Please help... :(

Hello all my name is Charlie, My story starts at the young age of 6. My middle brother died in a house fire while staying the night at a friends house. the mother of the friend left the house while the kids were sleeping, and left the stove on, killing my brother and 4 other kids. I remember everything very well, as I am 27 now. This was hard, not only did I lose a sibling but our lives changed as well. We used to go to church, that stopped. We did more as a family, that stopped. it was as if our lives stopped. Along the lines I lost other close relatives. My grand father, my aunt, and my other grand mother. Loses that did not bother me as much as a sibling. however, still upsetting. I went into the military at the age of 17 and remained there for 2 years until leaving with medical discharge for asthma. When I was 23 I found my father dead, I helped my mother provide cpr until paramedics arrived. to no avail I lost my father that night to a massive heart attack. I lost the man of my life, my rock and my strength. my father and I seriously bonded as I became older, both him and my older brother became very close. This death has hurt me and still continues to this day. At the age of 25 I lost my brother to a OD. My brother was 32 and had 6 kids. This death hit me especially hard as I discovered his body as well. He was a great man going through hard times and took something he shouldn't have. By no means am I advocating the use of drugs. I know in my heart he would have never done this on purpose. Now we fast forward to my life. I am married, 27, have 2 daughters. I have a great family. The problem is, I have lost all enjoyment in everything. Each day I am around I wish I was not. I know we are not to talk about sucide and I respect that, so I will not. I find no enjoyment in the things I used to love, every day I have many panic attacks about finding my family members now dead, or that one day I am going to lose everyone. these thoughts consume my every move, this has been going on for years and I can not surpress them or keep them in anymore. It is destroying me on the inside. recently I lost a great job while I was in the hospital trying to correct some issues with me. my job then lost business and released me from working at a 1099 sub contractor. I am currently suffering to find a job. I have found a couple, and while working them as many hours as I can get. I find it really hard to be able to go through a whole shift. Consistently worrying about another death or my death, or something else happening. I make myself sick every day worrying and being so down on myself. I feel like such a loser and cant seem to find any motivation. I have never been without a job, and I am the man of the house and should be providing for family. however my body and mind will not let me. I have been hospitalized many times including a 45 day stint in a hospital while in the military. I have tried conslers, CBT, medication, therapist who just throw medicine at me. I lost my insurance, no job, another baby on the way and I cannot find the motivation to help with anything. I try and try and try to help. Sometimes I can, and I work around the house for 12+ hours. other times I cannot get out of bed. Nothing but memories and bad visions come to my head at all hours of the night. I am currently not on any medicines other than Prozac 40mg a day. I will occasionally will smoke cannabis, and it helps with the excessive worrying. However my doctor recently took me off the meds because I admitted to still smoking after explaining to my dr that I do not want to be on any meds that are going to make me lethargic or zombie like. Long story short and I apologize for the long post. I cannot seem to break this rut, I have been experiencing this feelings for many years. I have tried many forms of help and nothing seems to work. I cant help but feel like I am to far gone. I do not want to go to hospital and be on a 3 day hold and be in there with meth heads, and people looking for fixes. Because our town truly judges people (small town). I want to find someone or some program to help me find a answer and help me get back on track. I do not want anything bad to happen, and I do not want to feel this way for the rest of my life. Please tell me there is a light somewhere at the end of this dark dark tunnel. Thank you in advanced, and please to do not bring religion into this, I understand a lot of people have found help through there gods, and deities, and that is great. However it is not for me.

thank you,

Charlie

not sure if cannabis is illegal in your country. In mine it is. I'm sure you won't be judged if you work on overcoming a drug addiction first.

Please see a doctor Charlie soon, so they can help you overcome the distresses in your life. They can refer you to a specialist that can beging you on CBT and medications for depression. I'm sure you are suffering from depression, the silent killer. A small dose of an anti-depressant in combination of CBT can help you overcome all these problems. Also, do you have your VA benefits? If in the US, you should be able to get at least some VA percentage for doctors visitations.