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#1
Oct 26, 2006, 06:09 AM
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Why even bother? Honestly, the universe will never allow anything good to happen, so why try?
I don’t see much point right now… none at all in fact… got to go see my T tomorrow.. that will be fun as I’ve walked out of the last 2 sessions and he’ll only start asking why and then go on to exactly the same topic that I refused to speak about before AGAIN… Got a phonecall from the hospital today… someone has to go and get my mother to sign a load of papers, so that will be either my brother or myself… and knowing him he’ll make me go, I don’t want to see her… especially not like that  not there . not sure I’d want to see her anyway… but when most of the time she isn’t really “here” and doesn’t even recognise me all of the time when she is it’s just awful… I think I’d actually prefer her to be insulting me like she used to do…My father’s appearing in hallucinations… how lucky am I? not only has he invaded my dreams and waking life through flashbacks, but not he’s there in an almost physical form too… Why can’t I just have a normal life? Without voices, halusinations, self-harm, anorexia and all the other %#@&#!? Normal people don’t see/hear/feel things which aren’t there… normal people don’t fear their father and a brother who they haven’t seen for 5 years… normal people don’t put themselves into a 3 day coma just because their father rings them… normal people aren’t covered in scars which are of their own doing… Does normal even exist? I’m not sure anymore… not sure of anything, thinking won’ work properly at the moment. Far too tired for that, insomnia sucks… it’s like there is a dampener field around me at the moment, external influances don’t get through… and even when they do it’s as if they have been weakened, yet past influances and feelings are still there… so it’s not as if unable to feel, just unable to feel (or even fully comprehend) the present… Gah! Pointless rant! Sorry.. taking up space with pointless stupidity… Just want to sleep right now… real sleep, not go to sleep and then get attacked by memories that I don’t remember… not sleep and then have nightmares or flashbacks or whatever the hell they are… not sleep only to wake in an hour… Almost miss the first week in hospital the other month… granted I don’t remember much of it, but the confusion and lack of understanding was almost a break… a different type of confusion, was almost good… that sounds stupid… in fact that is stupid… kind of proves how useless I am too, so useless that I can’t even die properly. Life is blatantly over-rated. Sorry, space wasting again/still… I’ll stop now |
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#2
Oct 26, 2006, 06:47 AM
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I just realised the date too
tomorrow will be eaxtly 10 years since my younger brother died why the heck does that bother me? It's 10 years ago and I berely remember him as most of his life was in the void in my memory...but still... |
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#3
Oct 26, 2006, 08:55 AM
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I have no answers for you but can only offer you the comfort that you have been heard and are not alone.
Hope you feel better soon. I know that sounds lame but at times a calm embrace does a lot of good.
__________________
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#4
Oct 26, 2006, 09:28 AM
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Bah all the normal people can kiss my @ss... lol
I hope things work out for you, and it sounds like you need a new doctor. Mark |
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#5
Oct 26, 2006, 10:05 AM
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I’m just moaning again… really shouldn’t, I'm sorry, got no excuse to really. Everything that’s happened is my own fault, so I have no right to complain
thankyou for reading/replying all the same |
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#6
Oct 26, 2006, 06:36 PM
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In 4 hours it will be exactly 10 years since his death...
it's dark now too... why is night always the worst? I'm actually scared, but no idea what of 
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#7
Oct 26, 2006, 07:34 PM
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Upon reading threads like this,i wish i was some entity that could just hold someone tight and drain all the hurt and pain away.It makes my pain and suffering feel less significant even though fairly terrible things have happened in my life,i wish i could take everyones pain like some kind of matyr and it would make me feel ive finally done some good in the world.and i would die a happy being
__________________
"These cuts i have.They need love,to help them heal" |
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#8
Oct 26, 2006, 07:52 PM
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i'm sorry... I really should stop moaning about nothing...
I understand what you mean though... reading other peopls posts... can defantly understand, start feeling useless as can never work out what to say and know that you can't help... and yet I still deside to post this and inflict that upon you all  sorry 
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#9
Oct 26, 2006, 07:54 PM
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oh... that post wasn't meant to make you feel bad or anything... or whatever... not sure it wuld... erm.. ok, not sure where i'm going with this...
I apretiate your reply... just my response was a little rubbish |
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#10
Oct 26, 2006, 07:58 PM
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you are not inflicting anything upon us all.we are here b/c we want to be and we read b/c we want to read and maybe just maybe if any of our words help others,then it will also help ourseves too.I feel for you orion i really do and i hope you get through thi period.
Take this hug i give as you read and take comfort in it,as ive been told im one of the best huggers anywhere..
__________________
"These cuts i have.They need love,to help them heal" |
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#11
Oct 27, 2006, 12:31 PM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
you are not inflicting anything upon us all </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I am... and I really shouldn't... I have no right to moan, and no right to impose it upon everyone here, espessially as I can never think of anything to say to help others... and so have no right to ask myself |
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#12
Oct 27, 2006, 12:59 PM
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Orion, it takes a lot of guts to ask for help or just vent about something.
Yes, we all have our own cross to bear but, imo, if comfort can be given/received it sure helps.... So please don't feel you are imposing. |
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#13
Oct 27, 2006, 06:35 PM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Orion said: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font> you are not inflicting anything upon us all </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I am... and I really shouldn't... I have no right to moan, and no right to impose it upon everyone here, espessially as I can never think of anything to say to help others... and so have no right to ask myself </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Orion - I hate saying this but you're WRONG. It is cognitive distortions or people before in your life that made you feel like you were being a pest or an annoyance and internalizing that false message - makes you say things that aren't true. (Or that is at least how I see it, which is my truth and my reality because I feel the same way). You can't possibly inflict yourself on any one of us because this is a community website. As a community, we LIKE and WANT to help people. And you do actually seem like a very nice person. Everyone has a right to moan and groan and complain and feel hurt. I was told that today by my therapist because I do feel the same way that you do. So me actually telling you this is like me not taking my own advice but maybe if I try to help someone else (you) then that will help me. So you are helping me in a way - even if it isn't very direct. As for helping anyone other than yourself, helping yourself first helps all of us. We can learn from you about yourself and while you try to get better and change for the better - we learn from your experiences. Sorry I tend to ramble on occassion. I hope I didn't overstep any boundaries, and if I did I do apologize but everything I said is what I truly believe. (((((((((Orion))))))))) Take care of yourself and PM me anytime if you want to chat.
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#14
Oct 28, 2006, 09:56 AM
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Orion, you're not a waste of space. I for one am listening to you and happy to keep doing so
 (((Orion))) - if ok. |
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#15
Oct 28, 2006, 10:13 AM
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sorry. I've been told I say sorry way too much... but still...
today hasn't beeen quite as bad (so far). thankyou all for replying and alll you've said, wish I could beleive it all, but thanks all the same. |
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#16
Oct 28, 2006, 01:31 PM
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Orion...believe....we care about you!!! I have the opposite problem...I can give a little support to people but can't bring myself to post...so between the two of us...we are okay...lol
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#17
Oct 28, 2006, 04:57 PM
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I try to... but I always just come to teh conclusion that you're all just saying it because you'd feel guilty if you didn't and then I went off and did something rather than anything else...
I guess I may be being stupid though... I just don't know anymore |
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#18
Oct 28, 2006, 05:16 PM
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well I guess it takes time to trust people...hope you will find that PC is a good place for support...I truly believe the people on here that give me support when I need it and I know I do the same because I care...It truly helps!!
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#19
Oct 28, 2006, 08:45 PM
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orion.....people here care....
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#20
Nov 05, 2006, 01:30 PM
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 ((((((( hugs )))))))
__________________
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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