibly important-but also maybe for your mother. Maybe if she had more information about your struggles she would be less inclined to respond as she has. I don't know. You know your mother and you know if it's the lack of information that is causing her responses or if something else is going on. You sound very insightful and intelligent. I think that the most important thing you can do is to just think about yourself. It may sound selfish, in a negative way, but it's not. You deserve to be selfish and self-compassionate-to think about your life and your struggles. There are ways to get help without your mother's insurance. And, maybe when you do find a counselor or a therapy group or therapist you can also discuss the issues with your mother and can approach her about all of this from a place of support. It's wonderful that you have a supportive boyfriend. That is wonderful for you. If you can widen your support system that would be even better. You are NOT betraying anyone by getting help for yourself. You deserve to be helped and you deserve assistance with working through the abuse that was inflicted upon you. Hopefully at some point your mother will understand that treatment for depression and trauma/abuse recovery are just as legitimate as treating a broken bone or diabetes or any medical-related issue. We have come a long way in society, understanding these truths about mental health and mental and emotional issues but we clearly have a long way to go. I wish you all the best and you can always message me if you need to talk. Take care of you. It is the best thing you can do for you and everyone in your life.